WW in PA: Threaten to tell kids? Confront OM?

[hoosjim]

New to this, so Ima just throw it all out there: Married for 20 years, two kids, 17 and 18, both with special needs (1 Tourettes, 1 OCD with some mild LD). Health problems fairly early in marriage limited my ability to be intimate as much as W wanted, I pushed her away some to spare myself my own feelings of inadequacy, etc. I also was not the best at assisting with home upkeep, much of the childrearing, etc. Basically I just eventually kind of shut down and "went to sleep." My health problems were resolved beginning approx 8 years ago, but by then damage already done. We had already started the drift apart, lack of intimacy had made us more cross with each other, neither of us respected others' view on things, etc. She felt and still feels disrespected by kids and feels I contributed to that (which I probably did) by not supporting her enough. BUT: Big problem is the lack of intimacy. W is a VERY sexual being, more than I ever knew for sure, though I did know she was a bit like that, but she is also conflicted due to Catholic upbringing and church's views on sex, birth control, etc. The "NFP" birth control endorsed by the Church and which we committed to was actually probably a contributing factor, particularly since I was "scared" of any additional children due to my health, and since we weren't "pristine" with the timing and measurement principles of the protocol. In a nutshell, we just ended up not making love nearly enough, and certainly not as much as she would have wanted. Other intimacy (touching, handholding, hugging, even the kiss going out the door in the AM) eventually vanished. And then, so did even the rote "I love you"s. My ring disappeared during a period of home renovation/cleaning over two years ago, and she stopped wearing hers about 6 months later. Over the last probably 6-7 years she has come to me directly wanting to talk about the lack of intimacy (not just sex) and also the other problems as well, probably 3-4 times, most recently in early January, each time to some extent in tears. Each time I have to some extent tried to turn it back on her, blaming "the way she talked to me" or "to the kids" which could be mean-spirited but, honestly, probably had its genesis in the way she was being treated by me, and, most recently, I just didn't know what to do-- I was starting to come to the realization (finally) that we were really in trouble, and had started to suspect an affair might be ongoing since late November. Exactly three weeks ago today, I discovered she was having an affair with one of my best friends-- someone to whom I had gone for help with the relationship, and who took advantage of that information and my wife's vulnerability to make his move. The affair was not, at that time, physical (I overheard a phone conversation and my wife and I discussed it and I am confident that, at least at that time, it was not.) She also told me she had not slept with anyone since before we were dating/engaged, and I believe her. However, there are clearly feelings there based on what I overheard. (though she did not say she loved him). This affair has been going on, near as I can figure, since late November. We have not discussed it in great detail, just that "I went to ________ because I needed someone I could talk to. He makes me laugh and makes me feel wanted and desired and sexy. He's been there for me. It has only been flirtation, sometimes heavy, so far. I like him, he's a 'friend'". But, from their conversation, it was clear it was a bit more than that and that it was heading towards consummation-- they were discussing hiding and deleting emails and pictures they had sent, and how long it would be before they could be "seen in public together" if they "ever got together."


Current status is that we are talking, almost daily, though not in couples therapy. I discovered, rather suddenly, that I had buried my feelings deeply and still very much love her (VERY much-- it hurts terribly) and am now dealing with the guilt of having neglected her and pushed her away for so long, particularly since she remained faithful to me for all those years despite her sexual nature (and, yes, I am very confident of this.) She says she cares for me but does "not love me" and doesn't know if she can ever see herself wanting a romantic or intimate relationship with me again, but that she DOES know she wants and even needs to feel "sexy and wanted and desired", which this ex-friend of mine (who is definitely a bit of a womanizer) has done for her. He had been texting multiple times a day and sending her all sorts of flowers and little gifts. Contact with the OM has not stopped. He continues to text her fairly regularly (almost daily) even as he knows I know what is going on. She has responded on a handful of occasions (I see the cellphone records in the bill) and, this past Saturday, went with a girlfriend to a bar where she knew he was almost certain to be. To her credit, when I called her to see when she would be getting home (she had initially indicated she would be home somewhat sooner), she told me where she was (though not WON the OM was there, which I assume he almost certainly was) and I thanked her for being honest and told her "in the spirit of honesty on my part, you know I'd rather you not be there" and then said "whatever, I'll see you when you get back" and hung up. She did come home, almost immediately, and we talked and I apologized for being controlling. She remains fairly steadfast that "she doesn't know if she can see us ever getting back to being a romantic couple", and had previously said she is not sure she was ever truly "in love with me" (which is definitely revisionist on her part) and couldn't even remember any of our happy memories, BUT, in the past few days she has, on her own, recalled a couple.

