Hi girls, thank you so much for the vote of confidence. It is amazing what this board does to me. I feel so much stronger when I post here.
It's because people like you that this world is not a complete hell. Vivaaaa!!!!
Coly, I see you are knew to the board. I came to realize that it doesn't really matter if we are new or old, what matter is how we use this time to grow ourselves, to improve in areas that we think we can do better, explore our choices to see if we have what is better for us and not just accepting the old because we fear the unknown.
I am very slow in moving forward (in my opinion at least) but every time I move I feel more solid in my believes and my strengths.
Rouky - It is not easy to go dark with my XH. He shows up unannounced, he text with a question. He travels a lot what makes it easier during the week. But as soon as he is in town, it is always a possibility that he will be around.
I tried the whole dark thing, but it does not work well. In order for me to do that, I would need to get paranoid trying to figured it out all his moves, and I won't do that. It is more headache then just let it be.
Besides, XH and I are very good friends. We can sit drinking a cup of tee (or 2,3,4, many cups of tee, Haha) and talk until 2 or 3am. Sometimes is hard to understand even why we are divorced.
Well, here is the next chapter of my soap opera:
My church did a Valentine's Dinner and they made sure to make it a friendship party. Couples and singles were invited.
On Friday 2/10 we got together to decorate the place. When I got there, the first person I saw was XH. I tough he wouldn't be there, but no big deal.
I said hi with a hug and kiss on the chic, he was very nice and had a smile. I got myself busy and he was around talking about his work and all what is going on. I just talk and was as I had been my whole life with him, very supportive and reinforcing that he is very good at what he does.
The night went smooth and we smiled to each other, we talked and had fun decorating the place.
On Saturday I spent literally all day getting ready for the party. Did my hair, nails, make up and put on a very nice long dress (with lace like I love). For the guys that are reading this and thinking I am crazy, just know that I am not, I am a girl and I love it.
When I showed up at the dinner, he was helping the church. He looked at me and I am sure he tough I was gorgeous (his reaction made me feel good). I said hi and of course we hugged and kissed on the chic as usual and he said that I was looking really, really beautiful. I said he was very handsome too and walked away to meet some friends that were waiting for me.
During some time XH was working and I was enjoying my friends. Then he came and put a chair right by my side. He was talking to our friends and then mention that my dress was kind of deep purple and that I used do not like that color. I told him that the wounds that were involved with that color are in the past now and that I was feeling good. He did not say anything, just looked deep inside my eyes.
Oh, by the way. We still talk with our eyes. There are many situations that we just look at each other and we know what we are saying. Amazing as it is, it still happen.
Then he left and came back about three times. At some point, the Pastor said that they had some gifts that we could purchase to give to our Valentine, and again he repeated that it was a friendship gift and it was not meant to be just for couples.
I bought a tiny bear and an artificial rose to my friend and bought a tiny bear, a little box of chocolate and a balloon for XH (he didn't know for who I bought that).
The Pastor said that there would be line for the guys and a line for the girls to give the gifts. Many couples walked to each other and I was at the end of the line. When it was my turn, there was no one in the other side.
I got the microphone and then XH started walking towards me to meet me in the line. The church was one sound - Oooohhhhhhh!!! and then they clap with happiness.
Well, it took me by surprise, but I kept myself in one piece and then said that life has it's mysteries. That last year I had many situations that XH was there to help out, that when I had surgery he took good care after me and that he was very kind and even gave me a XMas gift that was adorable.
And all that just show me that he is my dear and good friend and that I want to value that friendship giving him the gifts. Then I gave it to him. Chan...chan...chan...channnnn
Then XH gets the microphone and says that like everyone know he is not married to Pink here but he is still married in another country. That since last year during a party together, that he said he loves Pink and that he still does. And then turned to me and said: Pink, I love you. I love you with all my heart. You are the best person I know, you are the best woman I know and I love you.
*** You can only image the Hurray movement. Everyone were clapping and even crying. XH gave me a little pink dog and a real flower (just one, the way I like it).
Then we hugged and a kiss on the chic and even a little kiss on the lips. Oh well, you think that now we are walking to reconciliation ah???
The rest of the night we sat together, we talked about things from the night, people, food, what was going on.
Then I messed up... big time I guess... I said to him that we need to talk, talk about us. I said to him that I would like if we can talk sometimes away from the times that he goes to the house to pick up or drop off the kids. That I always feel like he is just using the opportunity but that I would like to feel that it is something important for him and for me as well.
He just said: Yes, I agree.
Then we walked to have a Valentine's picture. Which came out super nice. We left together and I gave him a quick ride to his car that was parked a little far from the church.
We talked about someone from his work that had a bad car accident and then we left. He drove behind me, beside me, like teenagers after first kiss driving in a highway.
Sunday came and he was at the morning service, he was nice, very polite. To the point that is kind of unusual. He runs to open the door for me. He paid my ice cream at the end of the service and I said he didn't need to do that. He paid anyway and I said I would pay him back later. Then he asked if I would go to one of the kid's BDay party. I said I would go home to get a warmer coat and go to the party, he said see you then.
When I got to the party he was there. I said hi and gave him the money from the ice cream. He said I didn't need to pay him back and that he could at least pay for my ice cream. I gave him the money anyway.
He was talking to some guys and I was chatting with some ladies. The whole time we were apart, we just looked at each other sometimes. Towards the end we end up leaving at the same time.
We walked together to my car and I said good buy, have a good trip. Then he was walking away and I "of course" messed up again, this time even bigger mess.
I called him and then asked why he did that. Why he says these things that he loves me, that I am this or that and then give me a cold shoulder like nothing happen.
He said that it is the way he feels, that he has been consistent in what he is saying to me. That he wants to be my real friend, and have a deep friendship with me.
I said that I am his friend, that we talk, he is welcome at my house, that we normally help each other, and that I am already his friend, so why he insist that he wants to be my friend? For sure he is not even close to be my enemy.
He looked at me and said that I still don't understand, that he will continue pray to God that one day I will understand it.
I said that if I don't understand, why he doesn't explain to me. That I feel he is toying with me. He said that he is not and I know him very well to say something like that. That he doesn't want to hurt me more then he already did. That he never changed his position and is still saying the same thing.
I got upset, said to him that I just don't get it. Why we can't sit down and talk about us like two adults. Instead, I need to get all the crumbles that fall on the ground and have some kind of understand that he doesn't love me, that he is just too polite to make suffer.
And then I left without a word to end the conversation. I got in my car, punched the door and left singing my tires. Somehow he caught up to me in a highway and was driving right on my back. He got close and drove by my side right before he needed to get his exit.
As you see. Sometimes I am my worse enemy because I tend to react in a negative way to everything that happen. I need to find the silver line that I will talk to him feeling that he loves me and feel secure that there is nothing wrong with me.
But instead, I always feel that he doesn't love me, that he does not care about me. I think it is time to work on my own issues about rejection and betrayal. I can be a barrier with him and with any other person in my life.
So, what do you think? All advices are welcome.
And by the way, I still don't get the whole "real" friendship or "deep" friendship. Does anybody knows what that means in our context? How do I need to behave if I am his friend (well, I tough I am his friend), but now I am confused.
