Your comment about being angry about the old M caught my attention.
Are you angry about the loss of innocence that you and H once had together? Isn't this an area where you perhaps need to work on in forgiving H for the betrayal of such wholesome innocence by dishonoring it?
What do you think?
Wonka, thanks for posting. I have tried to dig deeper on this, I have. Unfortunately, better understanding doesn't seem to help. We went to MC for a year, I have read books on it, and I have talked to my trustworthy people. Perhaps I don't know HOW to work on it. I don't want to live my life as a scorned woman. I want to forgive him, and I want to fall in love with him. I still have this anger though. I am angry at what he did and with who he did it with--she is awful (desperate, manipulative, and vindictive) and she had this in the works for longer than he knew. It is hard for me to accept that he could destroy our M and tear apart our family for that. While it is not that black and white, ultimately he left me to pursue that. He didn't even try to work through our struggles. He bailed. I always stuck by his side through thick and thin. He admits all along he knew he was wrong (from the EA to the full blown R with her when he left me), he knew it was running from his life, yet he did it anyway. He made choices over and over again to hurt me and the kids and it went on for so long.
Also, I am angry that his choices led to a loss of what we had. I know it is not just about her. I know that he couldn't handle things between us and just ran to whatever "made" him feel better. I feel as if we had something special--beyond innocence--we had a close R, we talked about everything, laughed, cried, were compatible (and still are) in so many ways, and we had this incredible attraction. Amazing sex all the time. We wanted the same things in life and we talked about it a lot. We have everything. It still hurts me that he gave up me and then essentially watched me fall.
So now he regrets it all. He has worked on himself and changed. I cannot think of one good reason today to leave him. But my heart. My heart is still so wounded.
I am not sure if that makes sense. 2*4s welcome as always. I will reply more and to the others later.
Thank you, Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
