It sounds like your weekend went pretty good. There are many positives there! Keep focused on them.
Quote: but even making a suggestion or expressing any feelings towards him, sets him off
I really have to watch this one. Things like: Why don't you do this, or try that. Even, How are you feeling is controlling.
Some new phrases I have been working on: How do you want to handle that? I'm sensing that you are feeling alittle ______ (off, down whatever fits), just want to let you know I'm here.
Kind of two ways to handle things. One is where I would have suggested some solution. Now, simply ask what his solution might be and just listen. The second is when they feel down, make it that your aware and are just there. Then exactly like you said, go about your business.
Hi All, I'm not sure that if what I have done is the right thing or not. Feel free to give me whatever responses or any help. I know that some of you have been frustrated with me for not listening, but I really am willing to listen now.
Monday and Tuesday H & I had dinner together. Wed. I came home early only to discover that he was looking at internet porn. I asked him about it and he says that he has been on about a weekly basis for the last several months. He said that there are times when he has sexual energy, but is too mad at me to want to be with me. I told him that I think he is holding onto resentment, and that internet porn usage is not being committed to the M. I asked him to talk to me about these things to open the channels rather than do things that create more distance between us. I did not freak out at all during this convo. He said that he wants our m to work. I asked if he wants to continue with the resentment and porn usage and he said no. I asked what he needed to decide if this m is worth it enough to him to get over the anger towards me. I believe that I have been changing, but think that if he continues to be pessimistic and resentful, that the r won't change. Is this true? Or am I supposed to DB until that surpasses? We decided to have an in-house separation. He asked about the next 2 weekends b/c this one I have a wedding recp. for a co-worker and next week we were supposed to go camping. We said we'd play it by ear and I said he could go on the trip himself.
His mom concurs that he hasn't been very husbandly in the last year, that she sees changes, and that she thinks he is holding a grudge.
I was reading Michele's "Change your life," in which she states that the answers are within us. I am ALWAYS talking to other ppl about this stuff! Everyone has a diff. opinion and now several ppl think my H is a jerk. However, none of these ppl are happily married or the rest are divorced.
Porn. is a deal breaker for me. This is something he and I discussed very early in our R. I said that if he was into it, that I am not the woman for him. He said he never did it until he became unhappy with our R.
I know I need to leave him alone, and I know I need to quit talking to ppl that aren't DB'ers or Godly/happy ppl. I am addicted to worrying about it and talking about it.
I know that I have caused most of the probs in our R, but I don't feel like H is taking any responsibility for any of it. I also want him to be committed to putting effort into the R. Am I wrong? I am so afraid that if I do all of the work, that I will be the one being a pushover and he won't respect me. And, I am afraid of being taken for granted.
Have I been SOO bad to him? Do I deserve to be treated like this (ie won't go to the river with me, closed off and resentful towards me, etc.) Am I much more evil than I think I am?
I feel like it is conditional for him to say that he will give me what I want if I change, etc. That feels manipulative to me. Is that wrong too? I don't know what to think anymore. I am so used to thinking like everyone else, namely parents, who really don't know what they are talking about themselves and are divorced too!
Some ppl are appalled that H goes out once or twice a week with his friends and that he was/is friends w/his ex fiance. Many had a prob. when he went to din. w/her and said that he shouldn't. Well, telling me what HE shouldn't do doesn't help me! I don't think it is wrong to talk to ex's. I have a million myself and he has met several. I also enjoy going out with my friends-we just happen to go to the bars less than he does.
I keep wondering why God is letting me be in this sit. and wondering what I am supposed to be learning! Prob. to keep my hands off! And break the "self-help" addiction.
For once, I would like to focus on other ppl and caring about them rather than myself all the time. (Which ppl have been telling me to do for a long time.)
Thanks for listening and offering any help. And PLEASE be honest-don't worry about hurting my feelings. I am open to hearing and taking it in. I trust you.
I went to see my psychologist (the one I started seeing almost 2 years ago). I had forgotten about the appt., and I couldn't stay b/c of a team lunch, so I showed up so I wouldn't get charged for no show. I only talked to her for about 15 min., but that was PLENTY. I was gonna ditch her today, but she seemed iffy about not charging me, so I played like everything was fine.
And, she gave me bad advice. I was kind of testing her. It seems like she WANTS me to feel bad!!! This is how it went:
I tell her what's going on and about our "break." She makes faces and asks me questions. Like how long it was supposed to last and she said that in order to be separated, one usually goes to live somewhere else. She says, "don't you think that is hard to be in the same house?" me: "well, yeah, but we are always busy doing other things, i have plans every day this week, and we stay in separate rooms." Her: "Do you feel like you are being punished?" Me: "no, I'm trying not to. I don't think that's what it is." Then she says, "don't you think you need to do ask him for a time to re-assess to make yourself feel better?" Me: "No, b/c that would be pushing him. He asked for time, so I need to give it to him. I messed up last week b/c I tried to talk to him, but now I am not. You've been telling me all this time to NOT control him. I need to respect it, as hard as it is for me." "So you feel abandoned & rejected." Me: "um...no. It's "break" to hopefully be able to step back and put things in perspective and/or decide if he wants to be in the marriage" (or something like that) "Well, if things don't change in a couple weeks, it would seem like a decision has been made, don't you think?" (Like about whether to stay together or not.) Me: "Um...no, not necessarily...I'm hoping that it won't last very long, but I'm not going to ask him."
