Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 9

[PsySara]

2016,
I have to keep reminding myself of how far I've come since Dday. I was an utter basket case for at least three months. I don't remember a lot but I can recall at one point lying on my office couch and sobbing. My heart ached, my skin hurt, heck I think even my hair hurt. I kept waiting to wake up from the nightmare that was my life. There was no mental place in my head for my WH actually cheating on me while I was pregnant. He actually proposed her being a second wife and she accepted. They began having sex and then WH asked me how I felt about a second wife. I thought he was making a joke, like marrying a motorcycle or something. But then I realized he was serious and I felt like the floor just gave way beneath me. I demanded to know if they had sex and he vehemently denied it for 4 days, even swore on the Quran, until I restored his phone messages. I even spoke to her on the phone and was gracious and kind, she apologized and said she would never speak to him again. Of course that was all lies and lies and lies. The fact that he would actually consider such a despicable person my equal (a co-wife when I don't even believe in polygyny in the modern day) really gets my goat. My DBing coach says I am still stuck on "somebody's gonna pay" and he's right. So I make sure not to react and put myself somewhere else away from WH until the rage passes.

Skyhigh,
I have read and re-read your post, it has been very soothing. Valentine's day was a mixed bag for sure. WH wanted to take me out to lunch but got caught in a traffic jam and was an hour late, this resulted in us going to grab some fast food instead. He was extremely apologetic and asked me if there was anything he could do to make it up to me. I wanted sooooo bad to tell him, "Let's go for a 2 day intensive with MWD!" LOL!!! In the end there is a huge part of ego in this. He kicked the teeth out of my ego and I find myself wanting to lash out because of the pain he caused. But I remember my mindfulness and focus on the NOW. WH is working VERY hard to be a better husband. While he doesn't read self help books or go to IC he does ask me every day if he can do something or say something to make me feel good. Sometimes I feel like a tightrope walker. I know his ego is very fragile and he is pretty raw from all the raging I was doing.

This week WH has come home twice telling me he was missing me and the kids. He touches me a lot and we ML quite often. HE helps with the kids a lot and shows appreciation when I do the regular routine. It's strange but the resentment is so powerful now, while everything is going as I desire. When I was in crises mode and practicing the LRT I would have thought I would NEVER feel resentful if WH simply re-engaged into our marriage. But here I am, battling this ugly demon in my head. It helps to read my experience is not unique. I am very grateful for getting s second (third?fourth?) chance to save my marriage. This picing is HARD. I think as a reward to myself I will finally put piecing into my signature again.