Sage, I think I understand what you are saying. I feel invisible in general. I think I am always wanting recognition from other ppl, not feeling whole.
Anyhow, things have been good and bad. I feel like we just can't get along. There is this weekly party down on a river by our house. It's all outside and they have bands and sell beer. Well, H told me that he does not want to go there with me-that it's just something we can't do together. This being b/c I have had a couple jealous outbursts there, mainly when he runs into his x. He doesn't flirt or anything, just talk and laugh. They both say that they were always really good friends, but that neither one has "feelings" for the other.
So, it hurts that I can't do some things with him. He doesn't go out to nightclubs with me either.
I'm not doing a very good job DB'ing b/c I should have acted like this was fine, but I got upset. I acknowledged that I reap what I sow. But, I feel angry about it too. Like, why won't he just give me a chance? His 2 guy friends act funny around me too b/c they feel uncomfortable and they don't want to partake in my crazy-making, but I have not had any outbursts around his friends in a LONNG time.
Also, I know I need to just keep doing more of my own thing. I feel like I arrange my schedule around his on the weekend, but I don't have trouble doing one thing w/my friends during the week. I should bump it up to 2 during the week and then sometimes on Sat. Since this thing is on Fridays, looks like we won't be together most Fridays.
So crying and "expressing my feelings" won't help. What do I do? I plan on going anyway w/my friends/sister and having a grand old time. I just don't feel like I am a priority to him. In the past few summers, we only went a couple times, now he wants to go all the time with his friend. ??? (It goes on for 3 months).
Any help would be appreciated. I really feel sucky right now. I feel like he doesn't want to be around me, so why is he??? Why is he still here if he wants to live this separate life? (what it feels like to me.) OK, I gotta go dry my eyes.