So, as I was listening to her I was thinking that this lady is off her rocker! & told myself to let it go in one ear and out the other.
I tell you, I SINCERELY feel different. DB'ing is definitely the way to go. Can you imagine if I said, "ok, I need to know by such and such a date if you want to stay married to me or not"? HELLO!!! I mean, I do wish that I hadn't started this in the first place, but I did. I must get on the horse and DO WHAT I AM SUPPOSED TO DO. Rock on!
I love him and hope this doesn't last long! We are either staying out of the house or staying in diff. rooms. Yesterday we were next to each other, but i just grabbed my stuff and left w/o making eye contact.
I've been hanging out with friends, and my sister and her kids (she's my buddy again!), and walking the dogs, and started scrapping again...AND, I even got a book from the library to read for PLEASURE! I said this on Sage's thread-I'm not going to talk to my friends anymore about this or call them up bawling. If I want to call someone, I'll call myself or write an email to myself and answer it. ha ha But seriously.
He and his (and my) friends are going camping this wkd. As far as I know he is going w/o me. It is hurting like heck and I am hoping that I can go, but I just don't think that it will happen.
Hi Ladies, Thanks for stopping by! It really means a lot to me.
We are not having ANY contact-not even hello and good-bye. So, I'm trying to stay away from home as much as possible. It's so hard to not talk to him b/c I just want to make up and be together again. I talked to him a few times and he was like (excuse the jr. high grammer) "um...this isn't space..." I said OK and left the room.
I'm trying to deal w/the camping thing. It's really hard. I'm reminding myself that I WILL go camping again sometime in my life (hopefully this summer-I like to go once or twice at least) and that he WILL miss me when he is gone and wish I were there. And possibly be refreshed. Sometimes space really helps him, I just have a hard time giving it to him.
Tonight I went to a scrappin' party-but they didn't actually scrap, just showed us stuff and took orders. I'm looking forward to working on my book again.
Tomorrow I'm watching a chick flick w/my friend that had a hysterectomy a couple weeks ago. Thurs. I bike with group. Friday-river w/sister if I don't go camping.
Joann had said to me that maybe I just wasn't in enough pain to change and if we needed to increase it. Well, being excluded from this trip is REALLY REALLY painful and may be what I need to give me a kick in the butt.
Pray that he is not done with me, please. He did admit in one of our convo's last week that he did not go about things in the best way. (meaning lying and/or int. p). Sorry, can't spell it out. But, I looked at some of the pictures he looked at, and I didn't feel threatened. Can you imagine?? ME not feel threatened? It showed me that he does have desire. Sometimes I had been afraid that he was asexual! I think when the women look like real women rather than in Playboy or the Vic's Secret's commercial where every woman is perfect. B/c then I think I just can't measure up. But, that's just airbrushing and technology, right??? Right???
HI, I haven't talked to (or tried to talk to) H since Sunday morning.
My typical response to him going on a camping trip w/o me would be to be jealous-that he's having fun w/o me, that I'm not going, mad-b/c it was his friend (girl who's now my friend) & I that picked the date and started to plan the trip, upset b/c I'll be w/o him. I would have eventually broke down and cried and begged him to let me go. Well, we know that that won't work, right? B/c then he'll just want to be away from me more. So, what did I do?
I left him a note on the counter this morn. that said, "Hi Hubby, Would you like to use the truk this weekend?"
Also, if he does initiate convo. to reconcile, would it be the DB thing to do to not mention the int. p. or if he lied to me other times, and that he DID lie to me twice for sure??? And just LET IT GO? I have less hard feelings than I thought I would, but it hurts that he lied. I thought he was someone who would never lie no matter what. But, I know that many of you have had much worse experiences and probably think this is no big deal! ??
Quote: Also, if he does initiate convo. to reconcile, would it be the DB thing to do to not mention the int. p. or if he lied to me other times, and that he DID lie to me twice for sure??? And just LET IT GO? I have less hard feelings than I thought I would, but it hurts that he lied. I thought he was someone who would never lie no matter what. But, I know that many of you have had much worse experiences and probably think this is no big deal! ??
Karen -- My 2 cents -- why start the "reconciling" process by bringing up 2 bigtime conflicts -- lying, IP? I'm not suggest they're not worthy of some solution seeking eventually -- just that in true DB form you may want to focus on "doing what works" -- I personally think that you'd want to be focusing your immediate energies on creating some VERY positive interactions/social times with h and reducing or eliminating the behaviors (um, yours, since they're the ones you can control) that just aren't working -- create some super positive times together, ya know?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I'm so scared of what I have done. I did it in the heat of the moment, and I was pissed that he lied.
I talked to MIL today. She had lunch w/h and told me some of their convo. He's been thinking about D for about 6 months. He thinks that it is all me that is causing the problems in our R. Well, how about most? God, this sucks!
He's in the living room and we're not even saying hello to each other. The note that I left is gone w/no response. So, I guess that's a no.
I wrote MIL and told her that I didn't want to talk about the sit. w/her anymore. That words can be misconstrued and it's not fair to him or her. He is her son and he should feel confident that he can talk to her without her telling me everything that he said.
I feel like going into the living room and begging for another chance. I want this to work. dammit!
Betsey