So Confused and Conflicted

[WshIKnw]

Has your W been in any previous long-term relationship, or are you the first one?

She had a few boyfriends, one that lasted like 2 or 3 years, I think, before me. I got with her right before she turned 21.

Did your W have a fairly normal/healthy childhood?

As far as I know. She wasn't abused, that she can remember. Her father was apparently very aloof, and her parents divorced when she was like 9 or something. She still barely talks to him and sees him. Her parents have a cat and dog relationship now. Her brother has always had emotional/development problems and has been very taxing on the family.

My dad and step mom are saying to sweep her off her feet with romance.

If your W has some other guy in her head, then the advice to sweep her off her feet with romance will not work at all. In fact, it will make matters worse. You see, whenever a married woman opens her heart to some other man, she shuts downs her heart to her husband. It's not like it might have been when you were dating before marriage. Not if she has brought a third party into the MR (either emotionally, physically, or just her imagination). So, I think you can mark that particular advice off the list.

I don't, unfortunately, yet know whether there is another man. I just have very strong suspicions. She denies that I'm competing with anyone else for her affection, except with our/her dog, she says. I do think that at the very least, the other man could be imaginative. She has said that she began looking around and seeing what other couples have, seeing how other men treated her, and began to wonder whether she could have that. And there is one married guy in particular that she has spoken very fondly of. He has kids, as well. Apparently his wife is terrible, according to my wife and what she says her coworkers say. I have other reasons to believe my wife is into this guy.

but do think it's possible she could have become physical, at least by 'accident'

Would you explain what you mean by accident?

By 'accident', I mean having a sexual encounter with someone without setting out to, like doing it in the moment -- not premeditated.

My advice is to forget about going dark. You need to read Divorce Remedy, first of all. The way I understand "going dark" is the absolutely last option, where you basically fall off the planet....for all your W knows. There are too many other things to do, other than going dark. But this is what happens when someone jumps into things before they understand what they are really doing.

I get detaching and going dark confused. I need to review the difference. I am planning to now do a light version of going dark, which might just be a strong detachment. I won't ignore her if she contacts me (I may a little, just to play hard to get), but I won't initiate contact or pursue her. And I won't be quick to come to her needs if I were to be so fortunate as to have her react by pursuing me. Because I don't want to fall into a distance/pursuit trap. I may give in to her the first time, though, just to test the waters to see whether she will "slam dunk" me or whatever and distance herself again.

I have been worried that because she considered me a neglectful husband, that detaching would just be more of the same, but because I initially spent weeks pursuing the hell out of her, after the bomb drop, with little positive result, and because my pursuits sometimes result in argument fights that end in a mushroom cloud of rage out of her, I figure I am just better off giving her tons of space and not letting on that I still want her. It's very hard for me to not defend myself when she attacks. And I have found that the distance between us seems to multiply after fights, probably because her anger fuels her wall of hate. Where will she get fuel for her hate, if I'm not giving it to her? And when her hate subsides, how will she handle the feelings that remain? Will they be feelings that benefit me? The last time I saw her, I think I was pretty much exactly the way I needed to be -- cool, calm, collected, kind, and compassionate. It ended with a fantastic hug and glimpse of the sweet wife trapped inside the demon. I will leave her with that last taste in her mouth for a while.