Hey Karen - Just checking in to see how you are doing, and if the KLA group participation has made a difference to being able to db in a sustainable manner. Slowly.
Okay, first things first. I think you need to focus on yourself for awhile, and not be so caught up in your sitch and your H! You can stick with this. You can do what needs to be done.
Just wake up every morning, and stick it in your head. I actually used to chant "DB DB DB DB" in my head like some a yoga mantra on my worst days, to try to remember to stay on track. Kind of goofy, but who cares?
Quote: I have to say that I messed up again.
Try not to let this get you down. You're human. You're going to make mistakes, even when you know better. Just try to learn from the experience, and go on with life.
Quote: He told me not to build the new dog pen yet in case things don't work out. This caught me off guard-and it shouldn't have. We just had another discussion about his "committment" and he thought that that shouldn't have surprised me.
I know you know this, but I'm going to tell you anway. These kinds of conversations are a trap. Don't walk into it. Just nod, smile, agree, say something like "You make a good point," then drop it and come rant and rave and vent here on the BB.
Quote: He feels like I don't listen to him, but that's not the case.
I'm going to mention the food/mood thing later on, but I want to address this point. Are you spending lots of time validating? Saying things like "I understand how you feel" or "I see your point." That doesn't mean you have to agree with him, just let him know you can sympathize with how he feels. I think validating is one of the best things you can do--it will help him feel more comfortable emotionally.
Quote: joined the BB last September, and if anything, I think my sit. has worsened. But, it is b/c I do not DB. Sure, I do it for 7-9 days, but then I blow it and end up back at square one.
Stop the defeatest thinking. Expections always affect the outcome. Like the self-fulfilling prophecy. When you start thinking like this--and I know you will, it's only natural!--then go out and find something to distract you. Exercise is a great mood booster. Maybe go for a walk or read a book, go shopping or call a friend. But distraction is the best thing!
Quote: I know that thinking about it and talking about it all the time makes it worse for me. Esp. if I talk to non-DB'ers. (I knew this already, but did it anyway.) I get so confused talking from one person to the next. And, I get anxiety from reading other ppls' threads.
So...stop doing what doesn't work. If you get upset reading other threads, then don't. I can't go anywhere near the Infidelity forum. Messes me up every time. I also had to stop listening to the radio for a long time, since pretty much every song reduced me to tears--love songs, leaving songs, songs about having babies...they all messed me. Stop talking about your sitch to people who aren't supportive. It's almost necessary for your sanity, if you want to DB full-force. I actually had to avoid my parents for a few months (awful, I know) to help get me focussed.
Quote: Please encourage me to keep my mouth shut when I have "feelings."
Okay...so I'm encouraging you! Go out for a cup of coffee. Go for a walk. Find a distraction. Think about the what harm it will do to bring up those kinds of talks (that's what really worked for me--weighing which "need" was more important).
Quote: I don't know if it is symptom of depression, side affect of med., or lack of nutrition. I think I have low blood sugar, but I continue to basically thrive on sugar. I just got out a book that I have called "Food & Mood," and am insprired to change some of my dietary habits.
I know aaaaall about this area.... So you're probably going to hear more than you want to, right now. You crave sugar because you're eating it now. It's highly addictive. Personally, I am very sensitive to it, and even just a candy bar once a week gets me hooked and craving more. The cravings go away if you can cut out sugar for a long period of time. Also, your body often craves sugar when you are extremely hungry. Try to keep that it mind.
I also know, for me, that sugar definately affects my mood. Too much of it triggers depression/anxiety in me. If you can tell when this is the case for you (I actually get physical symptoms--elevated heart rate and difficulty breathing), things like green tea, pretzels, and water will help even you out.
I don't know what your diet is like now, but one thing that might significantly help you is the amount of water you drink. If you're drinking any kind of soda on a daily basis, just cutting that out and replacing it with water can have a dramatic effect.
Hope some of this helps! Do something for your PMA today.
You got some really good advice from Nevanna. Focus on you! Get at the real reason you bring things up or say those things. I know when I get in the most trouble and start to back slide it is because I am lashing out. I'm hurt and havent dealt with it or accepted and CERTAINLY haven't forgiven XH. That is where the holding on part comes. For me it is a defense mechanisim. Protective armor. When really if I would open up MORE the interaction would be totally different.
I have tried a new mental trick that seems to work for me and that during any conversation or contact with XH I picture a teather that connects our hearts. I try to imagine it showing me what he is feeling about the situation and what he is fearing. That is a different perspective. Now I can see things in a whole different light and am not so likely to lash out. How do you lash out when you are trying to understand anothers pain and feelings?? you can't.
