Same Sitch. New Approach. Motivated. Feeling Good.

[Chris73]

I think had I chosen to do this instead of pursue and snoop early enough we probably would have avoided physical separation

I'm with you 100% man. I was a snooping maniac for quite a while after the A was revealed. Eventually my W got tired of it and pulled further away. The information I got from snooping was circumstantial and certainly didn't make me feel any better. Information and trust are two different things.

I swore off ALL snooping only a few weeks ago. There wasn't much left to snoop, my W changed all her pwds. But I was still doing things like looking in her purse, looking through her closets and jewelry drawers, and being all consumed with where she was when she wasn't home. I still catch myself doing these things and try to stop immediately.

You've noticed a difference in her mood? How does this show in her actions?

Little things. The hostile environment in the house has been totally defused. She smiles at me more. Her tone of voice has changed on the phone. We always say good night to each other. She has been sharing more with me about what she's up to when she goes out. She's been doing more things for me than before. One night I came home a little earlier than she expected and she and the kids had started dinner late and were still sitting at the table. Without me asking she got up and fixed me a plate. Again, it's all little things, but they add up. If you consider the "emotional bank account" theory, small gestures hold just as much weight as large ones. And perhaps small gestures are better because you can do them more frequently.

How does your change in behavior affect your mood (independent of your W)?

This is the biggest change. Way more than the dynamic between the two of us. Putting our problems on the shelf lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. I still experience bouts of melancholy related to my sitch (Valentine's Day night was a good example), but generally my mood has evened out and I typically have a skip in my step. Time will tell how long this will last, but I'm going with it for now. Enjoying what I have instead of stressing over what I've lost and/or might never get back.