So we have come up with an agreement. Neither of us make out in this situation. Just the divorce attorneys. It's a very expensive process and I truly wish things went differently.
I realized today, my ex is not the villain I made him out to be. Just someone that is flawed. And I am flawed, but in a different way.
He basically managed his life and his issues secretly. By doing so he said He wanted to avoid fighting. I wanted to manage our lives openly and by working as a team. But I can honestly say my criticism and resentment and self righteousness would never have made me the best team mate either.
When he left me, he once again left with secrets. I responded with full on paranoia and anxiety. I was the worst divorce buster ever. Had I implemented the advice differently, could I have saved my marriage? Quite possibly. (I still have no evidence of cheating.mbased on what I found out, there is a good chance there was no cheating.). but I was too angry at him. I just couldn't get past that anger.
If he had been more transparent and communicated better from the beginning I would have trusted more as well. Really, if he had just been more vulnerable with me I would not have felt the need for constant bickering.
Today Things ended kind of amicably. I think we will be fine as coparents.
I was not an easy person to deal with. I am embarassed by how I was in our relationship. He was not either though. I Really really wish I could go back knowing what I know now. I still love him. I worry about him. I fear bad things will happen to him but at the same time don't want him to be happy without me. There are parts of our relationship i do miss. It wasn't all bad. But things were bad for so long,mits hard to remember it was good at some points. And he's the one that left.
