Moored

[HaWho]

Hi Bttrfly - thanks so much for the very thoughtful post. Quick answer: I saw both an IC and tried a DB counselor. This is just such a long slog though, and great as my IC was she did not really understand MLC. I could tell she was slowly building a cut and run strategy for me. Heck, it may come to that and I knew it then, but I did not want to start that way. I have found the best way to get the stress out, for me, is to exercise and to post here where people believe this thing is real. And that does help. You guys are my lighthouse, too!


Roist - yes, thank goodness for him! He has been my hiking companion through very stressful times, too. H seems to lean on him as well. The dog must be confused: how comes these two never walk me together?!?

Gordie - trust me, you too have strength you never knew even existed.

Brubeck - Job is right. I did withdraw; a lot. This is awful, but I was convinced I hated my h. I had such anger towards him.

Now, in retrospect, I realize I was projecting that anger onto him. My sister's son was born with a very rare genetic disorder. For years, unbeknownst to me, I was processing that anger as I grieved the life he and she/her husband should have had.

I had no idea I was depressed or that I'd changed so much; I put it all on my h because I couldn't face truly dealing with what happened to my nephew. My anger towards h kept me safe in denial and delayed me from facing the gravity of what happened to my sister's life and the life of this little boy.

I started to wake up when my sister and nephew came to visit. I picked them up at the airport and I could no longer deny that this wasn't going to go away. Prior to this, I had seen my nephew weekly via Skype but somehow I was still able to live in denial until I saw him in person.

Depression is a bizarre, bizarre thing. I did a lot of the weird things my h has done. But I had no replay (thank goodness as that is awfully embarrassing; so thankful I wasn't running around playing cougar and wearing hooker clothes.) And unlike my h's d, mine had nothing to do with aging/death nor childhood issues. I mourned the death of a living child; which is a tough one.

Just a quick update. H went out before dinner on Saturday. He returned just after the boys and I ate dinner. Don't worry Job, I knew not to wait. Of course he has a bazillion allergies so every night I have to tweak his meal.

I was so angry he just didn't post after I made him a separate meal due to allergies. Who does he think he is? A Saudi Prince? I thought about tossing his meal in the garbage. In the end, I poured this sauce on it that he doesn't like; says it hurts his stomach. But the kids love it so they could eat it tomorrow.

He came home as I was cleaning up. I said hi but I was mad. I went upstairs and heard him foraging for food. I knew he couldn't find "his dinner."

A few hours later I went down and the dish with the sauce was empty! I asked s13 who ate it and he said h. Argh.

The next day h was super nice. He was very chatty. He went out for a short bit in the AM. I made the kids breakfast. H came in as we were about to walk the dog. He asked where we were going. I told him and said I assumed he did not want to come as he's only just returned. But he crashed with us. And he was Mr. Chatterbox.

In the walk he asked us to eat out that night. We did. He looked awful; grey skin and all. He brought up more childhood issues; none of them new.

He asked if we all wanted to go away for a few days in the summer. The boys answered and I listened. I didn't really answer. There was so much commotion with the boys talking that I hoped I could slip from committing. That is months off yet and right now, my heart isn't in it.

But he categorically asked if I was coming and I said yes; the boys' eyes on me.