My response to her was something like "It was too bad that you never really complained about that before, when I could actually do something about it.
You know, I said almost the same thing. It's funny how they want to try to turn things around in order to justify themselves.
Quote:
And never thought I needed to read the books I was given, because she seemed happy with me. Boy was I wrong.
Right there with you. While my ex wasn't my first love, she was my biggest. It's funny how they "seemed" happy. Mine played that game for years and never let on.
Quote:
I have wanted to go to IC, even years ago when my wife was asking me to go for anxiety, but my job requires a security clearance, and they want to know when you see people for mental health. I haven't wanted to lose my job on top of losing my wife. And when we didn't seem to be in danger in the marriage, I just didn't want to lose the job, but I know that a man without a job is also a very unattractive thing to a woman. So, I knew that it wasn't just risking the job, either. It was also risking her. They shouldn't care about people seeing a mental health therapist for just anxiety and depression, but I don't know that they don't care. And then there's the risk that the therapist will say you have something else that's scarier, whether you do or not. It's putting a lot of trust in your therapist.
Ah, the security clearance. Know it well. Both the ex and I have those clearances - and top secret at that. My ex, however, being active duty has seen enough base "counselors" that she knows how to beat them, period. She's very, very good. In her words, she has been to enough and seen so many that they can't help her any more. And yes, her stuff is in her records - I won't go into that, but ALL of it is there.
Quote:
And then there's the risk that the therapist will say you have something else that's scarier, whether you do or not. It's putting a lot of trust in your therapist.
True. Maybe look for ones who are family therapist, not mental help ones.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Yeah. I was considering going to the guy we saw for MC. We liked him pretty good, although he was very full of psychobabble. He seemed to know his stuff and seemed to actually do things that were helpful, in that one session we went to. His specialty is MC, but he is a psychologist and could diagnose me with anything.
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
I'd look for another. Interview them and find a family therapist you like.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
That would be the benefit of just seeing someone that counsels people, as you said. I just wouldn't know who to go to, and if I did go to them, if I my wife would consider that they "counted" as actual help, since they don't have psychology degrees. Examples might be ministers, someone like MWD and her staff, etc. But I'm not sure who I could see for anxiety and depression that could actually help, that didn't have a psychology background. I do not want medication, though. I do not think I need it, and my dad and wife have been very against it, as have I.
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
That would be the benefit of just seeing someone that counsels people, as you said. I just wouldn't know who to go to, and if I did go to them, if I my wife would consider that they "counted" as actual help, since they don't have psychology degrees. Examples might be ministers, someone like MWD and her staff, etc. But I'm not sure who I could see for anxiety and depression that could actually help, that didn't have a psychology background. I do not want medication, though. I do not think I need it, and my dad and wife have been very against it, as have I.
That's a tough thing. If you think you need the help for anxiety and depression, then I'd find a good one - there may/may not be forums in your area; I can't recall the website, but there are those that give reviews and testimonials. I'm pretty sure that given your situation and going through divorce, it wouldn't be counted against you to be seen.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
That would be the benefit of just seeing someone that counsels people, as you said. I just wouldn't know who to go to, and if I did go to them, if I my wife would consider that they "counted" as actual help, since they don't have psychology degrees. Examples might be ministers, someone like MWD and her staff, etc. But I'm not sure who I could see for anxiety and depression that could actually help, that didn't have a psychology background. I do not want medication, though. I do not think I need it, and my dad and wife have been very against it, as have I.
Hello WshIKnw,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
Earlier in your thread you mentioned wanting more info on The Last Resort Technique. Please email me directly and I will send you a link that will provide more specific information.I can also send you information regarding the DB Coaches and their backgrounds/qualifications.
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Not pursuing is so hard. I haven't had any contact with W since Monday. Also, today I am very afraid that separation papers are coming. She told me a while back that she would send them last week or this week. At the time, I argued with her that she was rushing -- not giving herself time to change her mind. I would expect her to drop bombs, like separation papers, on Fridays, because it gives me the weekend to recover. I think she's so caught up in an OM fantasy, that she's just rushing things so that she can be with him. I don't know for sure yet, but I feel it so strongly that she is seeing another man.
Not pursuing is hard because it feels so wrong. I'm going to look through all the DB material to try to better understand when it's appropriate to stop not pursuing. I'd hate for her to be contacting me, and me never contacting her, and for her to feel like I'm not reciprocating -- not trying to make things work. But maybe that's how she is supposed to feel, like I'm moving on. I don't know. I don't want her to be saying to herself, "well, I must have made the right choice, because he's acting like he is okay with it, or doesn't want me." I've been accused a lot of being neglectful, by her. MWD says in the FAQ for the Last Resort Technique that I would want to go more lightly on not pursuing, but I don't really know how lightly to go. It's so hard to know what to do in my situation, because MWD isn't clear, I don't think.
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
But maybe that's how she is supposed to feel, like I'm moving on. I
Because she already has.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Are you telling me there's no chance, that she has moved on?
Look at it like this: First, there is the OM fantasy you speak of (which may entirely be real)...do you think that if someone is even "dreaming" about, much less involved/was involved, another person that you are even a blip on their radar? Or the fact that she's made no attempt? Or...
I'm going to throw this out:
Quote:
I think she's so caught up in an OM fantasy, that she's just rushing things so that she can be with him. I don't know for sure yet, but I feel it so strongly that she is seeing another man.
Gut feelings are more often correct than not. Some won't say this or that its a bad idea, but for peace of mind you may want to hire a PI or something to find out. If she is, then the only radar blip you are is a target.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
