First time here

[RDS]

Yesterday was so painful with flowers and candy everywhere you look, but so thankful to have found this online community. I only slept about 4 hours last night because I could not stop reading the posts on here. It's like I stepped into a warm, inviting room full of hurting people just like me.

I made the mistake of going onto FB first thing yesterday morning. I knew it was Valentines day, but I wasn't thinking of it then. It seemed like I was the only one who wasn't celebrating. I don't post anything on FB about my M status so I didn't want to be the one person who posts anything along the lines of the day sucking and then everyone bombarding me with posts asking me is wrong.

[leahsue]

Six hours later, and I'm still reading on this forum. SO much comfort here.
I'm seeing (I think) that many more people are reading my thread than are replying. That may be very normal- I guess I was just hoping for some thoughts, insights, advice on my situation. As I read other threads, I'm so encouraged by the specific, although at times I'm sure painful, advice that people give in specific situations- I think that would be so helpful to get perspective from people who aren't emotionally involved in your personal situation but can see clearly mistakes you may be about to make.
I have made all the bad decisions and broken all of Sandi's rules in the last 6 weeks, but at least for the last 4 days I feel good about my behavior. Since we live 1000 miles apart, it's harder to go dark except to not contact H at all. He called yesterday and it was the first semi-normal conversation we've had since BD- I know it was largely due to my reaction or rather lack of- to his call. I was pleasant, polite, did not mention our relationship, and got off the phone first. Good first steps, right?

[Dawgs]

I'm seeing (I think) that many more people are reading my thread than are replying. That may be very normal- I guess I was just hoping for some thoughts, insights, advice on my situation. As I read other threads, I'm so encouraged by the specific, although at times I'm sure painful, advice that people give in specific situations- I think that would be so helpful to get perspective from people who aren't emotionally involved in your personal situation but can see clearly mistakes you may be about to make.

I find that posting "advice" helps me more than when I make my own threads. I haven't made one on the newcomer forum, but I may soon. One of the things that you will have to remember is that every one's situation is different. Sure, there are some similarities and commonalities, but you'll find that each is different - and what works for one doesn't necessarily work for others. My situation is an odd one out, due to the abuse my ex suffered, what worked for most on here actually had the opposite effect here...

I have made all the bad decisions and broken all of Sandi's rules in the last 6 weeks, but at least for the last 4 days I feel good about my behavior. Since we live 1000 miles apart, it's harder to go dark except to not contact H at all. He called yesterday and it was the first semi-normal conversation we've had since BD- I know it was largely due to my reaction or rather lack of- to his call. I was pleasant, polite, did not mention our relationship, and got off the phone first. Good first steps, right?

We have all made mistakes. I slipped the other day and I've been divorce for a bit now. Oh well, it is what it is.

Yep, your first baby steps are good ones. Keep on keepin' on.

[Bdog37]

Yesterday was so painful with flowers and candy everywhere you look, but so thankful to have found this online community. I only slept about 4 hours last night because I could not stop reading the posts on here. It's like I stepped into a warm, inviting room full of hurting people just like me.

I got to spend the night with my 2 girls while my WAW went out on a date. Found out from mutual friends who it was and I can't say it didn't hurt to hear...but at least I had my girls.

Sorry for you sitch. Infidelity is always tough when you are the one who has been betrayed. So many emotions come sweeping over you and it is hard to handle at times. Many understand what you are going through so keep reading and posting on here as often as you can. Posting can be a journal and also a way to vent. I was also told after my W's PA that she would do anything to work out our marriage, but within a week she also changed her mind. We can't control how they feel or change their minds. They are on their own journey and need to discover it for themselves. The best thing you can do is to read up on the wonderful material here and work on bettering yourself. That way you will be better off if the MR works out or if it doesn't. Stay strong and keep posting.

[Cristy]

Hello leahsue,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

Little compares to the devastation people feel when they discover their spouse has been unfaithful. Couples often struggle to get past intense emotional pain, mistrust and resentment. Healing from infidelity is possible with the right blueprint for helping you rebuild trust and mend your marriage.

You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy

Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[lt0402]

Leahsue, I'm very sorry you find yourself here. As others have said, this is a great place, but the circumstances that have brought us all here are not great ones. That said, one of the keys to this is to remember that you are not alone. Neither in your suffering nor your situation. Many of us are going through what you are right now. This is a wonderful place to find support and the people here are amazing.

The key for you is finding your balance. I know that in the beginning it seems surreal and never ending. Almost like you're drowning in a deep dark ocean. It's tough to get your bearings or even find 20 minutes of peace. I've been where you are and I know how tough it can be. Your whole focus right now needs to be on minimizing the emotional ups and downs and finding a balance.

Easier said than done, I know. But it has to be done. You can't worry about what your husband is doing, what may or may not happen in the future, etc. you just need to focus on the here and now and yourself. You sound like a highly motivated and driven lady. What are your hobbies? Do you exercise regularly? How often do you see friends? You said you're seeing a counselor. That's awesome! I hope you're finding that to be helpful as well.

