Moored

[bttrfly]

We won because I shut off the tv and monitored via computer. Every time I would switch back to the game, something terrible would happen. Finally I just followed along on the Pats website and it worked!

now to a less pleasant topic:
HaWho in the years leading up to BD, I found myself asking myself questions about my husband and marriage that I never dreamed I would ask. I only shared them with my therapist, as I didn't know this place existed, and rarely my brother from another mother. I'd have to say about the last 18 months we were together I was wondering what lessons I was teaching my son about women, and their roles in family. This weighed on my mind heavily and still does, tbh.

So here we are. Son has watched his father and his father's friend say the most horrendous things and he's absorbed them like a sponge. I still kick myself that I didn't kick that friend out of my home for some of his spew.I do recall saying on more than one occasion that I would prefer him to censor his speech around our boy. I would also tell exh repeatedly that he needed to censor some of his speech around our son.

I ask myself if my staying during those years was the best thing. Should I have been the one to leave? Was it better to be together and yes, very loving a lot of the time, while there was this growing subtext? I don't have the answers. Some of the troubles our son has had this year I can trace direcly to exh and his friend. From what I can tell, exh sees the damage now, and is frantically trying to fix it, but you know, in some ways, it's too late. Our boy watched for a good 4-5 years while his father disrespected me and our family consistently, first in small, unobtrusive ways, and then in larger, more obvious ones. I've had to do some "re-training" over the past two years, with a 6'3" 200 pound angry teenager who can get downright nasty on occasion as only his father or another teenager can. It's laughable when exH says, "He shouldn't speak to you that way." No Kidding. Where did he learn it was ok and how am I supposed to "make" him do anything? Luckily, as I said, exh is doing his best to undo some of that damage, and I appreciate it. I just wonder if there's something I could have done differently when son was a pre-teen.

I guess what I'm saying here HaWho is that at some point, I think we all have to take a step back and look at the much bigger picture of what are the life lessons we hope our children are learning from this horrific experience known as MLC. What are we hoping they will look back on or take into their own marriages. I know as Catholics there's that aspect as well. It's a lot to hold. No one can make these decisions except the person in the situation.

I worry about you and the pressures you are under, living with this day in and day out. Do you think it might help to talk to a DB Counselor or IC about this? Just so you can have extra support as you sort thru it all? You've done such an amazing job of holding it all together. Who is holding it for you? I hope I haven't overstepped any boundaries. Sending you prayers and love xoxoxo