Try Not to Think Too Far Ahead

[Gordie]

Thanks. This helps a lot. I am leaning a lot from you.

[Gordie]

No, none at all. I did give her massages those few times but then she got really cold. I probably shouldn't have, she may have thought of it as a temp check, who knows. Before MLC I used to rub her almost daily because she was always in pain.

Certainly no hugs or kissing. IDK if I could even kiss her right now, it would be something I would have to work on IF things ever get back to that point. She wrecked me, the last time I tried to kiss her about the time I think the PA started she made it so awful and awkward it scarred me for life. The closest thing to contact we've had in months was her bumping my hand a couple times handing me something and standing close enough to bump arms showing me pictures on her phone. This is actually a huge step from where we were when I had cooties.

I'm struggling on the physical side. I never thought of her asking me to give her massages as recently as two weeks ago as temp checking but maybe that's all it was.

I still get occasional hugs and kisses (like a friendly neighbor), but only at her initiation. The last time I tried to initiate a kiss to her, she dodged me--cooties, ugh.

I don't want to date anyone in the forseeable future as I'm still committed to standing for my marriage and am in no way emotionally ready to engage with another woman, but I anticipate the lack of physical touch/affection will be yet another personal challenge of this whole situation. How do people handle this? Is it just a mental adjustment to accept that you aren't going to get any physical touch/affection for a while, maybe years...or the rest of your life?

[Kyh]

I suppose it is a mental adjustment, one of numerous ones. Idk what else to add, I wish I had some better input for you but I think it's just the way it is if you decide to stand. It's hard but gets better as time goes on. W basically slept on top of me for 13 years and it was very difficult to one day suddenly be alone but it does get easier, hang in there. This is one of those areas where I think about if she were in a coma what would I do.

[Gordie]

I think about he sickness and death thing too. On the one hand, it would be harder, but on the other hand easier, because it wouldn't be a conscious act of free will to betray and abandon the family. That stings differently. I guess that shy they say death of a spouse and D are the two biggest stressors one may experience in life. In both, you are losing what you love the most.

[bttrfly]

Kyh, how are you feeling? xoxoxo

[Kyh]

Thanks for checking in on me Bttrfly. I'm doing alright, I was having a bad week for migraines but it seems to have passed. I'm trying to deal with them naturally because I hate the way the medications make me feel and haven't had to take them for years. I accidently got glutenized a few times the week before which may have had something to do with it. You asked about stress in reply to my post and your thread and at first I thought no, but after I thought about it a bit I think I am really stressed but don't notice as much because I'm able to deal with it better now. A year ago I would've been a mess dealing with everything I am.

A little journaling..

I had the kids last week. D wanted to do a cheerleading clinic after school and then they cheered at a high school game this weekend. She absolutely loved it, I'm glad I could make it work for her to go. That girl loves to sing and dance.

W has been having quite a bit of contact. A few nights last week (can't remember why) and three nights this week. She ate dinner one night after we were done and even complimented me on it. She was trying not to eat but it was a pasta I used to make and she kept saying it smelled good and finally made herself some.

A lot of the contact was to do with kids being sick and me having them at my office this week but she would stay and talk with me. No R talks, mostly about her work but she would also show me things (mostly facebook stuff)on her phone. Tuesday she told me happy Valentine's Day before leaving. It was unexpected, I just said "you too." That night she texted me a couple things she copied off facebook saying she thought I would think they were funny. It was nice not having her be nasty on a holiday.

Last night she told me she was telling me all about her work. Problems with contractors, a guy they were about to hire, a work stalker (customer), and a creep (customer). She was also selected to go to a training seminar at a fancy resort. I congratulated her and told her how great it was. She was really happy and looking for validation. Then she kept talking about needing to loose weight and getting a new swimming suit that didn't make her look fat and showed me a couple. I wanted to tell her she wasn't and looked just fine but didn't say much other than she looked fine. Another reminder for me to detach because I immediately wondered who she was trying to look good for. It's hard with so much contact.

I've noticed W is really out of it lately. She came to watch D Saturday and called me from the parking lot because she didn't know where to go into the school. I told her the west and she got snippy about not knowing directions (the mountains are to our west, not too hard). She used to be really good with directions when we went places. She met with us after D was done and when we went to leave she was lost inside. She has also been telling me the same things two or three, sometimes four times and can't remember things I told her even the night before as well as some things from before BD.

So much talk about getting old... IDK what to say to her, it's ridiculous. Any suggestions would be helpful. I tried joking and told her I was going to get her a plastic cover for her couch.

Kids have both been sick again, one after the other starting last weekend until yesterday. It will be a miracle if I don't get it, pretty awful but they're okay now. It seems like we're perpetually sick. I have to think the stress has weakened the kid's immunity.

