Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 9

[PsySara]

Skyhigh,
I think the true battle is wrestling with my resentment when the time is quiet and I fond my mind wandering. I have to remind myself of the end goal, a strong and functional marriage. I am seeing ACTIONS from WH that show he has plugged into this marriage. He gazes at me a lot, touches me gently, verbalizes his appreciation for my kindness and softness towards him. He not only does stuff around the house for me but also is pre-emptive now which utterly unlike our past interactions before BD. But something inside me wiggles uncomfortably, like a canker sore that you keep touching with your tongue. I know rationally if I stop bothering it, it would heal, but I drift back to touching on something painful. Why do I do this? I keep fantasizing about him coming to me and telling me how I am the love of his life, that OW couldn't hold a candle to me, and not the least but how sorry sorry sorry he is. Michelle said so herself in one of her videos, "You (WS) can't say sorry enough." But historically when I've approached this it went down in a flaming heap. So I just...poke...poke...poke.

2016,
There are very opposing POV with regards to exposure. Part of me feels if I had exposed OW to her parents sooner then the relationship would not have rekindled later. Ironically when I exposed OW to her parents, went dark my WH came crawling back and promised we could try again. Three days later he and OW were sleeping together again. I was unaware and thought WH was just going through withdrawals and that's why he was so cut off and cold towards me. He actually told OW not to worry about me because he thought our R was over. I sometimes still fantasize about writing her parents another letter letting them know their daughter slept with a married man after she promised them and me she would never go near my H again. Why? Sheer rage and a desire to make her feel some of the heartache I still feel. But it would likely just cause my WH to pull back and lack trust in me again, I have a bit of an anger issue. I know with certainty I should not have exposed my WH to his parents, that was a horrible mistake. He now has next to no relationship with his parents (because his mother always screams at him..not about the affair but because she wants more money from him) and they blame me for WH being so distant.

So things continue to go smoothly with WH. He is gentle and polite, kind and playful with me. But I have this wall that I can't cross over, one that I put in place. I am hoping that WH is not rug sweeping. I have made myself appealing and definitely somebody he doesn't want to lose. But I grow sad lately, thinking how I probably won't ever think I am the love of his life. If so, he would not have cheated on me. I want to cry when the thoughts intrude about him proposing to her, of having sex with her, of planning a future together. It's like there is this little devil on my shoulder whispering how many ways WH hurt me. While he's not hurting me now it like's there is some infected wound needing purging. I would really like some vets here to weigh in on this; when is it right to lay out to your spouse what is necessary to recover from infidelity? Will it be possible given WH is the King of Avoiding conflict?