Not sure where I am so no title!

[Sotto]

Hi Coly, I wouldn't pull the plug on the visits - and I wouldn't depend on them happening or happening at the current level or whatever.

What you may want to do is sometimes prioritise your own things and for his visits not always happen on those days - ie: not putting that time with him first always, but accepting invites on some of that time. Perhaps leaving him to spend a little time with D if that's what they so choose.

It doesn't need to be a black and white choice - pull or don't pull - I think subtle withdrawal and coming forward can be really useful. I say this with a caveat. I certainly think it would be fine to pull completely if there were a significant boundary issue - but otherwise, I would do as I have suggested above and prioritise living and rebuilding your life - but allowing him a little time in it as you presently do..

Hope this helps Coly - and always remember these two useful questions - is this working for me? What do I need to do to look after myself in this situation.

Xx

[Coly23]

Hey Sotto, that really makes sense about things not always having to be black and white or all or nothing. I'm going to try and arrange some nights out and ask H to come over and spend time with D on his own. I might even ask if he could give me a lift. Or would that be pushing it!!! :0)

For sure if H was seeing someone else that would be my boundary or if he wanted to push for D, again that would be my boundary. I don't think I could stomach doing family time with him if he did.

Feeling a bit better now after talking it through with you guys. Thank you so much!

[ForGump]

Coly

Heard this on the radio tonight and when I learned they were Brits, I thought about you and wondered how you're doing.

"Oh, simple thing, where have you gone?
I'm getting old, and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired, and I need somewhere to begin"

Greetings from more than six time zones away

[Coly23]

Ahh, FG I love that song!

Thanks for checking in. I've been reading your thread bit not commenting as I see you have plenty of good advice. I'm sorry though that the D wheels are in motion, I know how hard it is to have to split up your life. Just take care of yourself and your kiddos and everything else will just happen. I'm hoping you will find some relief when you are removed from the drama.

Journaling - had a bit of a breakdown at work yesterday. As you know I've been spinning a bit the last few days and my emotions were very close to the surface. It took just one of my colleagues to ask how it was going and the flood gates opened! She was encouraging me to find my confidence and anger and kick H to the curb as she feels he is disrespecting me . IDK, sometimes that's exactly what I want to do and other times I want to be patient.

H did come over last night but my heart wasn't in it. I was ok but I wasn't overly jolly and accommodating as I have tried to be in the past. I think H is holding back having any emotional connection to me and that's making it hard to know how to act around him. I did find myself looking at him and thinking that I'm not sure about him anymore.....

[ForGump]

Got another one for you, many years old by now, but heard it on the radio last night and it just felt so real to me right now:

And if you want it
Come and get it
Crying out loud

The love that I was
Giving you was
Never in doubt

Let go your heart
Let go your head
And feel it now

Let go your heart
Let go your head
And feel it now

Yes, by another Brit ...

[roist]

I have read several times that anger can be a good thing to improve a R. Do not avoid being angry. I think the key is how that anger is channeled and released. Use it to motivate you and direct you, but do not let it control you or your behavior.

Just dropping by as you have not posted in a while. I hope that means you are no longer spinning. Let us know how you are when you get a chance.

Best wishes

[Ginger1]

H did come over last night but my heart wasn't in it. I was ok but I wasn't overly jolly and accommodating as I have tried to be in the past. I think H is holding back having any emotional connection to me and that's making it hard to know how to act around him. I did find myself looking at him and thinking that I'm not sure about him anymore.....

Why would you act overly jolly and accommodating? That could come off kind insincere and fake. What kind of connection could happen without sincerity?

If you are not truly feeling up to his company and feel like you have to act a certain way, maybe you could say "I'm not feeling up to it tonight"

Often times when we fake it, people can see right through it.

[Coly23]

Roist, Ginger, FG, thank you so much for dropping in.

I've not been posting much because I really don't know what to say or think any anymore. My emotions are still all very the place although not as bad as they have been I do find myself spinning quite often. However Ive been reading all your threads but not commenting much as I really don't have any wise words at the moment.

Riost - I really wouldn't know how to channel my anger and that is why I suppress it a lot. When I was young I had quite a bad temper although a lot of it was borne out of frustration being the middle child of a large family I was left out a lot. During my late teens I learned how to control my temper although every now and again when I become frustrated it does rear its to ugly head but otherwise I keep it bay. To me anger brings back memories of me losing my temper and I just don't want to go there. I know once I lose it, it will be ugly!

Ginger, I realise how fake I have been acting but this whole situation is fake to me. How do I act around my own husband who doesn't live with me anymore? DB says don't do R talk, don't talk too much, don't ask too many questions, be upbeat when they are around. It's exhausting to try to find the real me in amongst all those different faces I have to wear!

When H came over on Wednesday I really wasn't in the mood as I was a bit under the weather but it seemed the quieter I was the more upbeat H became! Over compensating? Today before he came over I decided to think of it as him just coming home from work rather than him visiting us and it worked to help me relax and both me and D noticed how very relaxed H was tonight. You are right though he can probably sense me over acting!

Journaling - so H is still coming over twice a week. The only communication we have is when he tells me his availability for that week or when he wants to know what food we want to order in.

Last week H came over and stayed the night with my D as I had to go away for work. He was really poorly to the point that my D called me the next morning to say that he could hardly stand and she was frightened he was going to collapse. I called him straight away and he did sound quite bad with cold and flu but he stayed and slept in my bed for the rest of the day rather than going back to his flat.

I'm still doing my exercise at least 5 times a week and really enjoying it and seeing and feeling the difference to! I got ID when I bought a bottle of wine today that made me smile!

I may have mentioned before but I've taken all my wedding pictures down and just left one picture of the three of us from our honeymoon. I noticed the last few times that H has been over that he stares at that picture every now and again and he does it quite openly. I asked my D if maybe that picture annoys him or if he is reminiscing or If he is thinking how much slimmer he looked! I don't know what is going through his head and may never!

FG, just read your signature. So sorry about being D now... :0(

[job]

Coly,

Come here and talk when you need to. If you are just journaling your thoughts/feelings, then tell us and we won't make as many comments unless you want them. You need a safe place to journal and this is the place

Yes, they can sense our every mood. They know us quite well and can tell when something isn't right w/us. Their radar is extra sensitive during MLC. I think you handled the visit quite well when you talked yourself into thinking he was just coming home from work.

As for being sick, they tend to pick up every bug around during MLC. I'm sorry he wasn't feeling well, but he wants to be the tough man and not have others pampering him at the moment. He thinks he's a tough dude.

As for the photo and looking at it, he's thinking about that time and remembers that it was a really fun time. If you have more photos of you and your family on trips, think about putting a few more out around your place.

Keep up the good work. Come here if you need to talk.

[Altair]

Hi Coly, just stopping in to say hello. I understand your exhaustion surrounding the no R talk as well. It is counter-intuitive to me, but I'm doing it as well. keep up the good exercise work!