There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
When my wife left, she agreed to go to a MC session. She said she enjoyed it and was glad she went, but then wouldn't go to anymore sessions. I probably screwed up too much by arguing with her (defending myself, mostly). Every time I argued with her after she went cold, every argument turned into this huge firestorm in her that did nothing but fuel her rage, push her away more, and make her want to go through with leaving me. I wish I had known sooner. When things were normal between, if she blew up, she would feel really sorry about it and come crying to me. Not the same dynamic at all now. The blowups are the most intense things I have ever seen, and only seem to result in bad things. The first time she had a major blow up, I hoped she was getting things out of her system -- that it was helping her mellow out. Nope. Hell hath no fury, like a woman scorned. If only I had known what I was doing. But I was a clueless husband.
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
When my wife left, she agreed to go to a MC session. She said she enjoyed it and was glad she went, but then wouldn't go to anymore sessions. I probably screwed up too much by arguing with her (defending myself, mostly). Every time I argued with her after she went cold, every argument turned into this huge firestorm in her that did nothing but fuel her rage, push her away more, and make her want to go through with leaving me. I wish I had known sooner. When things were normal between, if she blew up, she would feel really sorry about it and come crying to me. Not the same dynamic at all now. The blowups are the most intense things I have ever seen, and only seem to result in bad things. The first time she had a major blow up, I hoped she was getting things out of her system -- that it was helping her mellow out. Nope. Hell hath no fury, like a woman scorned. If only I had known what I was doing. But I was a clueless husband.
In the session you had the right to defend yourself - but did you do it attackingly back to her? Mine did the same thing...later on when I did the IC (my IC was also our MC) sessions, she felt the ex blew up like that because of her guilt. Guilt over her affair, etc.
The IC felt that since I didn't follow her end it script and wanted to work on the marriage, the ex blew up, etc... not in the form of yours, except one time.
You'll find that a lot of their actions are like that, especially in this time when the want out but we don't...
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
If she was planning this, it couldn't have extended back further than September or so, because she and I made plans in the summer to start trying to have kids in October.
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
If only I had known what I was doing. But I was a clueless husband.
Forgive me for not knowing, but did your wife suffer abuse? Can't be clueless if you were never let on to things.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
If she was planning this, it couldn't have extended back further than September or so, because she and I made plans in the summer to start trying to have kids in October.
That's true. When was BD again?
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
In the session you had the right to defend yourself - but did you do it attackingly back to her? Mine did the same thing...later on when I did the IC (my IC was also our MC) sessions, she felt the ex blew up like that because of her guilt. Guilt over her affair, etc.
Well, I was talking about defending myself in arguments with her. I'm sure the marriage counselor would have never let her snowball into the tirades she can get into now. When defending myself, I would mostly just refute things she said. The most recent thing I can think of was her complaining that I watched porn. My response to her was something like "It was too bad that you never really complained about that before, when I could actually do something about it. Instead, you just said things like, 'Well, I know all guys do it', which made me feel like it was okay that I did it some." I was a real fool, but I was learning. She's not giving me a chance to learn. She was my first love, man. I don't have much experience. And never thought I needed to read the books I was given, because she seemed happy with me. Boy was I wrong.
I have wanted to go to IC, even years ago when my wife was asking me to go for anxiety, but my job requires a security clearance, and they want to know when you see people for mental health. I haven't wanted to lose my job on top of losing my wife. And when we didn't seem to be in danger in the marriage, I just didn't want to lose the job, but I know that a man without a job is also a very unattractive thing to a woman. So, I knew that it wasn't just risking the job, either. It was also risking her. They shouldn't care about people seeing a mental health therapist for just anxiety and depression, but I don't know that they don't care. And then there's the risk that the therapist will say you have something else that's scarier, whether you do or not. It's putting a lot of trust in your therapist.
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
If only I had known what I was doing. But I was a clueless husband.
Forgive me for not knowing, but did your wife suffer abuse? Can't be clueless if you were never let on to things.
Well, I was just clueless on how to treat a woman. I can't just treat her the way I'd want to be treated. She needs empathy, intimacy, and romance. I just made classic man mistakes, nothing major like cheating on her or getting in trouble for something bad. The only possible abuse was that she said one time when she was at her dad's, as a kid, she locked herself in a bathroom and called her mom to come get her, but she doesn't remember why. She wonders whether she made herself forget what happened because it was so bad. Her mom has also probably tried to implant some bad ideas about what happened. So, other than that, no known abuse. I certainly didn't abuse her, unless we're talking partial neglect -- doing too much of my own thing, just happy to have her "around", mindlessly thinking that because I'm happy, and because she appears happy to me, that things are fine.
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
The bomb drop was her telling me she wasn't sure she wanted to be with me, after beginning to get cold towards me. It was late November or early December. I'm not sure when. Our anniversary is November 21. It was within one or two weeks after that, that she started to go cold. I haven't figured out exactly what date it all started.
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
