Last week I read a book called "Addicted to Unhappiness". I posted some of the thoughts from it on my thread. The book's basic premise was that we revert to behaviors that bring on negative situations because we equate those negative feelings with actual comfort and love -- because that's what we got from our parents or caregivers.
I don't know...the premise seems farfetched in some ways -- seems easier or more rational to believe that I act in certain ways in order to drive h away, make him leave first, etc. BUT on the other hand, I feel SO predictable (things are going really well, I drop some crisis-bomb that makes him retreat -- just like Mom used to do) that maybe there's some truth to it?
and, in some ways, it feels more comforting to think that I'm not trying to push h away...that I'm really seeking comfortable and familiar feelings...
As for what works...it's already been pointed out that that's likely specific to you...for me, meditation, exercise, reading, listening to audiotapes, etc. seems to work most of the time. I'm a week passed what felt like a pretty cruddy mindset and I'm not sure what jolted me out of it -- partly I think I DECIDED last week to view things more positively. Also, I was doing this acupressure technique (called EFT) that's supposed to help -- WHO KNOWS if it did but I'm finding that THIS WEEK I'm feeling much better about stuff.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Hi all, Sage, that sounds like a book for me. I'll have to read up on your thread.
Had a good night w/H last night. Climbing got cancelled, so I called and asked what he was doing. He didnt' sound v. good on the phone-busy with yardwork and cars, but when I got home, he seemed happier. We went to yummy dinner and watched "the Family Man." Went to bed, I asked him to spoon me. He got an H.O., but did not do anything, so i went to sleep. (At least there is some desire!)
I'm really trying to curb my appetite for sex, but I want it, and it is NOT just b/c I want attn, but because I am physically aroused and I LOVE being with him. It saddens me to think that I am just using him, and I feel somewhat angry that he would think that. Sometimes I wish I had never disclosed so many details about my past b/c now it is haunting me.
So...I'll continue to try to be patient. But, how do I get over the attitude. I know that I need to consider his feelings and treat him differently. I guess I am taking it that he doesn't want me/desire me, when that is not really the case...RIGHT??? I am understanding more that the R is more important , but is just really important to me too, and...I don't know...I'm so confused.
So, what if he asks me why I'm not initiating? What do I say? I don't want to come off with an attitude which I know I do sometimes, so how do I say something nicely?
"Well, love, I don't want you to think that I just want you for your winky." ??? " I am focusing on the R and am taking my mind off ML." ???
Cheezy tunnels: Joking around with h, being my goofy SELF, making him laff, starting playfulness. ie pretending like I am not sharing the bed so he lays on top of me and "steam-rolls" me. I saw **SPARKLES** in his eyes. He's so beautiful. God, I love him!
Sage, I read what you wrote about "Addicted to Unhappiness." I'm not so sure that it IS far-fetched. A lot of it rings true. It ties in with crazy-making. It's very true that feeling happy is UNcomfortable for me and that feeling insecure/depressed/anxious/lonely/not good enough is more "natural."
And, I do kind of worry about feeling differently than my family. I feel like I would betraying them. Esp. my mother. I feel guilty for feeling good about myself around her. I know she envies me in many ways and at times I really do think that she does NOT want me to feel good about myself. (But she doesnt' come out and say that.)
Last night was nice. We biked with a few ppl and had din. I mentally prepared myself that h sometimes teases me more around other ppl and he made a couple comments that i just laughed at reminding myself that he IS kidding. We were both exhausted when we got home and he was on top of the covers b/c he was hot, so I didn't ask to snuggle and he didn't...but, I was OK with it!!! I gave him a kiss and went to sleep.
We dont' have plans per se for the weekend, but we are not going out separately. I would like to have a relaxing eve. tonight and maybe take him on a surprise date tomorrow.
I am feeling more appreciation for him realizing that he really wants to be with ME. ME, ME, ME!!! & it doesn't matter what I do, what I wear, what I say (obviously unless I am starting fights), or what I don't say, but he just wants to be with me. What is wrong with him???
I have not been feeling too good about myself lately. I just feel frumpy and like I am starting to eat too much and not good food. I want to lift weights sometimes...I am doing more things that I enjoy that I DO feel good about, but still...
