Debi, Yes, it is a serious cycle. And yes, he does "expect" the hammer to stike.
Nevanna, I agree that feeling paranoid will just spill out onto him and how he feels. Yes, he constantly feels pressured.
Well, you guys have given me lots of support. However, I have to say that I messed up again. I *thought* that H was re-committing to our r, but he was just committing to continue trying and he still has basically one foot out the door. He told me not to build the new dog pen yet in case things don't work out. This caught me off guard-and it shouldn't have. We just had another discussion about his "committment" and he thought that that shouldn't have surprised me.
He feels like I don't listen to him, but that's not the case. I think I have serious memory issues (lack of). I don't know if it is symptom of depression, side affect of med., or lack of nutrition. I think I have low blood sugar, but I continue to basically thrive on sugar. I just got out a book that I have called "Food & Mood," and am insprired to change some of my dietary habits.
Ok, I know this man loves me, but I think this is my LAST LAST CHANCE. I joined the BB last September, and if anything, I think my sit. has worsened. But, it is b/c I do not DB. Sure, I do it for 7-9 days, but then I blow it and end up back at square one. It has NOT been 2 steps forward, one back, it's been one step forward, two back.
I know that thinking about it and talking about it all the time makes it worse for me. Esp. if I talk to non-DB'ers. (I knew this already, but did it anyway.) I get so confused talking from one person to the next. And, I get anxiety from reading other ppls' threads. I sometimes get more fearful, hopeless, discouraged rather than uplifted. I am NOT blaming anyone for this but myself. I could explain if someone really wants me to, but...it's lengthy.
So, I'm not sure what it is going to take for me to seriously change this time once and for all. I really really want to and I do not want to lose my hubby. I really love him, and I can understand him not wanting to be in this sit. for the rest of his life.
I guess I just don't believe that I can do it or don't think it's worth it. Otherwise, I would have done it already, right? I felt really motivated last July when I found "A Woman's Guide..." I should re-read it and start over. If I don't put the effort into this, it's going to be over...for good.
Please encourage me to keep my mouth shut when I have "feelings." That's the biggest prob. I open it up, and out come all these worms, and the prob. gets worse & worse. & I know it is biblical to tame the tongue, and that the tongue is the biggest weapon that we have in hurting someone else.
If I'm not around, it's because I am focussing on other things-me. Rather than my "prob." I have Tues. & Wed. off in addition to Memorio Day and have lots of projects to work on. I need to prioritize some stuff in my life and make room for walking the dogs more, studying the bible more, eating better, and just in general taking care of me.
and have lots of projects to work on. I need to prioritize some stuff in my life and make room for walking the dogs more, studying the bible more, eating better, and just in general taking care of me. 
