Same Sitch. New Approach. Motivated. Feeling Good.

[Chris73]

PacLove. Glad to hear that your sitch is improving. It's really tough work we're doing. For me, putting our problems on a shelf and focusing on reconnecting has been the best thing I've ever done. I can't say that I'm fully detached, my thoughts and behaviors are still emotionally attached to the where/what/why of my W's behaviors. But I'm getting better.

In my particular situation, detaching doesn't necessarily equate to disconnecting or going dark. My W and I still live together, at first I chose to see that as a burden, the constant reminder of everything I had lost. This made me bitter and resentful. So I pulled back, kept my contact and conversations with her to a minimum, and made an effort to ensure that we rarely occupied the same space in the house when the kids weren't around. The problem with this is that from my W's perspective it was just "more of the same" behavior from me that she had been putting up with for years.

Once the holidays were over I did a lot of soul searching and decided to see the "separated but still living together" situation as an advantage. Many of the things I'm doing these days to try to reconnect with my W would be impossible if we were physically separated. And I've noticed a difference in her mood in just a couple of weeks.

We may never reconcile, but it won't be for a lack of trying on my part. And regardless of what happens we have to be nice to each other for the sake of our kids. So that's enough incentive for me right now.