Thank you job for your lovely post and advice, I do feel remaining NC is the best thing for me

My phone rang a few nights ago, a number I did not know, my immediate thought went to "I wonder if it is him and he has changed his number", my heart started thumping in my chest and for that moment I froze, I did not want to pick up in case it was him, for really he has nothing to say that I want to hear, which would only mean a conversation that I would need to think of things to say in return to what he wanted to say. So I did not answer, let it go to voice mail. In the end it was a g/friend who was using her h's phone lol. But it did show me how much I actually dont want to speak to h, I am content as things are.

Today was another momentous occasion in the dropping the rope (well I feel it is). S20 rang to ask me if his friend could borrow my old phone. I said yes and then remembered that it still contains all the text messages that h sent to me before he came back to me last year, all the lovely things he said, the promises he made, the details about his r with ow, details of his therapy etc, all of it on the phone. I could have phoned s20 back and said I have changed my mind, wanting to keep the texts safe - but what for, why do I want to keep them ......so with one very deep breath I pressed the factory reset button and erased everything on the phone, the texts, the photos, the emails. Feeling ok about it, I know that keeping them was temptation for me, that one day I would hurt myself by looking back on them. The texts were lies, no truth to the sentiment held within them, so no need to keep them.

On another note, and back to being about me ...I have spent my free weekends going on road trips, sometimes a few hours away and sometimes just up the coast, but generally in the direction of a beach. I have really enjoyed discovering new places and the scenery along the way, so a couple of weeks ago I decided to buy a tent so I can go away for whole weekends cheaply - as many places here have freedom camping sites by a beach or river that are free.

After looking at many tents I have gone for a concept tent that has only been in production for a few years - I found it on a website (don't think I am allowed to name websites) that helps turn peoples concepts into reality by the public pledging to buy the item - in my case a tent - and then when they have enough pledges they go in to production. My tent is the second generation of a concept tent and last week I was told they now have enough pledges to go into production with the new improved model so I will get mine at the end of April (which will be autumn in NZ, but hey, I have a tent no one else will have here smile ) So I am excited, I am part of making a concept become reality, how cool is that. I have already stated my list of places to go. I am sure I will be extremely nervous pitching my tent and being on my own somewhere new, but its quite exciting too. (Oh and before you all start screaming at your screen "its a scam" I have friends in the UK who have the 1st Gen one, so it does exist !!)

I have had a big shift in the past couple of weeks, no longer is it about him and what he has done, its become about me and the situation I am in. I do have my pity party for one moments where I am the victim and don't have the things in my life that I should do at 46, but time has made understand that I am equally to blame for the financial mess I am in, I could have been stronger and said no to his spending, so I need to suck it up, accept what is done is done and move on making the best of what I have got. I am still living in s20 spare room, I am looking for a suitable place for me, but for now I am allowing things to unfold and see what happens next, something will make my mind up for me I am sure. This is the problem with so much freedom, it comes with so many options!

xoxo