GRRRR... I attempted to init. last night, but it didn't take off. He was really hot and tired from bike riding. Once again...tired. Seems like he is always tired for one reason or other. When is he not? When he goes out with his friends! I don't know if it's the mental anguish from our r...I know his job is taxing, but he only works 4 days a week! (about 35 hours.)
Do you really think I need to quit initiating all together? Seems like I feel worse if I feel like he is not into it, etc. I really hate this. I'm doubting that things will ever get better and whether or not he is the one for me. Do you think it will ever change? I know I am not being patient. I just get so anxious and angry all wrapped up in one.
I am going to a going away party after work for a little while. H may find something else to do if I want to stay there v. long. ?? Tomorrow we're going to a nice bar to see a really good band. We were talking about inviting other ppl, but some of my friends can't go and as far as I know, he has not contacted anyone about going.
Quote: I know I am not being patient. I just get so anxious and angry all wrapped up in one.
As painful as this is going to sound, my friend, you need to be patient. Go back to dbing basics, what are your baby goals, so that when you achieve baby steps, you can feel good, and have the energy to tackle the longer term bigger goals?
Quote: am going to a going away party after work for a little while. H may find something else to do if I want to stay there v. long. ??
OK, remember the discussion in Central Perk about crazymaking? Get tht rubberband, and start snapping. If you are going to have fun going out, do so. What H will or will not do should not interfere with your fun. Check out Betseys approach - she is pursuing mystery as a serious occupation
Hi Slowly, Thanks for stopping by! I ended up going to the bar w/co-workers for a little while and then went home. Called H, got home, we decided to order chickens and then would go out later to see a band at a local bar. He is still acting pretty distant. I tried to make convo. at the bar, eventually he talked some more too. Our waitress kept telling us to smile and took it upon herself to try to "entertain" us. She'd walk by and stick out her tongue and make faces, etc. Pretty lame. Went home, I touched h a few times in bed, like his hair, or belly, but he did not reciprocate so I left him alone. This morn. he was not snuggly at all either. He left for work and I asked if he would rather go out w/his friends tonight (nicely). He said "nope." Ok, so he's feeling distant but still wants to be with me. This is a good sign, no?
My goal is to get along this weekend. Tonight we are going out-out and I will look hot-hot. Yet, I must continue not to pressure and not to have expectations. ie. not care if we don't have sex. OK, so I'll care, but I must not act out on it. Tomorrow I may hang out with a couple girlfriends, so I may not spend much time with him. He said he is not playing cars. The weather has been really stormy (I saw a funnel cloud pass over work yesterday!), so don't know if biking is an option.
I'm not very motivated to do housework this morn. like I usually do on Sat. I've been shopping online for my anniversary outfit. I'm hoping if we can get along for the next 3 weeks, that he will be receptive to it! I've told him in the past that I'm "wild" and he's been waiting for more wild stuff, but with things being the way they are, I haven't felt comfy getting crazy or anything b/c I'm lucky if I can get any at all!
I hate this. I don't know why I do this. I can't stand this feeling of distance and not getting any PT or WOA. I have so many doubts, but I am trying to reassure myself that he is still here and that he DOES want the same things that I do.
Hi Karen - Great dbing - giving him space, acting as if. But so true that you can only take it so far. I think you are doing as well as can be expected under the circumstances.
Quote: He left for work and I asked if he would rather go out w/his friends tonight (nicely). He said "nope." Ok, so he's feeling distant but still wants to be with me. This is a good sign, no?
Good that he seems to want to spend time with you, but you may need to re-think about those pregnant pauses when you are out together.
Quote: I'm not very motivated to do housework this morn. like I usually do on Sat.
Enjoy the break! I know just how it feels to be tied to a schedule - hope you found something HOT for the anniversary.
And the reason your are doing this is because you believe the short term effort will give you long term, as in rest of life, with the man you love. Yes? Slowly
Well, Sat. turned out to be a pretty good night. We went to see another band and ate there and went home. H had some feelings about an interaction that we had and wanted to talk, but he said he didn't want it to last all night. I said, "Ok, how long would you like it to last?" He said 10 minutes. So, he asked for clarification, I clarified, he expressed feelings, I validated-all in less than 10 min! Then we had great . Woo-hoo
Sunday we spent most of the day apart, Monday we talked. He initiated it-I had made a comment a week or so about how/why I feel like I/we are stuck. I asked him for some clarification, and the talk was mostly beneficial. He admitted that he could be doing more for our R by putting more effort into it. I acknowledged his feelings and talked about changing. (yes, still) We both said that we are committed to the M. (but he needs to feel some things change in short order). I got a little defensive and tried to point out some baby steps that i thought i had made, but to him the end result is the same: Upset once every 7-10 days.
