The excitement of what if

[Zues126]

What's the real difference between feelings and beliefs?

Beliefs to me are things like:

Marriage is forever.

We aren't here to judge our spouse or our marriage based on they or it is doing for us, but rather to challenge ourselves to be the best partner we can be for our spouse. This is one of our primary purposes in our lives.

We are here to find appreciation in what we have been given.

We are here to be the best parents we can be, to help teach our kids to celebrate their time on this planet, develop their gifts, and help them develop their own beliefs that will guide them through their lives.

It is important to use the gifts we have and do the best we can at what we do.

We should live in a way such that if everyone on the planet duplicated our behavior the world would be a little nicer, not a little more savage.

These are just some of my beliefs, on top of many that are outlined in our classic religions (10 commandments, etc.)

Feelings to me are things that are about what we want or don't want:

I deserve better than this in a relationship so I'm going to leave.

I should get to do what I want to do every day instead of this job so I'm going to quit and pursue my dreams and not worry about what this might do for my family.

I have more fun watching football and drinking beer than hanging out with my kids so I'll stay at the bar tonight.

I don't feel like practicing or working hard so I'll just do the minimum and not care what the results look like.

I'm not happy with what life has given me so I'm not going to enjoy any of it because I deserved so much better.

OK, so I'm not giving this any thought or proofreading, this is just shooting from the hip. My point is that I have no problem recognizing and listening to feelings to see what they have to say, but to allow them to direct your life in a way that runs contrary to underlying beliefs seems very destructive to me. And while some beliefs might evolve (being the best at what you do, for example, maybe you try your best at work when you're an adult instead of your choir when you are a kid, or being the best parent you can be can evolve as you try to navigate through different challenges) the underlying themes can remain constant. And some, like not divorcing or murdering, are very rigid.

For example, most people have the belief that marriage should be based on fidelity. But if your partner cheats, there are some that would be willing to overlook that belief and work on their marriage because they have feelings of love for their cheating spouse. Or because they do not want to feel grief or loss.

I have the belief that marriage should be based on fidelity. That belief is for ME. *I* won't cheat. If my partner cheats, yes, I will have some difficult decisions to make. But my partner violating one of my beliefs is about them, not about me. I would then have to act in accordance with my beliefs to determine how I felt I should respond. This can be tough as they can conflict, for example my belief that marriage is permanent would be an argument to stay, whereas the belief of doing what's best to provide for my children could be more murky as they would benefit from both mom and dad but not from a poor model of marriage or demonstrating to them an acceptance of ongoing disrespect or infidelity. In that situation, though, I think making emotional decisions is destructive, that instead we have to let our emotions have their say, but then calm down and try to interpret what course of action best fits with all beliefs. Some are more priority than others. In the end we're not perfect but we can strive to do our best rather than reacting to our emotions and rationalizing the path of least resistance.

But I'm gonna stand up for feelings. Feelings and emotions are what makes us alive. They inspire great art and literature. They are the reasons why jokes are funny. Feelings are what drives us to succeed or win or work for change. They ensure protection and survival of our children. Hey, they make sex better. Why are you knocking feelings?

Feelings are great, they are what makes us who we are, they are the spice of life. I just think they are a lousy compass for our lives in many ways. Our beliefs come first. How we spend our leisure time, what kind of movie we want to watch, what food to order, what book to read, etc, those are great decisions to guide with feelings. Whether to stay married or divorce, whether to quit your job or keep working, whether to focus on your spouse's behavior or on yours, these are things where they don't serve as well.

My perception is that most of the destruction in our culture comes from people elevating their feelings and entitlement to personal happiness above the beliefs that used to hold our society together.

So, like anything else, the key is balance. Feelings are fine in balance, just like a beer, or a bowl of icecream, or a binge netflix session. But what can be done can be overdone. Even this beliefs rant could be overdone if it interfered with the joy we have for our life or festered resentment in the rest of humanity for being human. I've seen that too and try to avoid that as that would be paradoxically against my belief that life is for celebration. But in the end I don't think this is the direction we are out of balance these days.

Just my thoughts though J, murky at times in my mind so definitely not cast in stone and probably expressed a little clumsily. Oh well, if I waited to make this post perfect it would never happen so let's just submit and move on...;)