So Confused and Conflicted

[WshIKnw]

It's entirely possible that she is, but its also possible that she isn't. However, given the fact that she is involved in an affair tells me that she is friendzoning you.

You think she's having an affair? I've strongly suspected it, but I have not yet found conclusive evidence.

Work on detaching. You can do a search on livestrong developing detachment if you haven't already. I think there is a misconception that it means to give up. It doesn't.

It does kind of seem like giving up. I searched for that article and read it. I found some of it hard to understand, but I'll keep working on understanding detachment.

One of the most important things you need to do, is keep busy with GAL activities.

I found Journaling to be very helpful to me.

Yeah, ever since this all started, for the first time in my life, I have found writing to be extremely helpful in helping me get out my pain. Initially, this manifested in all the letters I wrote to her during that first month or so, mostly while she was still in the house. I didn't give all of them to her. Some I deemed too whiny. Now, my letters are sent to my parents in email. I also vent here in this thread.

Of course always keep in mind when interacting with your W, "is what I am about to say/do gonna get me closer or further away from my goal?"

Yeah, it's a struggle, especially when I'm emotional. Sometimes I have wanted to contact her so badly to complain or whine. So many times in the past, when I did, it just resulted in her blowing up and building a bigger wall.

I didn't say anything to her on Valentine's Day, and she said nothing to me. I don't know whether that was a mistake on my part, but I believe I've read that it would be pursuing. Is initiating contact always a form of pursuit that I should avoid?

She put up a new profile picture on Facebook last night, that is super cute. I don't think she had changed it previously for at least a month. I'd love to think that she changed it to try to get me to pursue her, to make her feel wanted, but I know that there's no reason to think she did it for me. But she may have been feeling down, since she was spending Valentine's Day alone, and may have wanted to see all the likes and hear all the compliments.

I hate how she did all of this. The way she always kept acting like things were fine between us, up to right before the wall came up and the bitterness started. The way she wrote me an anniversary card that basically said "everything's great; so glad I have you", a week or two before she went cold. The way she never gave me a warning, never told me she was thinking about leaving me. Never told me she was nearing the end of her rope. No ultimatums. (She says she doesn't believe in them, but gave me one back in winter 07/08, that dramatically caused me to change my life for the positive.) And how she refused to give me a second chance, saying that all the times she complained to me were second chances. But I never "got" her complaints. Never got that she was unhappy, because she didn't wear her heart on her sleeve. She appeared to get over things very quickly, when in actuality, she was apparently just storing away resentment. I just feel so f-ing cheated in this. I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't know she was unhappy. I thought her complaints were much more minor, perhaps more mood-based, or coinciding with having a bad day. I didn't know they were so serious. She never sat me down and told me, "these are things I have to have, to stay in this relationship with you".

Any idea why she would end it like this? When I asked her why she never told me she was thinking about leaving me, she said that she never thought about leaving me -- that the thought just popped into her head from time to time, that she never actively thought about it. Apparently she just kind of had an epiphany, if I am to believe her. Now, that I am here and can look back, I can see signs of her thinking about leaving me -- the fact that she didn't work on gifts at all for my family for Christmas this year, though she always had in the past (and usually started in the early fall), and the fact that she seemed to quit working on her garden in the early fall, though she keeps a year-round garden (even though it takes a lot less work in the cooler months). When asked about this, she said she was just depressed about her Granny's health going way down. Which is another thing I haven't mentioned to any of you yet, but I have thought about a lot. Her Granny has been like a second mom to her, that lived with her her whole life, until my wife left the house she grew up in. Her Granny is 95 years old, and her health started going down badly last May. Right before my wife went cold on me, her Granny's health took another dip, and many people were now talking like they expected she'd live only another 3 or 4 months. I have wondered how much her Granny appearing to be dying has played a role in all of this.