Moored

[Brubeck]

Hi HaWho,

Catching up on your fraternity MLCer. You're hanging in there.

- Separate cars... I recalled when I was a teenager and I had to travel with my mother on public transportation, I would never sit next to her. I was just too cool to be traveling right next to my mom. I had to sit in an adjacent seat somewhere. I wonder if he's trying to claim his independence and/or rebelling against his Mom this way. He resorts to texting to avoid confrontation or dialogue. If he's in a car with you, he can't escape from what you may have to say to him. Even if your boys are there, he still may fear you will resort to his passive aggressive tactic, which is that talking-through-the-kids crap (my W does the same thing). You tried to address this and he balked, no surprise. He wants to drive alone and play his depressing songs.

- Asking him in advance about eating dinner with the family... yes, I think you should do it. Sneaking in and out while you and your sons are acting normally is ridiculous. Just rehearse what you're going to say and be prepared to use a calm tone of voice. Standing in the doorway while asking him if he's going to bother sitting at the dinner table can come off as incredibly matriarchal.

- Talking to your sons while ignoring you... if H says something to one of the boys, and you hear your son say something worth replying to, then speak up. You'll be replying to your children, not your immature H. You can ignore his mind games while staying engaged with your children. They're noticing all his weird behavior, too.

- The ignoring... I feel ya, I really feel ya. It's hard to stomach when they're in the same damn house as us. My W made a point not to acknowledge my last birthday, even though 3 of her friends visited that evening and all wished me Happy Birthday. Then again, she unfriended me on Facebook a week before, so it wasn't like I was surprised. I wonder when a live-in MLCer goes NC, is it out of guilt or anger? Whenever I re-cap my own sitch for a friend, I usually just say my W is still "aggressively ignoring me". I think if they could call us on our cell and say nothing so they can give us the silent treatment over the phone, they'd do it.

You are very perceptive about him looking for a battle by fetching his dinner while you're in the kitchen preparing the current dinner. Good catch! You can put these behaviors into perspective - however insane.

They want us to fight, they want us to lose our cool. It's tough. As hard as things are, you are doing great for no other reason than your primary impulse is NOT to hide in that dorm room all the time.