Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 9

[skyhigh]

Sara, I share your internal battle, I went through that, those waves of resentment came coming to me when the situation started to get better with my husband, once our mind starts to relax, here they come, they haunt us. Like you I had those agonizing resentment thoughts. How could have done that to me? At one point I didn't even know if I still loved him anymore, I had thoughts about leaving him... I kept having those flashes of him and them.

It was really an internal battle not to talk to him about those thoughts and share them with him. What kept me going? I told myself "OK, he is back, he is showing good will, not the one you want (saying I am sorry, remorse...), but at least he is here, my kids have their dad back and he is now present in their life, don't be so selfish, think about them, don't mess up".

In my mind there was a constant dialogue, between anger/resentment and reason. I kept myself busy with the kids and activities. I never talked to him about what was going on, I didn't want to scare him, and also I knew somehow the relationship was still fragile/shaky, one mistake, and he might be going back into withdrawal.

I still experience those thoughts from time to time, but their intensity is much lower and not everyday but like you I still have a wall inside me, I didn't lower my guard fully. Do I still get mad? Yes, I hated Valentine's Day, I bought cards for the kids and just looking at those cards for husband and their messages, it triggered a huge "hatred" and sadness in me, I didn't buy any for him or even wished him a happy St Valentine. I was a mess that day. I was glad he has a very busy schedule that day and came back late because I was ready to explode and tell him what was going through my mind. He got me flowers... the first ones in many years for that day.

Detaching is not only during the "replay phase" but also after. Most probably, your husband is now in the depression/withdrawal phase, so he is trying to figure out what happened and why. He has a lot of work to do on himself, only after he is done with it he will be ready to talk with you and express remorse. Now the best he can do, is showing you that he cares for you through his actions, and sincerely words are nice but actions are much better, remember they "promised and talked" a lot to OW but they were only words, they never implemented anything with them. They are with us. Men are not creatures of words like us women, they are more into actions, they show they care though gestures.

My husband is done with the depression/withdrawal phase, it lasted a good 6 months, he is now in the first phase of the "awakening". I can tell he is more "relaxed" by his body language.

Stay patient, I do understand and share your worries about rug sweeping, I have that in my mind too. We are in a journey, a long one. Trying to shortcut that journey will only set us back. Do we have to lower our expectations? Certainly not, but some conversations cannot be done if the timing is not right.