Hi,
I've been feeling more motivated the past couple of days. Part of it being that I am so angry with H that I feel kinda like "I'll show him-I AM CHANGING!!!" But, I realized this morn that this act is tough love from him and I do need to see it from his standpoint. It was embarrassing for him when I had those outbursts and it ruins his fun. I just don't want to think that we won't EVER be able to go together and I still think (someone please correct me if my thinking could be better here) that he'll divorce me if I don't change, yet he's not giving me the opportunity to show him that I have AND why stay together if we are going to live separate lives like this? ie can't do "certain" things together. Which is it? Stay with me if I change or stay w/me and not do certain things together if I don't change. What is the reward?

Tuesday he called and asked if I wanted him to wait for me to get home to go bike riding with him and his friend. I told him to just go during the day w/o me and asked if he would be eating din. with friend. He said no, and I said that I would go to the store and cook. (well, not cook at the store. ). I came home, and he wasn't home yet. So I went to the pool to visit my sis and nephews. My sister is talking to me again after 3 years of estrangement. We may actually be friends again and doing stuff together!

H got home, then I went home a little later. Had din, got along ok. I had no expectations and actually don't even feel like being intimate with him, but he did init. snuggling for a few min. in bed.

Last night my plans to climb got cancelled, so I called another friend and went to a church picnic with her. I ran home first to change, H was there and asked what i was doing-I said, "going to play, how 'bout you?" He said that he was going to play too. I told him to have fun, and he left. After the picnic I went to my other friend's and we went out for a couple beers. I didn't get home until 12:40. H was asleep, but I'm sure he was wondering where I was.

This morn. I was cheerful and a little goofy and he laffed. Tonight we will meet with the bike club to ride. we usually go on diff. routes b/c the group splits up according to skill level. After, we eat din. out. I plan to be in a good mood and pleasant towards him without going overboard. Wish me luck.

I can honestly say I feel a little better about myself. I went back to my neurologist the other day and she put me on another med. for ADD. It has to build up, but after a week and a half, I think I feel a little better emotionally and a little more focused at work.

ttys,
thanks for being here!
karen