We ended up having more great . Tuesday we went bike riding with his friend and i thought he was acting somewhat distant. Maybe just not talkative? Not sure.
When I said good-bye this morn, he was pretty groggy so I asked him to call me today. It's almost 6 and he hasn't yet. I wanted to talk to him about a couple things-no, not start a fight, but just fill him in on a couple details about the week, etc.
I am feeling somewhat angry/disappointed, and not sure what to do with it right now. I am going to a dinner party right after work and am wondering if I should call him or what. I didn't have the chance to tell him that i wasn't coming home first. Guess he'll figure it out, huh?
Well hey there! Gosh you really astound me sometimes!!! LOL You get so down on yourself and have so much doubt about your DBing skills, then you totally WOW us by.....
Quote: H had some feelings about an interaction that we had and wanted to talk, but he said he didn't want it to last all night. I said, "Ok, how long would you like it to last?" He said 10 minutes. So, he asked for clarification, I clarified, he expressed feelings, I validated-all in less than 10 min!
OMG!!! You blew me away with that! Teach me!!! LOL. When we have a talk about things, we both let our emotions rule and it gets ugly!!! So I am mucho impressed. Go girl!!! Great job.
I think you need to stop taking his silence as being upset or distant. I say that because just from the way you describe him, he sounds like a normally quiet, laid back guy. (Am I right?) So you are challenging his right to be himself by freaking out over that. It seems like he is able to tell ya when something is off kilter with the R. I know I am a hyper, loud person normally but when I have a quiet mood (fortunately few! ) and ppl start to bug me about "what's wrong???" I get agitated with them. No matter how many times I try to explain that I am fine, just want to be quiet, they keep bugging me and I finally get upset with them! So I am wondering if maybe I know how your H feels about that.
Whack me if I am being out of line. You just DB so well and then there goes the "I feel blah...." stuff, almost like you want to discredit evrything you do right in your R. Nasty habit, Karen, ditch it! (So guess what mood I'm in...bossy!) LOL. I think I am being rough on you because I have seen you DB like a pro, and I know you can do it, very well. So I don't cut ya any slack, huh? (((Karen))).
Anyway, I think you did very well and if you will concentrate on that instead of the negative stuff, I think you will find out the potential you and your M have. Anyway, I just thought I'd stop in...hope you don't show me the door! LOL. Take care and God bless!
Debi, Hi! Don't be afraid of me giving you the boot! I really appreciate it! Please, feel free to kick me in the arse!
Ok, Ok, so I CAN DB. I just choose not to sometimes.
I think in general, you are right about his quietness. However, in the past couple weeks, he has def. been distant. (He admitted it before.) Please read the following update:
H called me on the way to the din. He did v. little all day and said that he didn't think he was going to go anywhere. I go to my din., get home, greet him happily, hug him for a few min. He's not very responsive, so I go off and clean up and do my nails and stuff, go to bed early. He comes to bed and is overheated, turns the fan on-I was under the comforter. I ask him to snuggle when he cools off. So, he does. He asks me about din., I ask about his eve.
This morn, he says goodbye. I ask if he needs time away from me (nicely) (obviously he's not acting like he WANTS to be around me). He says he doesn't know what he needs and that he can't talk right now b/c he's got to go to work. So, WTF? I thought Monday went well, we aired a bunch of stuff and re-committed to BOTH making more effort, etc. So, what is his prob. NOW??? I am somewhat paranoid about what is going on in his head right now.
I am afraid that he is thinking that things are never going to change. But I also told him the other day that if he continues to be distant, etc., that no, things will not change. 2 way street kinda thing...
I'm trying not to worry about it and hope that he will be open about his feelings and that he isn't hopeless. I will remember to listen, validate, not get defensive, and not cause a bigger fight.
Hey, after a good period of time together, do you have a backslide? Your H seems to be preparing for one! Is it just me? Anybody else sensing that??? Don't ask if he needs time away from you. It comes across as needy. If he is pulling away, then do something for you. Don't let him get to you. (This is advice I need to take, as well!!!) I see you do this nonchalant, independant thing and then you flip out, cling and smother. Is he expecting the flip out? I could be really wrong, but I do see a pattern with you guys. After a really good interaction, then there is usually a backslide. Can you avoid that part of it and break the cycle? Easier said than done, eh?
Quote: I thought Monday went well, we aired a bunch of stuff and re-committed to BOTH making more effort, etc. So, what is his prob. NOW???
