Happy belated birthday! I'm glad you spent it w/people who love and care about you. Sorry to hear that one of your children was sick, but hopefully better now.
Even though your h has agreed to do things around the hope, I would still have Plan B in place if he doesn't show after an hour. You can't rely on them to keep their promises as they are not the people we once knew pre-crisis. That person is now gone and a teenager has replaced him. To avoid this frustration again, keep the guy's number handy and have him come out and plow you out. Expectations w/an MLCer will always be a disappointment and keep you frustrated and angry. Drop them down to zero.
I hope today is a good day for you. Happy Valentine's Day! Do something special for yourself...you've earned it.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
So both of you want S and not D? Is H now with OW?
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
I don't know what he wants. Or maybe I do and I don't want to admit it. He's never used the word divorce, but I think he avoids saying unpleasant things because he is such a champion at conflict avoidance and he doesn't want to be seen as the bad guy. That's not working out well at the moment, but I doubt he can see that.
He's said we drifted apart a long time ago, he's said he doesn't want to work on it (based on what his subconscious told him in hypnosis), says he wants to be happy and find someone who inspires him to be a better husband.
I don't know if he's rewriting history or if I'm just telling myself that to make it easier on myself. I don't see how we could have been so happy for years if he had these regrets all along. How do you fake it for 20 years without letting it show?
I don't want S or D. But I filed for S because I want something legal in place so our daughters and I are protected financially. I just don't know where his head is and I want to be prepared. Our mortgage is hefty and he makes twice as much as I do. So it was really just a protective move. He had been asking me weekly when it will be done. I feel like he wants to have it legal so he can be public about OW even though he continues to deny the relationship. I guess that would help him justify his behavior. The weird thing is - my lawyer sent him the final copy on 2/6 and I have not heard a word about it. Not from him, his lawyer, nothing. I don't get it.
I haven't updated simply because nothing has happened. After the blowup about OW on 2/4, I have been as NC as I can possibly be.
Funny story - the lawyer he hired had a contest for Valentine's Day where he was raffling off a free divorce. There were commercials all over TV. Classy guy.
D12 has asked to start seeing a counselor - this is actually regarding some difficulties she was having prior to H telling them he was leaving. I think she has some depression. He and I have the first appt with the counselor alone tomorrow so she can get a history on D12 and some background before they start meeting. I'm a little nervous to sit there and discuss the sitch with her since he and I have had so little contact lately. I want to just keep the focus on D12 and what she needs and keep it off of the two of us. But stuffing my emotions is extremely difficult for me. Kind of dreading it.
Me : 42 Him : 43 M : 18, T : 19 D13, D11 4/16 1st BD (ILYB) 11/16 H wants s, moves out of br 1/17 H rents house & moves out 2/17 OW (he denies PA but EA last winter) 5/17 I filed for D 7/17 D Final
I don't know if he's rewriting history or if I'm just telling myself that to make it easier on myself. I don't see how we could have been so happy for years if he had these regrets all along. How do you fake it for 20 years without letting it show?
He wasn't faking it for 20 years; going to the point of having children and buying a house. He is rewriting your history together, plain and simple. Don't fall for it.
Maybe you've already acknowledged the following and don't need to hear this, but you've got to see your H as someone very different. The man you were married to is GONE. He might return to form one day, but for now he is buried deep underneath MLC.
It's been just over a year for me, and I feel like I've only recently started to take steps to truly accept my W is not the same person anymore. I have to remind myself often, because my W has retained some of her preferences, habits & behaviors - and thus appears to be the same person. Your H may still seem the same in many ways. That may throw you off and make you think he's really the same, only that he feels differently about you. Not so. He feels differently about many things, most of all himself.
I find detaching and GALing is easy in theory, difficult in practice. It takes so much effort for me to take my eyes off the trainwreck unfolding in my house. When I'm able to pull it off, it works. The stress is gone.
Originally Posted By: KarenHC
my lawyer sent him the final copy on 2/6 and I have not heard a word about it. Not from him, his lawyer, nothing. I don't get it.
You're going to be saying "I don't get it" a lot. Many times, they don't make any sense...
Like many MLCers, my W has a few new acquaintances that I call "MLC Friends". Last week my W was complaining to an old friend about how incredibly clingy MLC Friend #1 is. She gave a big speech declaring how she's going to make a concerted effort to distance herself from MLC Friend #1 because her overt neediness was suffocating. What happened next? She spent much of the entire weekend going places with MLC Friend #1. Their skull is filled with spaghetti where their brain use to be.
You are NOT crazy. You are just in a crazy situation that he thinks is perfectly normal, and that makes you think you're crazy.
M: 49, W: 45 T: 22 M: 15 S14, S11, S9 BD: Jan '16 W files: Oct '16 D final: June '18
He's said we drifted apart a long time ago, he's said he doesn't want to work on it (based on what his subconscious told him in hypnosis), says he wants to be happy and find someone who inspires him to be a better husband.
Karen that is the script talking. My W said the same thing. It went from a year, to two, to 6, to the last 18 years...she kept changing things.
Originally Posted By: KarenHC
I don't know if he's rewriting history or if I'm just telling myself that to make it easier on myself. I don't see how we could have been so happy for years if he had these regrets all along. How do you fake it for 20 years without letting it show?
The rewriting is all part of their process from what I've been told. It seems that they have been unhappy for years, but not with you...it is all about themselves.
