She moved out, filed, but I'm still working Pt. 5

[ciluzen]

I told her that we could focus on us instead of money.

Her response was kind of like gas lighting...saying that I just don't see it yet, but that "we" will both be much happier

Incredible how much this is script. My XH said EXACTLY the same to me, and almost word for word on the rest. He actually said, "You just haven't given it a chance, but if you try to wrap your head around it, you'll see that you don't like me. This is our best chance at happiness." I got various versions of this each time I lost my cool and lapsed into an R talk (or R "beg").

Funny thing is, I AM happier; but not really because we're D. That was just the kick in the rear that I needed to work on what made me unhappy (I really didn't realize how unhappy I was). If I had done then what I am doing now...I'd love to say our marriage would be perfect. But really, he's in an MLC. For everything he says or does, if you just wait a few weeks, it changes 180 degrees. I really believe in moving forward and letting them go through this. Alone.

SBJ, it stinks. We are forced to give them the "gift" of D. It really does change the dynamic of our families, too. But it also frees us up to work on who we are and strengthens us. I miss my H every day. Cry a bit with anger and sadness when alone. But great things are happening in my life every day, too, because I've finally made room for them. Will our loved ones find the need to do similar work? Only if and when they can similarly take the focus (usually anger) off of us and really focus on them...not just the band-aid focus of "youthful", selfish behavior, but real introspection. I think without us there, they may have a chance to do that. But it will take time.

All we can do is live our lives separately at that point, treat them kindly (even through gritted teeth at times) and wish them well on their journey. Maybe they will find that we weren't the problem.