Working on a Trial Separation Agreement with MLC H

[ccgrrl]

Just stopping in with some thoughts that have occurred to me lately.
It's been just about two weeks that he's been out of the house and I am feeling okay for the most part, but our relationship is still the thing I obsess about every night before I go to bed and every morning when I wake up - I keep turning it over and over in my head. It's frustrating to still be stuck this way, but I also feel like I am learning a lot on my own.

As the dreaded Valentines Day approaches, I started thinking about the different aspects of marital love. Today I came to the realization that there are three parts to my marriage (and maybe all marriages, I don't know): the romantic love part, the parenting part, and the life partnership part (i.e. the part where you count on each other to be there through thick and thin, where you count on having someone to make decisions with, where you rely on each other financially, logistically, and psychologically as a team). All three parts feed into each other and when one requires more effort, the others suffer.

For my H. the romantic love part must have been the most important part. For me, it was the least important part because I always expected it to ebb and flow at different stages of our relationship. Romantic love doesn't ever remain consistently high in a long-term marriage; it just can't. So I was not surprised when it waned after the kids came along, the house, the jobs, etc. Romance requires a different set of circumstances than you usually have when you are an overworked parent. I think the romance part of our relationship went into hibernation several years ago, but I never worried that it would not return, even if not until the kids were grown.

For me, it was that last part - the part about being life partners that has been most important, and it is the part that is the most difficult to lose right now. That part, too, had been waning for a number of years as I took on more and more responsibility to give him the space to work on his music (I really did and do understand this, as we are both in the arts, so I do feel this was valid). Unfortunately, it meant my creative aspirations suffered, he was not all that motivated to contribute as much as he could have financially, and although he's been a great father and took on a lot of the child care at certain times of the year, deep down, I think he always felt bad about making less money than me. I think as the partnership got more and more lopsided, he felt worse about himself and I felt less and less romantic and less and less loved.

Right now, he's out there wanting a D. because he wants that all important romance again. And I have to admit, I think I am struggling against the D. because I want that all important life-partner part. (Both of us are in agreement about the other part- parenting - luckily)

Every single decision I've made in my entire adult life has been based on having this relationship as my solid foundation. I didn't pursue certain things because they would have disrupted the foundation. I missed opportunities and didn't fulfill my potential. I moved away from my family and from a better job market. I made do with less and less - so much so that when I recently went through some old papers I saw that our household income is the same now as it was when we were fresh out of college. And I did all of this willingly and happily. But it was contingent upon having this man be my rock, having this relationship be my rock.

I have no desire to have another romance and I don't think I could ever have a life partnership again with someone else, now that I know what happens when they change their mind 27 years in.

Just ruminating.... Thought I'd share this, even though I'm not sure about it all.