Sotto you are right. I think I am the one enabling my XH behavior. It's kind of complicating when I decide to see it from what I use to know who he was.
I feel that he loves me, he does things to show that to me and yet he keeps himself on the "friendship zone". And now I understand that if I play along these sidelines, I will always get hurt.
I don't know what is happening to me right now, but I feel more strength to cut off his BS for now. Somehow that whole Valentines declarations with innocent words, intentions that were not so innocent, double message with gifts that he knew I would love, and yet a distance on the friendship message, it all made me upset. Not mad, but hurt and upset what for me is not the same. When I am mad, it goes away very fast. But when I am hurt and upset it tend to stick to me.
This is a man that knows I love him and would like to work in a R that is different then before. But he keeps doing this games again and again.
Well, as for DB rules, we can control ourselves and we can't control what they do or say. So I think I need to guard my heart for all those occasions when he comes like an angel and do things that shows his love to me but have a bit of a second choice of being good friends.
Right now, I need to look into my own life and project where I want to be in a year, two, five and ten years from now. I am not young and there are some things I need to think about for myself, really independent if I am with him, alone or with anybody else.
It's not easy. I need to count till ten many times,bit my tongue and don't say what I am thinking. I need to be a friend, what is really challenging for me since itfeels awkward. But that is what I need to do and it is not only to bring him back but do have a decent life myself.
I hope I don't fall for his provocations anymore. I really do. This man knows me well and he knows how to trigger my behaviors, but I have been changing too and maybe I can be a little better next time.
One thing that is sinking in these last few months is that I am single, that he isn't my husband anymore. It's weird to say, but only lately that I am feeling like this.
I just wrote to skm other day and I too felt much the same way. That many things were unfair. And as a matter of fact, they are for many of us that are in here. We sure did lots of wrongs, but we were there to endure the difficult time and stick to our commitment. So, it is unfair.
The point is that if I stay sitting on one place feeling sorry for myself because it was unfair, I won't live my time today e tomorrow. Life is not only a R, it has a lot more to it and personally I need to use this time to focus on me as many other Pinks then just a wife, a partner.
If your read my words now, it seems that I got it now. Well, it is still painful to look at the situation as a whole. I still cry because the "what if" happen often. I have frequent contact with my XH and he is nicer then ever to me. These "what ifs" are very constant.
But I am in this journey since jul/14 and some feelings start being just feelings, not a way of life. I am not sure what direction my heart will take from here. I still love him, but I am not sure what feelings I have for him. For example, I use to want to be physically attached to him, and now I do not have that drive as much.
I used to look at other man and really feel disgusted just thinking to be close to him, now I look at other man and I see some qualities, pay attention in what they are saying, and thinking that there are good people out there (I am very aware there are bad people too).
The whole thing is that I started seeing people when before I was blind, I started seeing myself when before I was annoyed and scared, feeling guilty.
I still keep in mind many things I learned about MLC. XH has a lot of those characteristics and I do believe that he is still dealing with that. What in some ways shows through his coming forward, getting away stuff.
Well, I will try my best to be just his friend, and I want to avoid him a little more then I did before. Anyway, when he is close I get hurt, and I am tired of being hurt. So, far seems a little better for now. If he wants, he knows where to find me.
Kyh - I think he really wants to develop a good friendship. He loves me yet, but he is afraid of me and my reactions. I am a straight forward person, I question things and I want resolutions. It is something he can't give me now. I tried to understand better where he is coming from with all the latest stuff between us and I think he don't want to let me go just yet, but he is not sure if I am his best choice since we failed once already.
Fear keeps me from being his friend and fear keeps him from getting closer to me. He doesn't want to hurt me anymore and he is not sure if he wants to be with me or not.
Part is what I do against my cause. My bad reactions to anything he does, is a prove that we would be miserable together. I understand now, that is painful it can be I need to detach, let go and just see him as a guy I have some feelings, but I am walking slow to see how it unfolds.
Again, we go back to the principles of DB. Detach, make a life for yourself, be independent, happy, attractive, let go on the old R, marriage as it was is dead, treat him lovingly and with respect, but keep your arms distance as a good neighbor.
It is all there for us. But it takes a long time for us to see all that in our own lives. Some people get this earlier, some R are different and the scenarios vary accordingly, but the essence is there and we are just too emotional to see it.
I hope we can have our family together again, it would be a bonus because it was not so bad and we have three kids. But if doesn't work this way, then we will try to be happy with whatever comes next.
Let's see what happen, Love from me to all of you,
