So Confused and Conflicted

[WshIKnw]

W stopped by today to get a piece of mail that I told her she had that had "urgent" kind of notices on it. We talked for about 20-25 minutes, I would guess. It was the W that I knew and loved. She was just nice acting and sweet, but not like "I want you back" sweet, I don't think. Just sweet. She had just came from church. She said she went to the one near here that we used to go to. I told her that I had thought about going by myself, but didn't. We made good small talk, and I think I continued to act the way that I needed to act, like I was content and moving on with or without her, even though I'd been upset before, and after, she was here. Small talk was very pleasant. I can't remember whether she asked anything about me, but she talked about what she had been doing. She initiated the departure, but I didn't try to hold her back and avoided acting disappointed. She again motioned for a hug today. I stood on a lower step so that I could give her a good hug. I gave her a nice one and rubbed her back some. I didn't try to kiss her head, nor did I yesterday. I let go as soon as she started to. I'm really supposed to probably initiate ending of contact, but it's so hard to be the first to end something that you wish you could spend the entire day doing. It turned out that the mail was very unimportant, and she didn't think it would be very important. So, it makes me wonder how much she was here to see me versus to get the mail.

She left and came back and called me. Said she noticed her right mirror was missing. We went walking down the street looking for it, and couldn't find it. She said earlier that she thought she had hit something. We had figured she just ran over a toy in the street or something. We didn't find the mirror. I looked to see if it was stuck under her car. Didn't see it. She wiped dirt and grass off of the back of my shirt when I stood up. I noticed she had a pack of cigarettes in the back of her car. Over the years that I have known her, she smokes from time to time when she is stressed. She also smokes when she is being social sometimes, but she wouldn't have a whole pack if that was the case -- she would bum one off of someone. So, that's just more evidence that she is torn up by all of this.

She left and called me again to tell me she had stopped at a neighbor's house to ask if they had seen her mirror, and they had, and gave it to her. I don't know why they would pick the mirror up rather than let the person come back and notice it on the ground, but anyway. There was no damage to the mail box and the only damage to her mirror appeared to be little brackets, that the dealership would probably have to replace for her. She said she just needed someone to pop it back on for her probably, and was quick to follow that with, "and I know some guys at work that would love to work on something like that". I figured that the "guys" were probably POM. She was very quick to want to get off the phone after that. I never tried to offer to fix it for her. But I think she was clearly scared that I would. That's fine. Improvements don't usually happen in leaps and bounds. It's usually very gradual, from what I have read here. The fact that she came, acted like her old self (other than not acting like she's mine), left on perfectly good terms, wanted another hug today -- I think that's improvement. I can't expect big improvements. I have to take what I can get and celebrate them. It hurts when she leaves, though, every time I see her.