seeing ex-wife in 3 days. need advice

[james17]

aizen, Jeep, Seeker, TxHubby, sandi2, thanks so much for the kind words and advice. I took the past week to really think about what each of you said, and did a lot of internal work with my therapist to work this stuff out. my mind keeps changing about things on a daily basis, so i’m trying to write to work out my stuff.

sandi2, i'm very grateful for your long thoughtful post. I had a lot of thoughts and questions about what you said, especially about respect.

1. her waywardness. I can see now that emotionally she is WW. technically, i would not define what she is doing as cheating though. I was WW first, and we signed the divorce papers in december. she started seeing the OM jan 1st. legally the divorce will be auto-finalized soon, but for all intents and purposes, it seems like we are divorced. emotionally, however, right up until jan 1st, she said she still wanted to try to date me and work things out.

2. being friends eventually. i have not been calling or texting her at all. however, she calls or text me every few days to check up on me. the weird thing about our relationship is a year ago when I told her i didn't want to be with her anymore, and was mean to her, she moved to her parents house for several months. she told me she stopped seeing me as a husband, but still chose to have me in her life as a friend. we talked every single day still. i was really touched. I think eventually i would like to be her friend and be there for her as she was for me during my fog and WW. but for the time being i can’t handle it. it’s not good for me. also, it’s a different situation because she is with this OM. i wonder, if i can really detach, and not want to be with her, would contact and friendship still make her lose respect for me? even if i get my own life together? would being close friends just always make her not respect me while she has a bf? do i need to tell her i don’t accept her leaving me for another man? it feels kind of wrong seeing as how when i told her i didn’t want to be with her, she still wanted to be my friend. also we are pretty much broken up now. about a week ago, my friend convinced me to tell her we should not speak for a full year so that we could both grow. i told her that, and she said she’d respect it if that’s what i needed, but she thought that we were closer than that and able to be friends. i told her i’d think about it.

3. are we even right for each other? after talking with my therapist and my close friends, they say that due to our issues, we just aren’t right for each other. we had a co-dependent relationship that was not based on a mature love. i have a chance to work on my issues, love myself, and get it together. she has a chance, but her current relationship with her bf is also based on attachment, and i think would slow her personal growth. these types of unhealthy relationships may last a long time, though. nothing i can do about it.

4. building a bridge for the future and what to do now. i hope that we can heal and grow, and perhaps we can be together again one day. i can’t be friends with her now, contact with her is like a drug. i’m working a lot on myself. been going to meditation classes, a lot of job interviews, hanging out with friends, and continued therapy to work on childhood trauma. i may meet someone else in the future who is better for me. but i still hope the person i meet is a mature version of my STBXW.