Calling out for perspectives, 2by4s, whatever - just need some advice.
Didn't see WH for a full week. He took OW on a 4 day holiday abroad and met her brother (there goes the twisting knife), and then spent the rest of the week at his parents with our son. I stayed behind and did a lot of cathartic crying and reading for the 4 days I didn't have S3 to focus on. Which was helpful in its own way.
During his time with S3, he sends me an email detailing the offer he is making re divorce settlement, which is not favourable to me. I was cut deeply when I looked at it - how can someone you loved so much and said they loved you as much care so little for you now they have no interest in how you fare from hereon, and don't care if you struggle financially for the rest of your life? It's mind boggling to me. I didn't reply to the email.
Over the next 3 days, he sends me pictures of our son and a couple of videos. No messages, just pictures. I know why he's doing it - it's because he's trying to keep me sweet and he thinks this will help him in the long run when the custody issue raises its head - I've seen an email to his mother saying as much. I respond just once, to say 'Thank you'.
On Saturday when I get home in the evening, he's there with our son, chatty about S3's holiday, seeming full of good cheer. He looks really good and I hate it. I hate the fact that I still think he's gorgeous and his face is so familiar and dear. It breaks my heart afresh. I had been in a really good mood because in true GAL fashion I signed up for a one day philosophy workshop, which I thoroughly enjoyed, and came home feeling like my old self, the self I was before I met WH. Seeing him took that away.
Everyone tells me I look great too, but the compliments ring hollow because I feel so crap inside. Still keeping up the discipline though <grim determination>.
WH asks me why I never responded to his email. I said I wasn't prepared to talk about it yet, I didn't know what to say. He asked if we could talk about it on Wednesday - I said ok.
It was time for S3 to have his bath and get ready for bed, and I said to WH, I'll take over now, you can get going. WH's response was, "Why can't we do it together?" At which point S3 who's standing between us pipes up and says, "Yes, let's do it as a family, TOGETHER. Let's be together!" I just looked at WH. This kind of thing breaks my heart so much. I've started saying bedtime prayers with S3 in the last few weeks and for the first week he just listened to me, but last week he had this prayer to say: "Please bring my daddy home." The first time he said it, it was like a sledgehammer of grief just hit me. He says it every night now.
WH looks uncomfortable and says to S3, "Yes, that's because of Daddy, at the moment."
The old me would have obsessed for hours over the "at the moment". I know better now. It doesn't matter what he says until he actually DOES something.
We did bathtime together and WH was being chatty, but all about S3. Didn't ask me anything about me personally and didn't offer any information about himself. He then brought up S3's upcoming birthday in May and said, "Shall we throw him a birthday party?" I was already planning to and I said so. He then asked, "Can't I be involved?" I looked at him, incredulous. I will be inviting all my good friends and their kids, people who have propped me up in this nightmare WH has plunged me into - and he thinks it will be all right to be around them? It would make all my friends so uncomfortable, not to mention me - what is he on? I told him I'd have to think about it and he asked if we could discuss this on Wednesday too.
When I was telling a friend yesterday about this and how amazed I was by his insensitivity, she explained that in his mind he's moved on so far ahead that he's beyond pain and doesn't expect me to feel any pain either, which is why doing things like being all friendly and wanting to co-host stuff doesn't faze him - it doesn't occur to him any longer there's any difficulty because he thinks I'm in the same place that he is, which is Happyville.
I've re-read Bluwave's thread today and in there she posts about how the WS still feels pain and guilt throughout the whole A. Is my WH an exception?
What do I say about the birthday scenario? If I tell him I don't want him there because it will make people feel uncomfortable, he will get angry that I've been blackening his name, as he will see it.
Does he really think he's done nothing wrong and that I'm ok with it just because I'm not hideous to him every time I've seen him? I've been trying to be the cordial neighbour but his response to me yesterday seems to indicate to me he thinks I'm content with the situation, no complaints about being left for another woman. Is it really possible he thinks that? Am I going mad?
