Hey everyone. I promised to give an update so here it is:
The past few months have been a rollercoaster. Leading into the Holidays, I was starting to get a hang of detaching and talking to a DB counselor. I was trying to get the hang of "lovingly" detaching (still am).
Anyways, at this time I was detaching with some success BUT still snooping. I found my wife being extremely friendly, as I tried to validate engage when talked to, but still keep her a bit at a distance. With all this said, I began to see my situation from a neutral perspective without emotion. I began to see the possibilities of a life without my wife - and I began to see she was not the person I thought.
This mindset of mine continued for several weeks until a week before xmas. It is here where I started to cave. I was getting caught up in her friendliness and giving my kids one last great xmas as a family. I didn't pursue, but I did start to engage in talks of the future and do things with her and make plans around her again. Sounds great until I snooped and found her declaring her devotion to OM and that she would always love him more than anything no matter how little they could be together or see each other. Boom reality check.
Her attitude continued positive until we went to her sisters for the week of xmas. She lives in NC and the minute we got there, she shut down. Didn't engage with any family activities all week. And I was reminded of the self absorbed person my wife has become. She literally missed out on all the big things small things that make spending time with your family specia - so she could surf the internet and needlessly check in at work.
We work a lot - and the fact she could care less with a sacred week off to spend time with her family is mind boggling to me. This angers me more than our own broken relationship - that she is literally throwing away and refusing to engage in special moments that you can never get back with your children. What kind of mother does this??? Needless to say I was smacked in the face with the reality that things were not getting better and probably weren't.
After the new year things have gone south fast. I have found myself on a rollercoaster. From being loving and positive but detached - to cold and distant. I know it's bad but I can't seem to keep my mood straight. My wife noticed and stared to ask me what the hell is wrong with me, and in more aggressive terms: you better watch your atttitude or else. I react very distant with these confrontations. Usually with a "nothing's wrong" or an "ok".
So the latest twist. During one of my cold and distant days, my wife brought up the possibility of me being able to sleep in our bed again (yes, she feels completely in the right to not let me sleep there - says I snore and that she can't sleep with other people in bed.). My reactions was uninterested. To this she asked me flat out and very matter of fact with no emotion: "are you planning to leave me?" She asked in a way that she almost wanted me to say yes. She caught me off guard and I think I gave the worst answer I could have possibly given. I said "no I don't want to. Where would I go?" I feel I missed a good opportunity to address the affair here with a dumb answer that made me look pathetic and needy. She has since that encounter almost completely shut down. I really feel I lost traction and am reeling. I have no momentum...
I am feeling some of the benefits of detaching, working on my life and self esteem a bit more, but living with my wife with two kids to care for - is making it very hard to be consistent with my actions. I feel this has been my biggest downfall. For both the hope of my relationship and my own well-being. Help.