That is what makes me think he is waiting for the hammer to fall. Quit obsessing over him and his thoughts and concentrate on how not to fall into that pattern. Even you admitted you can DB!!! I am gonna hold you to that now! LOL.
So, good opportunity this weekend to relax and let the need for chaos pass! WOW him with your great DBing skills and make him wonder what alien they switched you with! Hee hee! Seriously, do relax and quit stressing over him. Try to make it a great weekend and let him un-stress (is that a word?) too. I hope your weekend is fantastic! Take care now. God bless. Debi
Quote: I ask him to snuggle when he cools off. So, he does.
He must not be totally withdrawn, he was willing to meet your needs when asked.
Quote: He says he doesn't know what he needs and that he can't talk right now b/c he's got to go to work.
My H says similar stuff--when I ask him what will help, he'll say "I don't know." Don't let it bug you too much. Just try different things to see what works... Try giving him space. Or maybe leaving him a simple ILY note, and nothing more. Then just monitor, and learn what things help him feel more relaxed. There's no better way to figure it out other than to try stuff. Sooner or later, you'll learn what approaches work better.
Quote: I am somewhat paranoid about what is going on in his head right now.
That's probably part of the problem. If you're feeling paranoid, you're probably doing something, even if you don't realize it, to put pressure on him. He already told you he was committed!
Quote: But I also told him the other day that if he continues to be distant, etc., that no, things will not change.
Maybe he's still distant because you told him this...?
When your H withdraws, try going out and doing your own thing. I can just see the low PMA, and that doesn't help. Smile.
Debi, Yes, it is a serious cycle. And yes, he does "expect" the hammer to stike.
Nevanna, I agree that feeling paranoid will just spill out onto him and how he feels. Yes, he constantly feels pressured.
Well, you guys have given me lots of support. However, I have to say that I messed up again. I *thought* that H was re-committing to our r, but he was just committing to continue trying and he still has basically one foot out the door. He told me not to build the new dog pen yet in case things don't work out. This caught me off guard-and it shouldn't have. We just had another discussion about his "committment" and he thought that that shouldn't have surprised me.
He feels like I don't listen to him, but that's not the case. I think I have serious memory issues (lack of). I don't know if it is symptom of depression, side affect of med., or lack of nutrition. I think I have low blood sugar, but I continue to basically thrive on sugar. I just got out a book that I have called "Food & Mood," and am insprired to change some of my dietary habits.
Ok, I know this man loves me, but I think this is my LAST LAST CHANCE. I joined the BB last September, and if anything, I think my sit. has worsened. But, it is b/c I do not DB. Sure, I do it for 7-9 days, but then I blow it and end up back at square one. It has NOT been 2 steps forward, one back, it's been one step forward, two back.
I know that thinking about it and talking about it all the time makes it worse for me. Esp. if I talk to non-DB'ers. (I knew this already, but did it anyway.) I get so confused talking from one person to the next. And, I get anxiety from reading other ppls' threads. I sometimes get more fearful, hopeless, discouraged rather than uplifted. I am NOT blaming anyone for this but myself. I could explain if someone really wants me to, but...it's lengthy.
So, I'm not sure what it is going to take for me to seriously change this time once and for all. I really really want to and I do not want to lose my hubby. I really love him, and I can understand him not wanting to be in this sit. for the rest of his life.
I guess I just don't believe that I can do it or don't think it's worth it. Otherwise, I would have done it already, right? I felt really motivated last July when I found "A Woman's Guide..." I should re-read it and start over. If I don't put the effort into this, it's going to be over...for good.
Please encourage me to keep my mouth shut when I have "feelings." That's the biggest prob. I open it up, and out come all these worms, and the prob. gets worse & worse. & I know it is biblical to tame the tongue, and that the tongue is the biggest weapon that we have in hurting someone else.
If I'm not around, it's because I am focussing on other things-me. Rather than my "prob." I have Tues. & Wed. off in addition to Memorio Day and have lots of projects to work on. I need to prioritize some stuff in my life and make room for walking the dogs more, studying the bible more, eating better, and just in general taking care of me.
last night, but it didn't take off. 
He was really hot and tired from bike riding. Once again...tired. Seems like he is always tired for one reason or other. When is he not? When he goes out with his friends! I don't know if it's the mental anguish from our r...I know his job is taxing, but he only works 4 days a week! (about 35 hours.) 
) and ppl start to bug me about "what's wrong???" I get agitated with them. No matter how many times I try to explain that I am fine, just want to be quiet, they keep bugging me and I finally get upset with them! So I am wondering if maybe I know how your H feels about that. 
and have lots of projects to work on. I need to prioritize some stuff in my life and make room for walking the dogs more, studying the bible more, eating better, and just in general taking care of me.