Just keep plugging along

[cbtdad]

Thank you so much for the response. I really appreciate you going back and taking the time to look at my old posts.
You hit the nail on the head on the things I thought were wrong the first time around. I was all of those things. I really worked hard to change those things. At the time 4 years ago she had said I wasn't a good provider, was a terrible father and was not "friends" with her. That was the one and only counseling session we had and I really worked hard on those things.
I am a great provider, she doesn't have to worry about that.
She admits I am fantastic father now. And we laugh and still have fun and do things together now.
But............there was always something deeper. There was something below the surface I didn't realize. Why was I trying to control her? Why was I constantly snooping and having trust issues? Why wasn't I being supportive to her with her wanting to have a career as a paramedic? Why was I putting her down and insulting her? Why was I always so manipulative?
So when the second BD came I knew I had to really look inward at me. I came across a book by Patricia Evans called, "The Verbally Abusive Man: Can He Change?"
Wow! It was like a slap in my face. This was me. This was who I was and I didn't even realize the things I was doing and the way I was controlling or attempting to control her.
It was scary reading this book. I've now read it 3 times.

You are so right when you say "trying to fit a square peg in a round hole"
That's what I have been doing. Not on purpose. But I realize that.
I know I have made a lot of progress and she admitted it at times. But she thinks it is all a façade now. I even told her that just because I do these things less now doesn't make it alright. I understand that.
She has changed a lot. She admits that. She has changed into someone I am not sure I want to spend the rest of my life with. That makes this really hard. I go back and forth in my head non stop about that. I know that's why these changes have to be for me and I need to just let it play out. Not try and control the outcome. I have zero control of the outcome. I need to realize that.
The 10 year things was something she said. She said it as we were going to pick up our son after counseling. She said, "just because we may be ready to file when I am done with school, can we wait till the end of October? So we can say we made it 10 years"
This was also after she said she was going to ask me to move out at the end of April.
I am trying not to pay attention to any of that.

My goals I have now are for me. Not for saving my marriage. They are goals I put together so that I can focus on myself