What are your goals right now? How are you going to focus on you? Have you really, truly dug into your M and figured out what issues you contributed to its breakdown? What are your goals to fix those things? Your goals should be focused on you and I think defining them gives you a good starting point to both take your mind off things and also to begin the hard work of driving positive change for yourself. What better time to start than now!

LeahSue, we are here to support you. You may not believe this now, but you will be ok. Start working on you and this will become much more clear as time passes. Hang in there and keep journaling here and in others posts.

[010207]

Hi leahsue, I'm sorry you are here.

What are you doing for yourself? It's time to take care of you and focus on what is going to make you happy outside of H.

I know you miss your H, I understand that completely. You can not control what is going on with him, but you can start to take control of what's happening with you. GAL. This has been extremely helpful to me.

Like everyone else is saying, keep reading and posting here. I think you will find it helpful to share with people who truly understand what you are going through. You are not alone.

[Dawgs]

Easier said than done, I know. But it has to be done. You can't worry about what your husband is doing, what may or may not happen in the future, etc. you just need to focus on the here and now and yourself. You sound like a highly motivated and driven lady. What are your hobbies? Do you exercise regularly? How often do you see friends? You said you're seeing a counselor. That's awesome! I hope you're finding that to be helpful as well.

I like this. Hobbies can be a life saver.

Don't look at his road - watch your own. If you look closely enough, you'll see it is paved with gold. Own it.

[Chris73]

Hi leahsue.

I'm sorry that you're here and hurting. These boards are like a double-edged sword. Never in your life would you have wanted to be posting on here, and yet there's so much insight to be absorbed through all the posts, not just for marriage advice but self-help too.

I made all the normal mistakes when I found out about my wife's A and didn't start putting some of the tips I've learned here into action until 5 months later. I wish I had come here sooner, things might be different now.

Your story reminds me of mine in a lot of ways. If you substitute two children for your H's demanding career and the business you've been trying to run, it sounds like the same progression that led my W and me to where we are now. In the simplest terms, we didn't put any effort into keeping our connection to each other strong. Schedules conflicted, priorities got shifted.

My mistake was that I took my marriage for granted and just assumed that we would always have a core connection to each other and would get back to our marriage when things "died down a bit". But over the past 9 months I've learned 2 things:

1. You can never maintain a core connection to your partner if you don't nurture it on a regular basis.

2. Life never "dies down".

So we grew apart without me even realizing it. I turned inward and spent all my free time on my own hobbies. She turned outward and found an emotional connection with another man. Only recently have I started to understand that both of these were a betrayal to the marriage.

Everyone's advice on your post so far is spot on. Focus on yourself. Don't let your fears and insecurities about your marriage and your H's behavior paralyze or stagnate you. Get on with getting on. Make some time to distract yourself from the situation: friends, family, hobbies, exercise, etc. But also make some time to figure out what YOU did to get to this point and start working on fixing it. Therapy, meditation, religion, self-help, and these boards can definitely help with that. But try to find a balance - you can't JUST disconnect and distract yourself all the time, nor can you spend all your time thinking about fixing your issues.

Whenever you're in contact with your H always keep in mind that trying to address the problems in your marriage when you are both hurting and emotionally disconnected will only make matters worse. This is one of the reasons why so many people will say that marriage counseling doesn't work. Steven Covey says, "You can't talk your way out of a situation you behaved yourself into."

Instead, try your best to keep things light. Inevitably you will have to talk to your H about logistical things related to the family and the business, but try to find opportunities to share a few moments that foster some kind of connection between the two of you. In my case, my W ALWAYS laughs at my jokes so I have an easy in. Once or twice a week I try to call her in the middle of the day, if she answers I go right into the joke, wait for her to (hopefully) laugh and then say, "Ok, goodbye" and probably leaving her totally perplexed about why I called.

Please understand that this approach will not work for everyone, but it's resonating with me more than any other approach I've tried so far, so I'm going to keep at it. In a nutshell, I'm taking action right NOW to be a better husband. I don't need my W's help with this I can do it alone. My hope is that my changes inspire something in her which lead to us trying to piece the M back together. But if they don't, I'm still better off than I was and I'm getting real-world practice for my next relationship.

I hope this helps. And keep posting, even if it's just to journal your thoughts and not ask for advice. It always helps and it keeps your thread on the first page for more people to notice.

[leahsue]

Thanks everyone for all the replies!
Looking back to Valentine's Day, in retrospect, it was the best day of the week. I had dreaded it for so long, but so many people got in touch with me, plus I found this forum, that I found myself busy all day. The last two days have been awful, for no obvious reason. All I've wanted to do is go introvert, sleep, and nothing else, even though the weather has been so spring-like, I've not even gone outside. I hate this version of me.
People on here ask- what are my hobbies? I think I've lost sight of what I even like to do anymore. I think of trying to get out and meet people and do more, but I feel stuck in the effort of starting or knowing where to start. I'm not exercising and I know that's a big one.
Since I'm not doing the business anymore, I need to get a job, of course for money, but also to get out of the house. I look at job openings, and I just get tired again. I used to be such a great special education teacher and my life had so much meaning, and although I don't want to come out of retirement into public education again, I may need to get back into the field somehow. Sorry to sound so down today, but I am being honest. Today I don't even care WHAT H is doing, and that's a little scary.