The only problem I have is to start that trick early in the conversation, prior to letting my emotions get the best (or worst) of me.
Are you on IM? LockL4 is my yahoo account. We can chat more.
Hi all, Update: Thursday we went out for our 3 year anniversary. dinner was nice. I gave him a card with some little coupons-the main one being to a concert that I take him to every year for our anniv. Earlier in the week he said that he couldn't think of what to get me. He was going to buy me wheels & tires for my truk from a guy that he works with, but the guy sold the whole truck. The next day he told me he was looking for ideas, but that i didn't give him any. I said, "you didn't ask. You just told me you were having a hard time." (And,i thought i did give him a few ideas. I've been giving him the same ideas for a lot of holidays, but...???) So, at din. he told me he would take me somewhere since that is what i like the most (as opposed to be given some thing) and asked if there was anywhere i wanted to go.
We came home and we were both tired. i was gonna give him a big surprise which would have involved some time and energy, but asked if he would rather have a quickie and then go to sleep? he said, how about some where in b/t? OK! so, i slipped on a sexy nightie, and we had great LM!
Last night he was supposed to go to the baseball game w/me, but it rained all day and he called and said he didn't want to go b/c he didn't want to be sick for his trip to Indy since he had "waited so long for it." I was upset, but I didn't say anything...just got really quiet and said OK a lot. so, i went up myself (it was with a group of co-workers), and had a good time. It turned out to be a great night-63 degrees and it cleared up and didn't rain a drop. We went out for a little while after, but I wanted to come home late late. I got home close to 1:00, and I checked to see if his car was home before coming home. cuz, if he was out, i was gonna find something to do! mystery, right? so, i drove around a little, parked at mcd's and read some, then went home. he was asleep. this morn. we woke up, smiled at each other a few times, & I curled up to spoon him, he did for a while, then he switched positions and wasn't touching me anymore. he got up and got ready for work, came to say goodbye. he never asked about my night & i didn't ask him.
Today & tonight we won't be together at all and tomorrow he plays race cars. so...i need to act as if this is totally fine, right???
I'm really trying to rely on God and believe that things happen for a reason and that this is the way it is supposed to be right now. I know bitching about stuff will definitely NOT help. I'm still remembering the message that I got one night while praying that H won't give me what I want until I don't need it. Is God testing me???
Slowly, Water & Nevanna, thanks so much for stopping by. Nevanna, I am absorbing the stuff that you said and Water's encouragement. Slowly, I do think the KLA tapes are helping and the homework. I feel like people don't respond to me over there, though. Seems like others get responses, yet mine remain untouched. Sometimes I just feel invisible on this BB and wonder what the heck is wrong with me. I hope to talk to you all soon. thanks, karen
I do think the KLA tapes are helping and the homework. I feel like people don't respond to me over there, though. Seems like others get responses, yet mine remain untouched.
Karen, I think the KLA group is having a traction problem -- I don't think it has anything to do with you at all! I know that you spent some time answering others posts but I think you're one of the few who has (me included) and it even seems like people aren't posting on their OWN topics over there right now (me included!).
Quote:
Sometimes I just feel invisible on this BB and wonder what the heck is wrong with me.
I hope you will take this comment in the spirit that it's intended...(gently, with similar issues, etc)...but isn't your feelings about your place on the bb somewhat akin to how you feel in your m, or in "real life" -- it makes sense, right? It's kind of like how if you go into therapy you'll often find yourself creating a similar relationship with the C as you have with someone in life (if they're willing to "play" along).
What I'm trying to say is this..is it possible that you're reading too much into the reactions or whatever of folks here and really personalizing them? I think there's actually a large subset of folks over here in piecing who tend to get few replies...for whatever reason...know what I mean, friend?
{{{karen}}}
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Sage, I think I understand what you are saying. I feel invisible in general. I think I am always wanting recognition from other ppl, not feeling whole.
Anyhow, things have been good and bad. I feel like we just can't get along. There is this weekly party down on a river by our house. It's all outside and they have bands and sell beer. Well, H told me that he does not want to go there with me-that it's just something we can't do together. This being b/c I have had a couple jealous outbursts there, mainly when he runs into his x. He doesn't flirt or anything, just talk and laugh. They both say that they were always really good friends, but that neither one has "feelings" for the other.
