Her MLC: The Battle I Didn't Choose

[Brubeck]

Gordie,

Thanks for asking, brother. I appreciate it. Plenty happens with a live-in MLCer, but I stopped posting for many reasons. I was just too tired, and I knew 2x4s are used around here, but the 2x4s I was receiving from ericsmant2, Mach1 and (I think) CaliGuy I didn't understand. I just didn't get what they were trying to say. I get it now, but it's still hard for me. Detaching and GALing requires massive application on my part - but it does pay off when I do it.

I never stopped lurking here at DB. I've been reading threads the entire time. It's comforting. Many of my friends don't understand MLC. Some don't ask about my W anymore, I understand they're sick of hearing about it, and I need to detach and get on with other things - which I enjoy when I focus on it. The one friend who still listens to me processing with my W's MLC stuff has dealt a great deal with bi-polar disorder, which MLC looks like sometimes, so she understands.

I lost my job at the end of December. The company that bought us out had offices in states with lower overhead costs. Chicago is expensive. The president called me personally to tell me he was closing our office. I was given 30 days notice and a small severance. He thanked me for being a solid Operations Manager and said he was satisfied with how I ran the office. It was just a money thing for him. I admit I almost laughed after I got the call. This came at the end of the worst year of my life. Dealing with a year of MLC and watching my life blow up in front of me.

I've been looking for a new job since the New Year. I had two phone interviews for positions right up my alley and was passed over for both. I was told both times that I was qualified but they found candidates with experience more specific to the position. I don't think I projected enough confidence. I didn't do any chest-beating, I stuck to the facts and showcased a lot of my know-how and detailed information about the specifics of my industry. I think for future interviews I'll need to do a little more general boasting about my ability to handle anything, etc. Someone told me not to focus on details unless they ask. The details are in my resume.

I admit I don't know what I want to do. I am looking for something in the exact same role as before, but what kept me at my company for 21 years was the environment. I loved the people and that made the work great. Competency and kindness were not mutually exclusive.

Part of me is saying "just find something in your industry that pays enough to handle all the bills!" The other part of me is asking "What do you really want to do?" With a stay-at-home wife, 3 boys, a mortgage and a D and child support payments coming up, I don't feel I have the option to ask the big question. I know I'd like to work with good people in a positive environment, more than anything else.

I submit 2 or 3 resumes a day, but my heart is not in this job search. I want to work, I want the bills paid, but I don't know what I want to do. I don't want to be at home all day.

Funny thing is, W has not asked me ONCE about our budget since I was given 30 days notice. She has not started any conversation about how to handle our financial situation. She's also not informing me about school stuff with the kids, I am finding things out through a school app. I don't know if she's excluding me on purpose or if her MLC amnesia is at work.

W is getting worse in slow increments. I remember reading MLC checklists about a year ago and finding she only fit a quarter of them. Now that list is more than half. The same problems persist for her - memory lapses, insomnia, short temper, starving herself then binge-eating, wasting money (her account, not mine), cell phone addiction, and so on. She's also losing some hair and getting acne on her back and neck.

The freakiest thing to emerge is the paranoia. I NEVER thought this would happen too. Based on nothing more than unopened pieces of mail, my W thinks I am now hiding or funneling money from her. The scariest part is, she's reporting some of this crap to her lawyer. She also thinks I'm hiding my severance pay from her. I never mentioned my severance pay. She just assumed I got one. She's right, and it's been sitting there all along in our joint account since December 30th. She's never bothered to look.

She tells me she's convinced that I am trying to screw her over financially one-last-time before the D is final. I asked if she knew what dissipation was. She didn't. I explain it's when you suspiciously move money around during a D, and that ANYTHING I do could be considered dissipation. She called me a "f**king idiot" (in front of the boys) and said I am just ignoring my lawyer and taking advice from my mother or someone else who "doesn't trust technology". I try to listen and validate, but I am not going to apologize or defend her crazy accusations. She ran out of steam and left the room waving both of her middle fingers at me, saying "I've hated you for years".

One thing I've learned (here and elsewhere) was about learning not to worry. Live in the moment. Getting anxious about the future only robs me of the moment. I have to work at it with chanting, but I am getting better at turning off my brain at night.

I will post more later. Had to puke all that out of my brain. Sorry for the length.