My update is that I don't have much to update. For me, this is good news. After several years of heartache, confusion, and then actively trying to piece, I am at a standstill. It is a welcomed break. My H did a 180 rather quickly and has been remorseful and consistent in his actions from day one. From reading here, I realize that this is not common. While I am grateful for it, I also need to honor my hard feelings.
V suggested a book on forgiveness that I am still reading. I want to be able to fully forgive him. What I have realized is that my understanding of what happened and time passing, have not alone led to forgiveness. My triggers have faded a lot--they are there, but they don't rattle me. I still have anger and resentment. Not just for the A and the choices he made to leave the M, but I am angry for what he destroyed between us. I do still believe that his A and him leaving for 10 months is what destroyed it. Despite our stresses and hardships before, we were still very much in love. There was closeness, respect, and a lot of attraction. I miss those feelings of intimacy. I know things will not go back to the way they were for the first 10 years, but it is hard to imagine what it will look like moving forward. This is not the M that I imagined.
Things are fine in general. Our M and family function well; we both work, take care of kids and home, and we agree this is what we want. While he snapped out of his fog 2 years ago, he still can more clearly see what a terrible mistake it was. While I logistically know I want this M to work, I often wonder when my heart will follow my head. I don't "feel" that I am in love with him. I also struggle with respect.
So for now, I continue on and accept the present. We still plan time together and have dates. From the outside, everything looks pretty normal. I am not sitting and waiting for things to change. My goal is to continue to GAL, 180, and DB in general, not necessarily detachment, but a focus on healthy attachments.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
