This used to be way easier - and a lot more fun!

[DonH]

For someone that makes part of his living writing, I seem to not be clear at times. I'll try to respond to some of the thoughts.

As for squirrels, that problem has cleared up nicely and I hugely thank everyone for their focus and attempts to help.

How can I celebrate my 50th again? I CAN'T - that's my point. I'm missing out on so many couples expierence and - milestones like weddings for the kids (let's hope they don't have seconds) my parents 50th anniversary, all of these are done and over. I don't get a re-do and that's my regret. My niece has an upcoming wedding. Will I be there by myself like I was for her graduation party three years ago?

Does my profession really have that bad of a connotation? It seems to - don't get involved with a musician? Why would I not be able to meet for drinks on a Tuesday night? Why would I not be able to do dinner on Saturday? I'm doing just that this coming Saturday with a friend I sort of casually dated several years ago. It didn't work out in that way but we are still friends and I still made plans. I'm open for drinks pretty much any Tuesday. So the beliefs are not valid but perception is reality. If you guys think it's the case, they may too. Then add in I'm 7 years recovered from opiate addiction - again not at all related to music, but yet another flag for some. But I'm so much more - a firefighter/paramedic, business owner, executive director AND I play sax in bands about 90 times a year - mostly within an hour of my house. I travel out of state about a dozen times a year.

Am I really trying too hard? I may. But if that were the case why did the woman last week think I was not interested? How can I try too hard and not be interested at the same time? I am trying much harder, no doubt. But I still DB or try to. I don't chase - at least try not to. I'm not always available. I am first to get off the phone, don't respond right away. The DB principles are still deep in me. I'll continue to watch it however. You all may be right and I am trying too hard.

Reading back in this thread really helped. Some of these things I didn't even remember. A few again I think we're out of context but others were not and I'm guilty. Eye opening.

Clearly this is all really bothering me and I need a reset. I remember Ginger saying how she felt pathetic. I totally get it and feel just as pathetic. THIS IS NOT ME! Or at least never used to be. I certainly don't want it to be. I just don't know how to fix it other than to stop trying again. I don't at all think that will get me any further either / as it didn't in years past but clearly this is not working either. God I need a hug. .

Thanks again for everyone's time. It's much appreciated.