Originally Posted By: Brubeck
I find detaching and GALing is easy in theory, difficult in practice. It takes so much effort for me to take my eyes off the trainwreck unfolding in my house. When I'm able to pull it off, it works. The stress is gone.
It's just hard to detach from someone that "you" are committed to. You have to put them into God's hands and allow him to work in their lives. Keep yourself grounded in your own faith and you will thrive.
Originally Posted By: Brubeck
You're going to be saying "I don't get it" a lot. Many times, they don't make any sense...
I think mine is...This doesn't make any sense...this is crazy.
Originally Posted By: Brubeck
Their skull is filled with spaghetti where their brain use to be.
My W is gluten intolerant so hers is filled with spaghetti squash instead of pasta...haha.
Originally Posted By: Brubeck
You are NOT crazy. You are just in a crazy situation that he thinks is perfectly normal, and that makes you think you're crazy.
It does feel that we are crazy, but we are just passengers on their crazy train. Ozzy said it best in his song of the same name...
Mental wounds not healing Who and what's to blame I'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train I'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train
If you haven't read the lighthouse story, I suggest you do it. No matter how crazy things are with our spouses, we need to remain strong no matter what is going on with them. Stand strong in the storm and know that you are not doing this all on your own.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
My W also changed the script - nearly identical. "I haven't been happy for the past 2 years". It went to 6 years, then 8 years.
Afterwards, she was telling friends... "The first year was great, everything else after that was sh*t". "I was happy for a minute." "I was never happy." "I've hated him for years."
She updated me last month... "You know - when you proposed to me, I was over you. I was already moving on. I just married you because it was the next logical step. It's what people do. I've spent the entire time wondering what I'm doing with you."
Karen, don't be surprised if he says something similar.
Using Ozzy lyrics for a little life inspiration are always welcome!
M: 49, W: 45 T: 22 M: 15 S14, S11, S9 BD: Jan '16 W files: Oct '16 D final: June '18
I'm so glad to hear that I'm not the one who's saying crazy things. In my darker times I'm really looking inward to figure out what's wrong with me that he was so unhappy. I always supported him, was always proud to be with him, tried to be a good wife and mother and it wasn't enough. Nothing messes with your self worth like trying your best and being told you aren't good enough by the person who matters most to you. Hearing confirmation of the MLCr's need to rewrite history helps to bring me back from that pit a little.
We had the initial meeting with D12's therapist today (just H and I). The therapist will be amazing and extremely helpful for her, I can already tell. I spent the whole 90 minutes wanting to punch him out. Therapist asked how the girls were doing with everything so far (keep in mind we just told them in Nov and he just moved in Jan). H says they're doing pretty well, it's more of an annoyance to them to have to constantly pack a suitcase. REALLY. I sat there trying my best to swallow the venom that I wanted to spew and keep my ego out of it. I really wanted to keep the focus on helping D12 deal with this. But man, I wanted to just shake him. He seemed so nonplussed by it. It's like someone just pulled the plug on his emotions... that or he's just taking a lot of lithium.
I know in Gordie's thread there was talk about not wanting to criticize the spouse, and for a long time I have been defending him and what he's doing. But now I'm just so angry that I don't want to defend him. And I think he's right, I do deserve better than what I'm getting from him. I think it's coming from a place of immense pain, but I find it a struggle to be the lighthouse (I have read that, yes). I do admire those that have the strength to keep the lights on through all of this. I'm going to have to dig deep if I plan to do the same.
Me : 42 Him : 43 M : 18, T : 19 D13, D11 4/16 1st BD (ILYB) 11/16 H wants s, moves out of br 1/17 H rents house & moves out 2/17 OW (he denies PA but EA last winter) 5/17 I filed for D 7/17 D Final
Karen...I agree with you about cycling between confusion and total anger. I take things one day at a time.
My W has also checked out emotionally...she shows no emotion or remorse. I just take it in and try and tell myself that she isn't the woman that I fell in love with. She is in a total depressed state and is validating her feelings by pushing me away and trying to get me to agree with her.
We will never understand what they are going thru. We would also never walk out on our family. All we can do now is take things one day at a time and continue to build ourselves up. Make yourself into the woman that you know you are.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
My W has also checked out emotionally...she shows no emotion or remorse.
Remorse, what's that? My W actually told me as we were discussing our D settlement that she feels so excited...like an 18 yo heading off to college...
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
uRworthy helped me with the anger side of this immensely. Looking back I had been dealing with MLC for about 2 years though had no idea what I was dealing with at the time ... in fact I was leaning more towards her being Bi-Polar as her sister and mother had similar traits, now knowing more about both Bi-Polar and MLC I am certain all 3 are MLCrs. Not knowing what was going on nor how to deal with it all made me confused and then anger came in to take the place of the confusion. Thank the heavens for this site.
In uR's wise words .... "Anger is not necessarily a bad thing provided you do not live there, use it as fuel to get you over the stuck portion and arrive where you need to be."
I found this too came in cycles and different intensities and would be triggered from the strangest of places, but I learned to harness it and it helped me detach, and move away from where I would find myself stuck at times.
As far as the remorse .... in what I have read, that happens far later in the process if at all. My MLCr actually showed a little in 2015 for about 2 months here and there .... I do think the guilt and shame landed her square back into the tunnel as its not easy for them to face, nor is it easy for them to admit. While in replay they are far to consumed with themselves and the pursuit of their of happiness so if you find yourself waiting for that apology you should go ahead and revisit the No Expectation portion of all this.
