Help - Setting Boundaries, WW in EA - Thread #3

[Woke_Up]

Woke_Up,

As you point out, what you are doing isn't working...you are back at square 1.

What do you want to change the dynamic? What do you need to change within yourself to enforce your boundaries? As you know, boundaries with no consequences are worse than no boundaries at all.

Gordie, thanks for your post. I know, I am really struggling with putting things into action. What do I want to change? So much.i want to be able to not be at the whim of her moods, with my responses and emotions tied to hers. I want to be able to avoid the arguments in front of the kids, which I try my best on. I want to be able not to engage, to find the time for myself in all of this. But I don't seem to be able to. I get back from work at around 7:30 pm - school is out at the moment, so D then needs a bath, story, bed and she is not playing ball I get to eat dinner gone 9pm. Then I am almost out of time - I do a few jobs around the house. Last night W wanted to watch a film together, while we ate diner. We started watching, but then I saw her on her phone, messaging... she hid the phone when I got up to get the ketchup from the table, and it was obvious she was on to OM. I said something about her doing it while I was sitting in the same room, and then I left the room. Finished my dinner in the study, went for a walk on the garden, and then took the car to the tyre shop, dropped I off and cycled home. Then went to bed, although she still had me help her sort her bed out when she wasn't happy with yet another memory foam mattress topper she had bought.

Maybe a baby step? The next time your W asks you to do something for her, just say no...or if no seems too abrupt, then I can't do things for you under the current circumstances.

I have tried this, and should probably be firmer and weather the S##t storm that will follow. It starts with how she does EVERYTHING, looks after my children, I'll have to start asking her to look after the children and to do things if she has to ask me, etc. We have had plenty of typical WW spew this morning. All scripted. This was about her room (the MBR) - I had forced her out, stand len it, stolen her bathroom, her wardrobe (she actually lit my clothes in there and moved hers out), stole her bed, and it's the only one she can Ben comfortable on, after having my child ruined her back and pelvis... then she said we should go our separate ways, that I would try to rip her off because I am self employed, that she knows how men work. She would be happy with just the house and not take a penny off me (this is so laughable, we afford it as I am self employed, we wouldn't afford it if I was in a regular 9-5, and as she has been a sahm, she is not in a career position. She also resents this. Anyway, she is fixated on the bedroom issue, but even if I moved back out, it wouldn't change her behaviour. She wasn't even willing for me to take the study as my space - that was why she let me back into the bedroom - rather that than let me have part of the house for me. There is a major control issue here. This morning she was telling me she would have no choice but to emigrate, as she couldn't afford the UK if she didn't get the house. This is a threat and done to hurt, as OM is in the US.

And re ML..just asking: why did you do it? how did it make you feel? did you think it was helpful or hurtful to your situation?

I am one of those people who likes to be physically close to feel emotionally close. I guess it was my way of trying to get her emotionally involved with me again, and feeling that there is still hope, that all is not lost. However, I suspect that she was just horny on this occasion and I was being manipulated, consciously or unconsciously. It wasn't hurtful to my sitch specifically, but always feels weird when she then goes off to her room.