My main problem is is that I feel like I am sort of in limbo in terms of how I should be proceeding. Am I in "repair" mode-- be nice, caring, loving, supportive, etc., OR am I in or near "Last Resort" mode where I want to play it very cool and cut contact? I think I am honestly somewhere in between. I DEFINITELY want to work on the relationship and hope in my deepest of hopes that we can reconcile. She, while having stepped back a half step from the brink of walking out, says she is conflicted and confused, but still feels a bit like she is trapped and not making any progress. Problem is, she does not want to commit to working on the relationship. I am sure the continued contact with the OM is not helping her clarity. Additionally, her best friend (my best friend's wife) is in the process of separating, is probably a support for her on the "separate" side of the ledger, and oh-by-the-way turns out to know (friends of friends) the OM, which she did not discover until about the time the affair was kicking off, and who now likes to hang out at that same bar (and invite my wife to do so). Based on fairly good intel, I don't think my wife's friend is actively encouraging her to carry on the affair-- I think she just really likes this bar and lieks hanging out with her new friends and wants my wife (her best friend) to be there too. As for my wife's attitude towards me, it ranges from friendly, joking, even lightly flirtatious (with some confusing and even small suggestive signals-- totally inconsistent with everything she has said verbally--thrown in). We have been out socially 2 or three times and both enjoyed it, though she says she is not certain if it is just like a friendship thing or something more. She also has periods where she "pulls back" and is colder or cries a lot, and my sense is that these are days where the OM has somehow muddied the waters by contacting her. Pretty sure he sent her flowers and some earrings last week. For my part, I have been complimentary, extremely helpful around the house, and have become energized, committing myself to taking care of myself better (not like I am a slob, I am actually a fairly attractive, athletically built, though on the slim side, man, and my health has returned to it's pre-sickness quality.) My leadership has even gotten the kids to treat her with more love and respect, all of which she has noticed. But... still in limbo.

Working with one of the coaches, and my goal for this week was have her initiate some sort of physical touch (which she has been reluctant to do for fear of "giving me the wrong idea.") I was also to initiate touches of my own where I felt comfortable doing so and where it wasn't too aggressive/forward. Finally, cooling it on the R talk as much as possible unless she initiated (since it seems to go better when she does so). Been doing most of that, but no luck. She had warmed up to me a bit in week two, clearly "leaning in to me" for a while during our son's basketball game" and then sleeping closer to me in bed that night (though not touching), but then she pulled back, and nothing since. Although she has stayed in "our" bed with me except for one "very bad day" she had which I think was probably brought on by OM confusion and where she slept in the guest room. Before all this came to a head, we had been sleeping apart, under the guise of a number of bad excuses (differing schedules, didn't want to wake you) for somewhere between 30-50% of the time.

MOST recent development is we had both a) a very nice friend-y talk about work, friends, life, etc AND b) a relationship talk where she talked about still "feeling stuck" for the reasons already stated, DID mention a couple of fond memories she had of us and where I, for a number of reasons, told her I released her from her vows to me even as I still wanted to work on renewing our relationship and did NOT want to separate. (Understand that this was done mostly to remove SOME of the guilt and pressure off of her as she is dealing with alot of issues, not all of which I will go into here, and not because I thought she would immediately bolt-- she is still catholic and the religious/church obligations should still be somewhat of an impediment to her leaving, but this is something I wanted to give her, especially since I feel like our past relationship is "broken" and I don't have a right to make any claim on her given how I neglected her all those years. Plus, I want to be free of the overlay of jealousy and "controlling" love. if she comes back, I want her back because she wants to be with me.

So, what does everyone think? Have i misplayed this? How am I playing it wrong? Should I be dropping the hammer and saying "Cut it off cold turkey with the OM"? (remember the affair is only a bit over two months old and I only found out three weeks ago-- I don't expect any "feelings" there to have dissipated yet.) Do I keep trying to initiate physical contact and complement her, etc? Part of my big conundrum here is that she very obviously and explicitly wants a physical relationship, has been frustrated to one degree or another for close to ten years, but as things CURRENTLY stand, does not see me (I dont think) as a likely partner. She also feels like time is running out on her waning youth and is scared to devote more time to a relationship that was a black hole of sorts for ten years already. to that extent she feels "trapped" and like she is not "making any progress" in her life. I know if we are ever to be together again that it will, by definition, take time and work, but I am not certain that she is willing or able to wait that long. I am confident I can be the man she needs to me to be, now... just not certain that I am going to be given the time.