So Confused and Conflicted

[WshIKnw]

One thing I'm seeing is that it appears that you are trying to make changes for her and to win her back. The thing is, it can't be. If she notices, great. If not, then you'll be more than ok.

I'm talking about what I would do differently if she ever came back. That's extremely important. Be the same old husband when she comes back, and where will that take me?

[LITB]

Wsh,

You are filled with so much fear of losing your W that is jumps off the screen. The reality is, that has already happened. Now you are allowing the fear to be your navigation system. I believe that fear will lead you straight to the land of regret.

As you have read thread after thread in these forums, you will probably notice the timelines are not short. I posted to you on Tuesday to slow down. Breath buddy!!

There is not a magic bullet to quickly turn these situations around. It takes time and action. You need to make changes that are genuine and life lasting. FOR YOU!! When they are genuine and consistent, they are believable. Until you start working to get there, you will remain stuck. And yes, I believe the fear is paralyzing you.

[Dawgs]

Going to have to agree with LITB. She is already gone. I know that this is a scary part of your life - it was the scariest part of mine knowing that my wife and best friend isn't coming back. Scary as hell.

But now on are on your own path. Easier said than done, but you need to act like she never existed. Never.

[WshIKnw]

As you have read thread after thread in these forums, you will probably notice the timelines are not short. I posted to you on Tuesday to slow down. Breath buddy!!

I kind of feel like I am patient, but my family is not. Some of them keep telling me that it's over. They will go back and forth about whether it's over or not, as I complain that I won't give up any time soon. So, I don't want to be told to give up. That is entirely my choice when to give up. The fear is high today because I am fearful she is going to send separation papers today, because I will have the weekend to get over it, and because she said it would be last week or this week. The way she has been toward me changed the last few times I saw her, for the positive. So, I am afraid of receiving papers and feeling like that positive change was for naught. But I know that even after complete separation, there is a chance she could turn around. This all seems so out of character for her. If the real W comes back, I feel like she will be back in my arms. She loved me too much to do this. She is going through something, I think, and it might be just a fantasy fling that needs to take its course, and that I need to learn from, and say to myself, "Hey, idiot. Take notes. You can't neglect your wife, and think you'll keep her eyes on you forever. When she complains, those aren't just bad moods or small things. You have to keep asking her how things are, periodically, or you will be driving in the dark with your lights off."

There is not a magic bullet to quickly turn these situations around. It takes time and action. You need to make changes that are genuine and life lasting. FOR YOU!! When they are genuine and consistent, they are believable. Until you start working to get there, you will remain stuck. And yes, I believe the fear is paralyzing you.

Your encouraging and guiding words mean a lot, LITB. Thank you. And yes, fear is one of my biggest problems, and was a major problem for her.

[LITB]

I highly recommend reading up about The Stockdale Paradox. It is incredibly profound and inspiring. It helped put things in perspective for me. Perhaps it is something that you will find to be helpful.

The Stockdale Paradox is named after admiral Jim Stockdale, who was a United States military officer held captive for eight years during the Vietnam War. Stockdale was tortured more than twenty times by his captors, and never had much reason to believe he would survive the prison camp and someday get to see his wife again. And yet, as Stockdale told Collins, he never lost faith during his ordeal.


I copied and pasted the bold text above to give you an idea.

[WshIKnw]

LITB, Thank you for that about the Stockdale Paradox. I looked into it some, and will look into it some more. From looking at your signature, apparently you have gone through similar to what I'm going through, and you have found reconciliation twice. That gives me hope.

[LITB]

From looking at your signature, apparently you have gone through similar to what I'm going through, and you have found reconciliation twice. That gives me hope.

Yes, I went through my own personal he11. I learned a lot and made many mistakes along the way. I truly believe that we can learn more from one storm, than a thousand days of sunshine. We tend to be more motivated to change when faced with loss. It's your time if you so choose.

I am more than happy to share with you what worked for me and what didn't. I can tell you that I paid a big price for allowing fear to be my guide. Financially and time separated from my children. I call it the fog of fear. Members on here tried to warn me, but I thought that I knew better. Anyway, lessons learned.

[WshIKnw]

Yes, I went through my own personal he11. I learned a lot and made many mistakes along the way. I truly believe that we can learn more from one storm, than a thousand days of sunshine. We tend to be more motivated to change when faced with loss. It's your time if you so choose.

I agree a whole lot.

I am more than happy to share with you what worked for me and what didn't. I can tell you that I paid a big price for allowing fear to be my guide. Financially and time separated from my children. I call it the fog of fear. Members on here tried to warn me, but I thought that I knew better. Anyway, lessons learned.

I'd love to hear more about what you went through. Did you have a thread here? Is it still around?

