Hi,
Funny thing I was just thinking. I feel happier now than I have in a long time. Why? I'm curious myself! I'm doing a lot of things that ppl have been telling me to do all along, I read Michele's book "Change your Life and Everyone in it," my sister and I are friends again (she was mad at me for 3 years) so now I hang out w/her and her family, I am selling a few self-help books on half.com and ridding of many many others. I stood up to my stupid frickin' counselor the other day, I have decided to NOT go to a new IC until further notice b/c H (and Michele) are right-I DO know what to do! And, I can. I also had a phone consult w/Joann last week that was very inspiring. Having this separation has helped ME immensely.

How this came about is that the other day I realized that H had lied to me about something a couple times over the past few months. He blamed me and said that it is because he is so angry with me that he felt the need to do this, and then lie to me about it. I told him that I want to work on this R, but that I think he needs to rid of some of the resentment towards me if he wants this to go forward. (I know it's not the most DB thing to do, but I cannot tolerate being lied to-yes, I can forgive him and drop it, and never bring it up again-but lying to me has always been a deal-breaker).

I asked what he needed? Space? Time alone together? He opted for space-neither of us really have a place to go to live separately, so we decided to just live separately in our own home. I have tried to be home as little as possible. However, the first few days, I tried to talk to him a bunch, but he confirmed that he needed this space.

In all honesty, I think I have been wanting to have some kind of space myself. Hopefully, this will bring a new perspective to both of us. I know that I have already changed mine DRASTICALLY. I know it's only been 9 days, but I so feel like I CAN take care of myself.

There is part of me that wonders if I really do not want to be with him. I do love him, but I think he has anger issues. I KNOW that I have control issues and that yes, if I did change, he would too, but I am tired of feeling responsible for EVERYTHING even all of HIS anger and how he deals with it.

Before we got married, we went to a fam. dinner. H got drunk and started dropping the f-bomb all over the place in front of my 80some year old grandfather. My grandfather said something to H, H got mad. We went home to my house and he was furious with ME? The next day he was still mad, and it took him a long time to apologize and just simply admit that he was wrong.

OK, not that I want to harbor resentment towards him, but, it is similar to a lot of other things that have happened. In the beginning he was more sympathetic towards my feelings. The first time I had one of my jealous outbursts, he was pissed at me. I've tried diff. ways to talk to him, but he would most always get mad at me, blaming it on my approach. Yes, now I know that there are many diff. ways to communicate rather than talking.

So, I've changed my approach, I've gotten a lot better (crazy-making). The altercations or discussions don't last nearly as long. However, a couple weeks ago, he got mad at me b/c I was talking about a career change and what I want to do with my life. (When a couple months ago he said that I should be able to talk to him.) And this happened a couple weeks prior to that-I was confiding some feelings about something totally not related to him or our R and he got mad. I told him I was confused b/c he TOLD me to talk to him.

He was supposed to be working on being less defensive, and I was working on less crazymaking, but now I am afraid to share ANY feelings with him. And, again, I should take care of my own feelings. I have wanted his support so badly, but I can see now that I CAN do this on my own.

I don't know what is going to happen. He's going camping with his friends this weekend. I won't be home much tonight and I'm not going home after work tomorrow so I won't see him before he leaves. In fact, I don't want to be there Sunday when he gets home.

Maybe I'm just full of anger right now, but I feel that I have accepted 99.999% responsibility for our probs, but feel that he can't even accept the other .001%. He's told his mom for years that this is MY prob., and not his.

If we do reconcile, I swear to God I will DB my @ss off -as Sage has suggested for at least 6 months, and then take a reading of the R.

thanks,
Karen

If you all want to whap me, that's fine. Bring it on. If there is a time for me, it is now. My mind is freer right now to listen.