Thanks Dawn and Sotto. I appreciate you stopping by...I love having guests:)

Sotto, I have thought a great deal about whether or not I do or don't feel a certain way about NG. I appreciate you calling out what I wondered for several months-am I ambivalent about him? Or am I ambivalent about Rs in general? He is wonderful. We have a great time together and I do love him. However, I am not sure if it is timing or if it is me, but I really don't think it's him. I think I feel ambivalent about relationships in general. I believe in love and marriage very much. However, there is a part of me that genuinely wonders at this point what does being in a relationship really mean to me at this point? Something really switched in me the last couple of years. I do discuss this with NG. I don't know if I want to get married again. I did that and I loved being married. However, I'm not so sure I want to do that again.

I'm going to sound like one of "those people" right now. I cannot change our society-I can only behave what matches my beliefs. However, it seems like most people think "until death do us part" means "Until I don't want to." And now I realize, that is fine. Really. We all have choices and the only guarantees in life are death and taxes:) There is a part of me that wonders "why bother?" I know that sounds very jaded, however, I see it everyday. So there is a part of me that sincerely wonders why people want to commit? People talk about how awful divorce is yet many peeps keep doing it. NG has been married twice and his first marriage last a little over a year. What I have right now is what I loved.....15 or 20 years ago. Now, having someone say that I am what they want and have been looking for feels.....somewhat meaningless? I mean, I did this twice before with my xh and xb of 7 years. Some days I experience deja vu and think "and I should do this again because.....?" I have no idea if that makes sense. It really is me. Sometimes I like parts of the newly refurbished GB and sometimes I liked the old one better. I wish I felt different but I swear my feelings aren't directed at him. He is however, the recipient of those feelings sometimes. It is me. There are moments with NG and I think "this is what I always wanted" and then something happens and I think "eh.Nope."

Sorry for that lengthy dissertation. In regards to xh, I do get sad. We shared such a bond that I won't have with anyone else. However, I have zero desire to revisit that as being with him was very draining. And I bet that feeling is mutual. I do wish him peace and happiness-something I did not wish him last year. And we get along well. Friendly yet a bit stifled at times. That may subside over more time.

I cried as I wrote this but I have to dust myself up for a brainstorming session. Sorry to be a downer. On a happy note, I got myself a new hammock:) It's going to be 78 here this weekend.

Love to you all.



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer