Hi All, I'm not sure that if what I have done is the right thing or not. Feel free to give me whatever responses or any help. I know that some of you have been frustrated with me for not listening, but I really am willing to listen now.
Monday and Tuesday H & I had dinner together. Wed. I came home early only to discover that he was looking at internet porn. I asked him about it and he says that he has been on about a weekly basis for the last several months. He said that there are times when he has sexual energy, but is too mad at me to want to be with me. I told him that I think he is holding onto resentment, and that internet porn usage is not being committed to the M. I asked him to talk to me about these things to open the channels rather than do things that create more distance between us. I did not freak out at all during this convo. He said that he wants our m to work. I asked if he wants to continue with the resentment and porn usage and he said no. I asked what he needed to decide if this m is worth it enough to him to get over the anger towards me. I believe that I have been changing, but think that if he continues to be pessimistic and resentful, that the r won't change. Is this true? Or am I supposed to DB until that surpasses? We decided to have an in-house separation. He asked about the next 2 weekends b/c this one I have a wedding recp. for a co-worker and next week we were supposed to go camping. We said we'd play it by ear and I said he could go on the trip himself.
His mom concurs that he hasn't been very husbandly in the last year, that she sees changes, and that she thinks he is holding a grudge.
I was reading Michele's "Change your life," in which she states that the answers are within us. I am ALWAYS talking to other ppl about this stuff! Everyone has a diff. opinion and now several ppl think my H is a jerk. However, none of these ppl are happily married or the rest are divorced.
Porn. is a deal breaker for me. This is something he and I discussed very early in our R. I said that if he was into it, that I am not the woman for him. He said he never did it until he became unhappy with our R.
I know I need to leave him alone, and I know I need to quit talking to ppl that aren't DB'ers or Godly/happy ppl. I am addicted to worrying about it and talking about it.
I know that I have caused most of the probs in our R, but I don't feel like H is taking any responsibility for any of it. I also want him to be committed to putting effort into the R. Am I wrong? I am so afraid that if I do all of the work, that I will be the one being a pushover and he won't respect me. And, I am afraid of being taken for granted.
Have I been SOO bad to him? Do I deserve to be treated like this (ie won't go to the river with me, closed off and resentful towards me, etc.) Am I much more evil than I think I am?
I feel like it is conditional for him to say that he will give me what I want if I change, etc. That feels manipulative to me. Is that wrong too? I don't know what to think anymore. I am so used to thinking like everyone else, namely parents, who really don't know what they are talking about themselves and are divorced too!
Some ppl are appalled that H goes out once or twice a week with his friends and that he was/is friends w/his ex fiance. Many had a prob. when he went to din. w/her and said that he shouldn't. Well, telling me what HE shouldn't do doesn't help me! I don't think it is wrong to talk to ex's. I have a million myself and he has met several. I also enjoy going out with my friends-we just happen to go to the bars less than he does.
I keep wondering why God is letting me be in this sit. and wondering what I am supposed to be learning! Prob. to keep my hands off! And break the "self-help" addiction.
For once, I would like to focus on other ppl and caring about them rather than myself all the time. (Which ppl have been telling me to do for a long time.)
Thanks for listening and offering any help. And PLEASE be honest-don't worry about hurting my feelings. I am open to hearing and taking it in. I trust you.