So, it hurts that I can't do some things with him. He doesn't go out to nightclubs with me either.
I'm not doing a very good job DB'ing b/c I should have acted like this was fine, but I got upset. I acknowledged that I reap what I sow. But, I feel angry about it too. Like, why won't he just give me a chance? His 2 guy friends act funny around me too b/c they feel uncomfortable and they don't want to partake in my crazy-making, but I have not had any outbursts around his friends in a LONNG time.
Also, I know I need to just keep doing more of my own thing. I feel like I arrange my schedule around his on the weekend, but I don't have trouble doing one thing w/my friends during the week. I should bump it up to 2 during the week and then sometimes on Sat. Since this thing is on Fridays, looks like we won't be together most Fridays.
So crying and "expressing my feelings" won't help. What do I do? I plan on going anyway w/my friends/sister and having a grand old time. I just don't feel like I am a priority to him. In the past few summers, we only went a couple times, now he wants to go all the time with his friend. ??? (It goes on for 3 months).
Any help would be appreciated. I really feel sucky right now. I feel like he doesn't want to be around me, so why is he??? Why is he still here if he wants to live this separate life? (what it feels like to me.) OK, I gotta go dry my eyes.
I feel so iffy right now. I feel like being done with this as in getting a divorce. But, I know I really don't want that. It's so hard for me to DB!!! I am a horrible actress! I need to be less available and more nonchalant, and do more of my own thing, including things that are fun for ME.
I am even reluctant to cycle with H and his friend Mark. I guess Mark is "OK" with me being around. Gee, thanks. I feel like I have to prove myself to these ppl and H and that feels really rotten. Then, on the other hand, I really don't care what the others think, but hope that h will continue to think on his own. Some of his friends (I don't know which) ask him why he puts up with me.
I need a new attitude. I really don't want to walk away, but I am thinking about it. He's really becoming a turd. Any suggestions?
Karen, I have skimmed your thread, I will read the whole thing when I get a chance. I just wanted to tell you it is alot better on your efforts if you remain together and not separate. Once you separate DBing is very difficult.
If you read my thread you will see I have no contact with W and if not for me there would have been none since Feb. So the only DBing I can do is remain dark until she wants to talk to me.
As long as you keep the communication going there is a good chance to save your M. Do what DR says. You may want to give him a little space and just be a friend for a while.
I suggest turn him down sometime when he wants to ML. Don't be readily available to him. Make him wonder what you are doing. Above all don't WA.
Be loving toward him just like you love a child (unconditionally)
I saw your request for help, and although I'm very reluctant to post what I've been thinking, I think someone needs to give you some nudges out of this funk you continually create and dwell in.
For as long as I can remember, you've had plenty of help from other Piecers: both from folks who have been able to successfully heal their marriages and from others who have done the right stuff but not been able to pull it off.
You are one of the few fortunate people who have been on this BB and had access to skills and knowledge and support while having your H at home. Yet you continually come up with excuses for your behaviors and backslides.
It's frustrating to watch! Your continual usage of the conjunction BUT is hard to navigate. You ask for help and correct those behaviors and attitudes for a little while, but then revert to your former behaviors.
Why? Why do you continually sabotage success?
It seems as though you ask people how to skydive and when they tell you to pack your parachute, you come up with reasons on why you don't want to take the time to do that. Well, for whatever reason, you've been able to jump and live. But the way I see it, every time you jump out of that plane you are pushing your luck by not packing that chute yourself. One day, you're going to die.
If you are demonstrating any or all of this frustrating pattern at home, I am afraid I would be as confused and angry as your H seems to be (from your posts). What is fun about dealing with a woman who continually wants to indulge in pity parties? A woman who has come out point blank to ask for help from numerous people and then does things her own way?
I really am sorry to post this to you. I don't deliberately attempt to hurt people. You asked for input, and I'm giving it to you.
My gut feeling tells me that you feel sucky because you know that this story is going to have a miserable ending if you don't change. I can promise you it will. And I'm not sure I'll be venturing over here to give you more input if he leaves you, Karen. You've been at this for a really long time.
My question to you: Why don't you feel you deserve to be happy?
(((((Karen))))) I care. But you need to care more.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
I think you need to focus on yourself for awhile, and not be so caught up in your sitch and your H! You can stick with this. You can do what needs to be done. 
Kind of goofy, but who cares?
Go out for a cup of coffee. Go for a walk. Find a distraction. Think about the what harm it will do to bring up those kinds of talks (that's what really worked for me--weighing which "need" was more important).