Hi! I was thinking along the lines of taking more time to iron stuff for work, wearing nicer clothes in general, getting rid of clothes I don't want/need/feel good in.
As far as eating...I don't need to lose weight, but I do think I have low blood sugar and would like to lose fat. So, first order of biz according to "Potatoes Not Prozac," is to eat breakfast with protein. Second is to journal what I eat & how I feel. (I've said I was going to do this forever, but haven't) B/c I know some fights have been sugar-induced...call me crazy...
H & I are doing pretty well. He was kind of tired and crabby yesterday. I maintained a most pleasant attitude, cooked dinner, fed him ice cream.
He told me yesterday that he is going to Indy in June for 1-3 days w/a friend or 2. I knew he was going to go for at least one day, but thinking of 3 makes me a little sad. 1. B/c I'll miss him 2. B/c I am afraid he will have fun w/o me. (duh) 3. B/c he said we couldn't spend money on a room/cabin or whatever for our anniv. b/c we are going to Vegas in the fall.
However, we will also camp prob. at least two times over the summer.
Vegas is a good trade-off no? So, again, I maintained my pleasant attitude and just said, "ok." and DID NOT make a big deal about it for any of the aforementioned reasons!!!
Quote: So, again, I maintained my pleasant attitude and just said, "ok." and DID NOT make a big deal about it for any of the aforementioned reasons!!!
Well done you!! I know just how difficult this must have been, the energy and focused effort it takes to be on your best dbing toes. Congratulations. Slowly
Hi Karen - thought I would jump on over to your thread and say hello. Thank you for posint on mine - after I read through most of your thread, I have to think we share the same obsessive brain! The thoughts you continually have about your H and different situations you are in, plus the expectations you have, ring so true for me.
I picked up a book yesterday called "Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved By You" - the title caught my eye because this is what crosses my mind all the time in different interactions with my H. So far, the book has been extremely insightful - especially about the subtle controlling aspects of relationships that you don't even know you are doing. For instance, in the morning I always ask my H how he slept that night (remember we sleep apart) - the reason I ask him that question is because I am fearful he didn't sleep well, because he is considering leaving again, and so on and so on. I don't really ask him that question because I care about him (although I do really care), but because I'm trying to mine for info. I do this a lot, and the book really focuses on that, that's why my expectations crash and burn so often, because H knows I'm asking those questions for insincere reasons too.
Anyway, I enjoy reading your threads - they give me much insight into my own sitch. May I ask you how long you have been married?
Hi Maggie, Mom, and Slowly, H and I got into a big discussion/fight last Wed. He brought to my attn. that i should have fixed the dog pen...two years ago...(they are "my" dogs as I have had them since before we were married.)
It turned into a big scoring contest-I do this, well I do that, well, I do this more, I do that more...and on and on...I ended up getting a little pissy at the end, and he left saying that he needed some space. OK. So, later I apologize for bringing in everything including the kitchen sink and that I got defensive and was blaming and should have just taken responsibility and let it go at that.
So, we have both been feeling pretty distant since. I was feeling pretty resentful. Last night went better. We joked and goofed around a lot. I cooked both Tues & Wed.
I have not been initiating. Last week I was giving him a massage and it let to though that was not my intention. Ok, well, maybe just a little...Sunday I brought it up and he willingly participated. And, I haven't since, and it hasn't happened since. I asked if he was feeling distant and he said, "kinda I guess," which I interpretted as yes and let it go. I know he needs to feel connected to do the deed, and I realize that it helps me too b/c if we are not connected, sometimes I feel worse after-wishing he'd say ILY or compliment me or that it would just be more emotional.
It's really killing me not to though, and not to BI about it...but...Patience & discipline, right?
thanks for stopping by. I've been hangin out on the KLA threads lately.
Hi Karen - Sounds like a couple of 180s in place - apologising for the scoring contest, and not initiating. Give them a week, before you decide whether these 180s are working - men do seem to need more time
What have you adopted from the KLA forum? I just got the CDs but have not had a chance to even open them, been a bit hectic this week. Slowly.
, but 
is just really important to me too, and...I don't know...I'm so confused. 
How about some goals, Karen? Just teensy, weensy baby ones? Hugs from Slowly 