I'm conflicted, because I'm the exception to the rule of needing to never pursue. If your spouse has accused you of being neglectful and distant, MWD says that you might not want to go all out on not pursuing. (She says this in the LRT video series.) I just don't know. I did pursue W a lot for the first month of her going cold on me, before she left, and then pursued her some after she left, and all I got was rejection, frustration, and silence a lot of the time, especially if my pursuit involved talking about the relationship. So, I wonder if that means that I have pursued enough, even for the husband that was accused of being neglectful. I'm just afraid of not pursuing too much. The rules on pursuit are not cut and dry for me, because I was neglectful. It makes it very hard to know what to do. And at some point, you've got to stop not pursuing. If she is contacting you, and you never reciprocate, that would be bad. So, I've got to study this material more and figure out when I can stop not pursuing.

[LITB]

I did have a handful of threads. You can click on my username, and go to "view posts" to read them. I've only tried to read through them once. I didn't get very far, because it was difficult to revisit them.

I still suggest not to pursue your W.

What have you been doing to begin making changes within yourself? What are your goals, outside of saving your marriage?

[WshIKnw]

I want to gain weight. So far, I've just gotten back to the weight I was before she dropped the bomb on me. I've been working out. The hard part is eating enough food, and then there's this numbness I get in my arms and hands after working out, that shows up at night when I'm sleeping. I'm going to see what happens when I don't do the forearm exercises. But my forearms and hands are what need the most development. I probably have some carpel tunnel issues, from too much computer use.

I want to make friends and get out more. I have made one friend, but have not yet been able to hang out with him in person. I'm not a very religious person, but I'm going to go to the church that my wife and I went to from time to time. I know I will find inspirational things in the message, and I do try to maintain faith, but it's hard when hit with stuff like this. And the most welcoming and friendly people from my experience tend to be in churches. I may even see my wife there. She went last week, before she came over to visit me.

I haven't been doing my old hobbies at all, which were mostly just working on video games -- understanding how they work and making my own modifications to them. I was too into my hobbies. I didn't put enough priority in my marriage. I resent my hobbies and want nothing to do with them right now. I don't view sitting around on the computer working on code all day as getting a life and doing something that my wife would find appealing. It's also not very healthy. I have no desire to do it. I only desire to do what would help bring her back -- studying information about my marital situation, and trying to make improvements to myself that she would appreciate.

I know you say I shouldn't be changing for her, but I have to have a plan in place on how to be the husband she needed me to be, in case she ever comes back. Most of the ways I needed to change for her would be easy, now that I'm fully motivated and fully understand how hurt and unhappy she was. It's hard to be motivated to make someone happier and give in to their requests, when they already seem happy to you most of the time. She would put a smile on her face, regardless, and carry on. Whereas, I think I've always worn my heart on my sleeve (though not right now, when I'm around her or people in her circle). I feel very confident that I would be able to do pretty much all the things she needed from me. The only challenging things were where anxiety got in the way -- getting out and traveling. I have been taking care of the house quite well. She can still get in any time she wants and be able to see that I'm not letting the floors get filthy and letting dirty dishes and trash pile up.

I've thought a lot about getting a motorcycle. It might help me to fight my fears. The only thing really keeping me from having one before was not wanting to put so much trust into all the other drivers on the road. Riding a motorcycle might trigger something in her that would make her really wonder whether I have changed. I could always stop riding it if I wanted to once she came back. She probably wouldn't want me to ride it, out of fear for my safety, anyway. The idea is to do something that I think I would enjoy (I enjoyed my dirt bike as a kid), stand up to fear, and catch her eye and make her see me as a new person.

I have changed my facial hair and I am very strongly considering getting rid of my pony tail that I've had for 15 years. My hair got in the way of us doing things, because it took me longer to get ready in the morning, because it takes a lot of time and effort to care for, if it's going to look nice. I always have hated the effort it requires, and she would from time to time mention me cutting it short, but never really pushed it much. She fell in love with me with the pony tail. So, I'm a little scared to change that. She would say that she was scared of me changing it -- scared she wouldn't like it. But that would show her that I'm trying to change, if I got rid of it. And she would say to herself, "that's one less thing that would get in our way of having a good time and getting out". Also, I know that long hair on a guy is usually a turn off for ladies. So, my wife might actually find me more attractive, and other women ought to as well, which could make my wife concerned that she could lose me to someone else. Becoming more physically attractive is something that I really want.

Her biggest issues with me seemed to be with my lack of desire to get out, socialize, and my lack of effort to be healthier. She wanted me to gain some weight, put on some muscle and some fat, and be stronger both physically and mentally. These are the things I'm working on most, not just because she needed them but because I think I need them, too (obviously, being healthy is something you should want). I especially need friends now that I don't have her. I felt like I had everything I needed, before. Then she left, and it's been like this huge hole ripped out of my being, leaving this massive void of loss and unfilled needs.