The high road: rocky with a great view

[ciluzen]

So, its been a few weeks since I've posted to my own thread. I guess I'll call this an update/journal post. A few thoughts; some ideas.

I have a series of four interviews for my program at the university today. I think its a good sign that they asked me for interviews, so I'm not too nervous. My workmates were trying their hardest to make me nervous, though. My new partner at work was even looking up sample questions online and throwing them at me throughout the day yesterday! I really enjoy working with him. We've quickly established a friendship, which isn't surprising...foxhole situation that we're in. We are in a room with just our student most of the day due to his behavior needs, so the three of us create a close partnership/bond rather quickly.

One of the questions he gave me provoked quite a bit of thought...even into this morning. "What trait do you consider your biggest weakness?" I've been working so hard on peeling back each layer of myself, analyzing, and then attempting to work on the negative aspects I discover. Yet no matter how hard I try, there is one that keeps popping up that holds me back and causes me to ruminate and perseverate; I can't let it go.

Jealousy.

That feeling of being left out or forgotten; not missed by others, thus creating a sense of being unimportant and unnecessary. I really struggle with that right now. My (adult) kids and their men are on the "family ski trip" with XH and Bubbles' family and a bunch of extra teens right now. I had to be there via phone and text while D24 struggled this week with issues related to anxiety about the trip, then excitement yesterday about being able to get it together and get on her way. I made a snide comment about Bubbles. It just came right out of my mouth. I apologized and told her that this is hard for me, but I also know that it is hard for her for unrelated reasons. Now I worry I might have set her off,and could just kick myself for it.

D26 came last weekend to spend some time with me, said we could go for a hike, but kept mentioning how she only had so much time because she was so busy. Both of them are on this trip for FIVE DAYS! And paying out of pocket for it. Then D26 posted a happy birthday message to a now D friend (used to be XH's best friend before friend's D) who used to go with his family on this trip but hadn't for 4 years. Her message that it wouldnt be the same without him and that he was missed...I understood the sentiment, but then my jealousy took over, screaming "what about ME?! You won't miss ME?" How selfish. But that is my biggest issue and the hardest to overcome. When I mention it to people I know, including my therapist, they feed it instead; telling me I have every right to feel left out, jealous, unappreciated, etc. It doesn't help. I don't think everyone should have to walk on eggshells around me or have to feel guilty for having fun. But how do I not feel that my own kids only are with me when they need me or are obligated to spend time with me, but they'd rather be part of the "party" with Dad? Heck, I'd rather be part of the party with Dad. But I'm not.

Kind of hard to detach. My jealousy is my one huge block I need to overcome in order to detach. Right now, no amount of GALing or keeping busy is able to cut into this unhealthy thought pattern. My friends are actually too supportive (LOL) in that they support this pity party. I'm noticing others here mention this jealousy issue, or "unfairness", too. It seems to be common (Disney Dad or Mom has been said) Anyone have any suggestions that work/ worked for them?