It seems like I haven't been able to do much but work, take care of sick kids and running around when they aren't. I have been trying to exercise more and have picked up a couple books not related to relationships/self help. Our weather has been unusually nice and I was able to get a bike ride in tonight.

I also found out through attorney emails that supposedly w's attorney put together a decree and gave it to w to review but hasn't heard back so I guess I will see.

[bttrfly]

Hi Kyh,
You've certainly got a lot going on. Thanks for the update. My ExH has a bad case of CRS - can't remember $h!t ... seems to go hand in hand with not only MLC but also really high stress. I can honestly say that during the past two years my own memory has taken some serious hits. Not good. I think we can only handle so much - the rest just goes out the window.

I hope you don't catch whatever it is the kids had. It's hard with little ones. Congrats on helping your D achieve her goal. I bet she had a blast and will always remember it .

Some people are susceptible to migraines due to sulfates - red wine is an especially big culprit. I'm surprised the CBD didn't help. I hold my stress in my neck and shoulders, and when it's really bad I've gotten horribly debilitating tension headaches, but as bad as they are, migraines are even worse. Sometimes sleep is the best remedy.

I'm glad you're feeling better. Hang in there and keep the focus on you and the kids. xoxoxo

[Brubeck]

Hi Kyh,

I also notice the frequent memory problems with my W. I test her memory when an opportunity comes along - and she always fails. I place items from her unfinished projects and put them into storage, she's never asked what happened to them. I put words into her mouth clarifying minor schedule details (never accusing her of anything), and not once has she replied with "I never said that".

All this seems offset with her OCD moments - activities she pursues with much energy & focus, only to quit and switch to something else shortly later.

Seeing the weird MLC behavior gives me a strange sense of comfort. It reminds me that I'm on a roller coaster, and I feel bad for finding solace in my sitch when I see my W struggling.

[Kyh]

It's been a couple weeks since I've taken time to post. The week before last I caught the same flu the kids had and had to go out of town last week. I've been so tired since being sick I've been going to bed early every night and it seems like I can't get enough sleep.

It's been really nice this weekend so I did take the kids to a park yesterday and got outside a little today after bday shopping for D.

The week before last my attorney let me know w's attorney sent a proposed decree. I knew it was coming from the way W was acting but it still hurt so bad. I think I felt every emotion I've had over the last year and half, BD to present, cycling over and over in that one day. I was absolutely exhausted that night, it was awful. I never want to feel those feelings ever again and hopefully I've let it go. I met with my attorney the following day keeping in mind the advice here about treating it as a business gone bad. My attorney sent back her response. There wasn't much to negotiate, W left child support blank so my attorney asked what she wanted. W wanted half of what the state requires. That was quite a surprise, my attorney was surprised it was as much as it came out to be and half will make things easier for me. IDK why W did that, maybe guilt. I fully expected her to use it to go buy a new car.

It was very depressing but I also felt a little relief leaving the attorney's office. Maybe just knowing what was unknown. It is still upsetting W won't lift a finger to work on anything, but such is MLC so I will continue to focus on myself and the kids.

It is strange, we have almost daily contact. W will text funny pictures, to tell me kids said or did ___, or to tell me ___ is coming to town and chats while she is here exchanging kids. I try to keep being kind to her even though it is hard sometimes. Her mom was in a car accident yesterday (she's okay) and she told me all about it as if we were together. IDK what I'm doing, hopefully being kind to her is the right thing to do. I know there is friend zone talk here but I have to wonder if I was completely NC if it would further her unfounded insinuation of me being like her parents. For our first 4-5 years together she only talked to them a few times a year. They rarely if ever reached out to her.

IDK what to think about the decree finally getting done. I'm sure it will be ready next week if it's not already by the way she acts (almost like she expects me to be mad at her but then gets friendly when I'm not).

D's bday is Tuesday and it is my week so I invited W for dinner. Again, IDK if it is right. I don't want the kids to think this is normal but D deserves to have both parents for her bday.

[Sotto]

Hi Kyh, good to hear from you and it sounds as though the last couple of weeks have been rough. I'm sorry and I can remember that pain of things moving a step closer - and yes there is also some relief mixed in...

I think the 'friends' question is a more difficult one. For me, actually being divorced did change things. Prior to that, XH was pretty dim anyway and I didn't initiate contact. You may want to have a think about what would work for you in the longer term and move towards that level of contact. But I guess for me, I didn't really let go of the need to be in touch until after divorce..

Of course, there is always a need to coparent constructively in the best interests of the kids, but whether that extends to dinner invites is up to you. XH and me did have XHXW1 over to dinner a number of times and she and I are still on friendly terms - but it took he and she a number of years to get to the point where they would happily have dinner together...

Hope this helps anyway