Pink, Sotto and peacetoday thank you so much for all of your words. It really does mean so much to me that you all are here to support me and to help me during all of this.
Pink.....I have to say after reading what you said to me I could feel that you understand my pain, and what I am feeling right now.
I so want to detach from the old marriage and my H and what used to be, and re-attach to something new in my life. But honestly there is a huge amount of fear that if I do that it means I have given up. I am not a person who gives up. In my mind my H gave up and walked away and I just cant do that.
When I kicked him out of the house after the BD, I did that so I could have some time to think about what I/we were going to do next. Never did I think he would take that as an opportunity to never come back.
I am leaving my H alone and have gone NC. I have not reached out to him in a while. I don't send him texts or emails or call him. We do not have children so there really is no need for us to communicate frequently. There are things that need to be discussed but he has shown me in the past that he doesn't know how to deal with all of this, so he just doesn't answer me if I do try to communicate with him. My hope is that he is taking this time to work on himself, but I know this man and he is very good at not dealing with things. He doesn't want to have to look in the mirror because he will not like what he sees.
I have started to do things for myself. I lost close to 30 lbs as a result of dealing with all of this. I have started to work out and I really am trying to take better care of myself. Eating is my hardest thing. I have no appetite.
I stopped seeing my IC because he had a different thought process about what he thinks I should do. He has never come out and told me that I should file for D, but he has told me that I am going to be waiting around a long time if I think H is going to come around.
I am taking antidepressants. I previously was taking them but weaned myself off, but have recently started taking them again because I could feel the depression worsening.
I try not to replay all of the terrible things he said to me. How he "didn't love me the last 3 years of our marriage" and how it was my fault he cheated because I "didn't love or need him enough" or that I was "too controlling." I do agree that I am a controlling person. I guess that is why all of this is so hard. I am learning to let go of that and am finding out that it is freeing.
Sotto.....my goal is going to be to try and put my H and what used to be aside, and start to make decisions based on me instead.
peacetoday.....I hope you are right when you say "this process of DB will get us there and to a place of no regrets"
I really want to get to that place. I am tired of crying and being sad. I really want to learn to not be so hard on myself too. People around me tell me that I am stronger then I think.
Whenever I am speaking to one of my patients in the hospital I say to them "slow and steady wins the race, and this is not a sprint, it's a marathon." I guess I need to start reminding myself of that too.
