A WW? (7)

[Zues126]

still haven't solved the lack of respect issue. You have way more patients for that than I do.

No one should tolerate blatant disrespect.

I reread everything I posted and don't see anything I suggested that contradicts this advice.

When I talk about validation, I'm assuming that WAS is just making a few nasty spew comments here and there. If she says "Why bother talking about it, nothing I say is going to matter anyway" in a nasty tone, there is no reason not to validate and say "I understand you've felt that I haven't heard your voice in our marriage. You must've felt very neglected. I can see why you'd be angry after all these years, and why you wouldn't want to bother talking to me about things anymore."

Then stop, just stop. No "But if you talk to me now it will be different" or anything. No. Because we want to communicate with ACTIONS, NOT WORDS. By validating and shutting up we are SHOWING her we can listen. But trying to validate and then trying to get her to have a conversation she didn't want to have we are showing her we aren't listening or respecting her preferences, which proves we didn't mean what we said. See? Validate and STFU.

So yes, if validating a few snotty comments means putting up with disrespect, then yes, you need to validate and STFU. I challenge anyone to disagree with that.

BUT- if behavior is truly disrespectful...name calling, swearing, screeching, flaunting another man in your face, saying nasty things to your child about you...THEN you need to put a stop to it. That's a boundary. That's where you simply say "I won't carry on a conversation with this type of disrespect. I'm willing to speak to you when you've calmed down." Then walk away. Or "It hurts our child when they are in the middle of this. We both need to speak respectfully about each other when we're around our child. Can you agree to that?" (If not, talk to your lawyer)


All in all, there are fine lines between being a pushover, being a strong man, and being a jacka$$. Don't be a pushover, but don't be a jacka$$. When things are outside of your boundaries, validate. Focus on your behavior to lead your family the best you can. When things cross your boundaries, defend yourself without retaliating or controlling. Just be strong. Let the water crash upon the rocks.

As I look back at my sitch I have navigated through a lot of crap. Attempted suicide while she had primary parental time, a string of other men, black out drinking, and a lot of things that could've escalated the situation with me and XW very easily. When I was in tremendous emotional turmoil and grieving the loss of my marriage I was forced with horrible circumstances that forced me to make bold decisions which impacted the lives and well being of my children. I am pretty darn proud that I was able to be strong where I needed to and laid back when strength wasn't needed. As a result, despite her meltdown and insane behavior I have 50% parental time, happy and healthy children, and a professional working relationship with the mother of my children which allows us to cooperate a bit for everyone's best interest- especially the children's. No, my marriage wasn't saved, that was clearly not going to be a possibility. But I have become the man she was a fool to leave and I conducted myself in a way that was best for my family and will never trouble me about what I could've done differently. My life has never been better than it is today.