Thanks for your words. You are wise beyond your years girl. I actually envy your strength. Sometimes I feel like I can tackle the world and then I feel like I can do nothing and have no direction.
Maybe I also have my own rollercoaster?? There is a very big truth in all this and that is I allow so much of all this to affect me.
I did some soul searching and found: 1. Detachment - I have "0" detachment at the moment. What I do is to get away in order to protect myself and then fall back into the game because I am still attached and everything pulls me back.
2. Owning my life - kind of do and kind of don't. I feel like I have a weight connect to my foot and I am dragging that around. I am not alone and can't just take any dramatic decision just now. I am in a waiting mode and it is killing me. I say waiting because my kids (young men) need help, they are not doing well right now. And my youngest one wants to finish high school at the one he is attending.
3. Life is busy - the days goes fast and I just have so much to do all the time. It is not different then when I was married, but now I would like to have some free time and I do not have it. Have my priorities disorganized.
4. Biting the bait - this one is big for me. Lately, I feel actually ashamed for falling into the pit all the time. I can see what I do, and yet I keep doing it like an idiot.
5. Hate, disappointment, hurts, wounds, fear, uncertainty, jealousy, love, anger... - I notice that my feelings are bigger then my reason for the most part of my day. Maybe it is another phase and I am still working on all what happen. But this give me a feeling of failure too, like I need to be all good by now and feel I am walking like a turtle.
So, being honest I have a lot of work to do on myself and I think I am my worse enemy when it comes to healing. I have constant contact with my XH and it is not being very healthy for my own good.
I am glad that I can read some things here in the board and get myself back into some reality. It's hard to believe that some people will be playing with someone's else feelings, but in this board we read so much wrong behaviors from partners that don't really care about anybody else, but themselves, that I better believe that sometimes it is the way and there is no other excuse.
I am tired of feeling this way. I am tired of this whole situation and I am ashamed I have been in the same spot since 2014. I realized that I am losing some of my life because I keep attached to some ghost R from the past.
I started organizing my head and I am deciding to take the decision to love me a little more. One thing that bothers me the most is that I am feeling disrespected and I do not like it. Even worse is that I am the one disrespecting myself as a person. It is time to step back and look inside myself and organize my plans to move forward.
It sounds cliché, but that is the way I see my life right now. That no one will change it for me. I need to do this for myself and feel some pride again. I don't even mean to feel an arrogant pride, but feel my independency, my wholeness.
I have a women's seminar schedule for 4/21 to 4/23 - it is called Women in the Battle. It's Christian based seminar and it is supposed to deal with all what is in my life for so many years. I am hoping to get my pieces together and this way to focus on what is needed to be in my next step in this life. Then, when going to the seminar, I may have more specifics for what I need help and get a better direction.
It's even funny that after all this it comes to my realization what I knew all along. That our happiness is not about someone, something or somewhere. It is about us and what we do to ourselves. It is about what we decide and how we decide to go about it.
If we don't step into our own shoes, we can't walk the road.
I will report soon the latest that made come to this conclusion.
Love you with all my heart, and thank you to this board that is really my only support when all the other doors are closed.
