Skm, anxiety is my worse enemy too. I am a resolve it now person, but maybe that's why it's happening to us. It's to learn patience, using our self control for our benefit.
It's not actually just waiting. I got very confused with the same subject. And was acually seeing things the same way you are seeing now.
But, the more I tried to convince my XH that our marriage was valuable and that we could put some hard work on it and we could pull it together and be happier then ever, the more he justified that things were so bad for the last 10 years.
For a year he said that nothing worked between us. That I didn't love him. But guess what? A month ago, he mention a place in California where we had vacations a few years ago and then I said that we better don't even bring back bad stuff and he said that it was actually a very fun vacation, that he was happy and didn't even realized it.
So, they also need time to reflect on their actions. They are somewhat confused too. They know what they did and sometimes they feel guilty, ashamed but other times they think that if you were a better person, more this or more that, that they wouldn't be in the mess that they are.
You feel the way you feel and you know what is going on in your mind. He also feel stuff, he is also up and down.
He needs to be left alone to look into himself too. One thing that use to bother my XH is that I somehow managed never text, call or ask him for anything.
Every time something happen, was because he came to my house, or sent me a text. The bad side on that is that he knows me well, he knew what bottoms to push and I fell for it and reacted to his provocations.
But I have been learning to guard myself better and show him I am moving foward with my life.
It hurts, I know. I worked very hard too. I gave up my life, my family, my good career, everything for this man. I followed him, made a home for him to come back everyday and then he gave it all up, fell for a coworker.
It's very hard to look at all that and accept that the old marriage is dead, but it is and your only chance is to get out of the torment of all this destruction and start setting yourself for war.
The early you get it, better are your chances to get what you are looking for.
Focus on what you can improve in yourself. Start on the outside to get some self confidence, I changed my hair color, lost a lot of weight. I know I look better and I drive him crazy.
Then, are you seeing an IC to help you to cope with your desperation and your broken heart? I got an IC that worked even in other areas of my life, I got into a divorce support group and started going out with them, got myself into a gym and exercised a lot to feel better, I got into a bible school, changed religion, drove all east coast with my kids during a long vacation.
Are you taking any antidepressant, I got a mild one for a year and it helped me big time.
With time it stared showing my X that I was not sitting around waiting for him to feel sorry for me. Then he started questioning himself what he did too.
And with time you feel stronger, more confident and of course more attractive.
It's not a game, but it's the way human beings respond romantically.
Try to remember why he fell in love with you in the first place. Where is that woman? Can you be more like that lady that drove him crazy?
I know it is difficult, and I would like to be there to cry with you. I still cry a lot. But now I soak my pillow and talk to God to ask for strenght to endure the battle.
But you will find strenght you didn't even know you had. Things go around and come around. Help yourself, you will feel better, I know you will.
Did you wrote a list of your goals, even small ones for now? It helps, because it is not only detaching from your H. It's detaching from your marriage, your routine, your habits beside him, your role as wife. It's very overwhelming.
It helps to create a list because you start focusing better. Stop being sad sometimes and start thinking what you will start doing, what will give you a chance to reconcile.
Remember that what seems wrong, will probably be the right thing to do. It seems that following the DB rules will drive him away, but it actually works to get their attention first, and then their curiosity, sometimes even their anger and frustration. But it works. Think about.
